Welcome to My Story of Victory

Shortly after my most recent D-Day, I felt that the title of this blog and some of the emotions that went into it no longer represented me well. I decided to create a new blog with e a new name. For a variety of reasons, it has taken me longer to do this than I planned, but I am pleased now that my new blog is ready to be shared. I will not delete my "Victory Will Wait" blog, but I don't plan to update it either, so you may want to add my new blog address to your reader.

My new blog, "My Story of Victory," can be found at: http://mystoryofvictory.blogspot.com/ My first post provides more explanation about why I created a new blog. I thank those who have read Victory Will Wait and hope you continue to read what I write on My Story of Victory. I value your comments and support greatly.

Where I'm at

So about my last post. I really do like the responsible for vs. responsive to list I shared. Part of the reason I wanted to post about it was to keep that list where I can easily find it again. But I felt really uncomfortable writing the post and that discomfort has stayed with me as I've reread it since posting it. (Note that this discomfort did not extend to reading the comments left in response to it---did you catch that? lol. Loved what all of you shared!)

I finally figured out why I'm uncomfortable about what I posted. Sharing it in my current context could imply that I'm at a point in my healing where I'm much more engaged with H than I am. I'm doing a pretty decent job not acting responsible for H, but acting responsive to him is pretty much a non-issue for me right now because at this point, we are intentionally functioning as coparents, not a couple. H says he wants to start doing couples therapy (we both are doing individual therapy) and have conversations about our issues, but I feel very strongly for myself and from guidance from the Lord that it is not time yet. In the few instances we have talked about a few issues in our marriage (in which I've been almost completely unemotional and respectful toward him) or in which I've expressed even hints of negative emotion (I've not yet cried in front of or yelled at him; he can't even handle me taking a deep sigh with an upset facial expression) he becomes immediately defensive. He doesn't get angry or mean, but he gets defensive--he starts protecting his image. And when that happens, I'm done. In terms of his sexual addiction, his position and my position in our marriage is so clear to me that I simply will not waste breath talking to him if I feel I have to defend myself to him. When he's ready to stop trying to maintain his image and start connecting with me, then I'll start opening up to and working with him. But not until then.

Is this denial? Is this enabling him? I don't think so. There are still many boundaries and consequences I've set and am enforcing for his behavior. We sleep in different rooms, we do not touch (about once a week I will hold his hand briefly, but only I can initiate touch), he has to go to his therapy and SAA meetings, etc. We both know what the problems in our relationship are. We both have at least some idea of what needs to happen to fix them. But first, we have to fix ourselves. My therapist told me that some people refer to 12-step programs as "selfish" because they require individuals to focus so much on themselves at first. But for someone who's caught in an addiction, it is not reasonable to expect them to do much more than just avoid addictive behavior at first. For us and our marriage, this makes sense.

So we're officially in limbo. I'm trying to avoid thinking about whether or not my marriage will last or end in divorce---that's not helpful at all. I'm just putting my marriage up on a shelf for a while so I can take good care of myself to be a good mom to my children and get in a place where I'm ready to work through my marital issues if/when it's time. I say if because at any point, I realize H could decide to stop pursuing recovery, and that would almost certainly mean divorce. Immediately.

Something that I've been telling myself to help me deal with this uncertainty is:

If H and I do divorce, I will be grateful for the efforts I made to continue to treat him with respect and be a cooperative coparent with him and seek my own healing and recovery and support him in his because then it will be easier for me to fend off feelings of personal guilt for my marriage not working out.

If H and I do stay together, I will be grateful for what I've done to ensure the current and future well-being of me and my girls (such as finishing my current degree so I'm more marketable, having a private bank account with emergency money in it, etc.) because these actions will help me feel safe enough to consider risking any further investment in my marriage.

So that, my friends, is where I'm at.

How do you feel about responsibility?

I was given a copy of these phrases in a college class, but with no source. I tried looking it up on Google, and there are a number of slightly different versions, but I couldn't find original sources for those either. So I don't know who originally wrote this, but I think these are helpful things to keep in mind as the spouse of an addict:

When I feel responsible for others I fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings and generally don’t listen.
When I am responsive to others I listen, show empathy, encourage, confront, share, listen and am sensitive.

When being responsible I feel tired, anxious, fearful, and liable.
When being responsive I feel relaxed, free, and self-aware.

When being responsible I care about circumstances, solutions, answers, performance, and being right.
When being responsive I care about feelings, relating one to one, and the other person making it on her own.

When being responsible I expect the other person to live up to my expectations.
When being responsive I expect the other person to be responsible for him or herself. I can trust and let go.

When being responsible I am a manipulator
When being responsive I am a helpful guide.

Based on your experience as a WOPA, do you agree with these statements? If not, please share why, I'd be interested in hearing your experience. Anyone have any go-to phrases or personal examples to share of how to be responsive versus responsible? How do you channel your inner responsiveness at times it feels more natural to act responsible? What fruits of responsiveness have you seen for yourself?

Peace that surpasseth understanding

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, 

shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  

Philippians 4: 7

I've been dealing with a sticky, emotional situation related to H's addiction for the past few days and have had to face some hard and complicated emotions. Not fun. Seriously, the WOPA lifestyle leaves much to be desired.

But.

This situation and my emotions have brought me to my knees in fervent prayer. And as I've prayed, I've been blessed with guidance. Emotions and thought clarifying the direction of my behavior in one area of my life, and a clear prompting that signifies the need to start new behaviors in another area of my life (started taking some baby steps toward that already tonight).

And.

Here's the best part: the Lord has blessed me with peace. Right now, and for the past few hours since I said some prayers, I've been feeling peace about my decisions. Given what some other people think about the situation and the overall context of what I'm dealing with in my life, it doesn't make sense to feel peace right now. And there are probably some good reasons why I will not stay in this peaceful state indefinitely (click here for my thoughts on that). But I can't deny the peace I have been feeling. And I certainly am enjoying it, for however long it lasts. This is not the first time I have experienced peace that surpasseth understanding in my life, and I'm hopeful (and full of faith) that it will not be the last.

What I'm working for

By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Let us then labor for an inward stillness,

An inward stillness and an inward healing,

That perfect silence where lips and heart 

Are still, and we no longer entertain

Our own imperfect thought and vain opinions,

But God alone speaks in us, and we wait

In singleness of heart, that we may know 

His will, and in the silence of our spirits,

We may do his will and do that only!

I'm thankful for God's help in my labor to be still today. I'm still squirming a bit, but at least I'm no longer chasing my own tail.

What I know

There is so much I do not know. I've become more aware of and comfortable with the fact that every moment that exists beyond the present is a mystery to me. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what choices other people will make. I don't know what conditions will be thrust upon me. But based on what I have experienced, there are some things I know. I say I know them because I have had experiences with them that transcend what I comprehend to be the capacity of mortal experience. And because making choices consistent with this knowledge brings increasing peace and goodness in my life.

I know that at many times in my life God has protected me from the emotional consequences of negative events. Most recently, for the first two weeks after D-day, I was in an almost constant state of calm. Despite the devastating news I had received about the state of my marriage, I was able to engage almost continuously on a rational level and focus on making decisions about how to proceed, rather than get lost in processing emotion.

I know that at many times in my life God has allowed me to feel quite deeply the natural emotional consequences of negative events. I can see at least two purposes for God allowing this. 

1) I have learned important things from my emotions. Feeling hurt emotionally by something someone says or does can help me pay attention to the quality of the relationships I am in and think critically about how safe they are and if (or to what extent) I should trust someone. Recurring feelings of hurt can remind me to continue to enforce boundaries I have set for my protection when it may be tempting to remove them (perhaps prematurely). I have decided that rather than be a victim of my emotions, I want to be a student of them. If I'm going to feel pain, I don't want it to be in vain.

2) Feeling emotional pain gives me experience that helps me be more sensitive and compassionate and learn how to better serve others. I still have a long way to go in learning how to succor others in the best way possible, but I have learned some powerful lessons from going through my own pain---particularly regarding some beautiful experiences I  have had in receiving comfort and support from others when I have suffered. Something I love about the word compassion is that its roots mean "suffer with." Because of what I have suffered, I am capable of more effectively suffering with others (in a way that can relieve their suffering).

I know that I "see through a glass darkly" (1 Cor 13:12). I also recently learned that the word "glass" in this scripture is better read as "mirror." And I recently have made the connection that this scripture occurs in a chapter focused entirely on charity. And I remember the words: "The strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors," and "You don't have to be strong to have a clean mirror; it is the act of cleaning your mirror that will make you strong." (See this post for sources/explanations.)  

I know that a natural consequence of becoming closer to the Lord and being blessed by and with his love gives me a cleaner mirror to look in. To me, having a cleaner mirror means seeing simultaneously both my divine nature and potential and my weaknesses and flaws (a la Ether 12: 27). In this context, I have been pondering these verses (Alma 38: 13-14): "Do not pray as the Zoramites do, for ye have seen that they pray to be heard of men, and to be praised for their wisdom. Do not say: O God, I thank thee that we are better than our brethren; but rather say: O Lord, forgive my unworthiness, and remember my brethren in mercy---yea, acknowledge your unworthiness before God at all times." I know I need to repent. Most of my anger and actions toward my husband is justified---which I explain with the paradoxical statement that I feel that God is actually showing mercy by allowing me to feel enough anger to take needed action to ensure the safety of me and my children. But there are times my anger crosses that line, and I become prideful. I know that I deserve a spouse who reciprocates the love and commitment I show to him---and this knowledge must be used to inform the decisions I make about my relationship with him. But when my anger makes me want to shame, hurt, punish, or blame my husband, I have crossed a line. When my anger toward my husband makes me feel that I am worth more or better than my husband, I have crossed a line. I know that when it comes to my relationship with God and my understanding of myself, the choices of my husband are irrelevant. When God considers me, his feelings are not based on a comparison of me and my husband. God's feelings of love toward me are based on my inherent worth and His acceptance of me depends only on my commitment to living the covenants I have made with him. God does not love me more or less because of what my husband or anyone else may do to me. God's feelings toward me are in no way affected by the conditions I find myself in: "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 38-39)

I know that God's love and word (the scriptures) bring peace and light and comfort into my life. I started writing this post because I felt deeply lonely and empty. I had checked Facebook and the forum and blogs for the umpteenth time, finding nothing new or novel enough to engage me. I knew there were friends I could email or call, but didn't feel up to reaching out. I wanted someone to reach out and in to me and find that place in my chest where my heart is trying to back slowly and unobtrusively out of the scene but keeps pounding slowly but surely against the reality that there are lungs and muscles and veins and ribs and spine and skin trapping it in my body and the circumstances surrounding my body which somehow constitute my life. I needed a safe place to say this. To say the words, "I am lonely. Is anyone there? Right now?" So I started a new post. And I looked at my notes from Attached, and remembered that my great capacity for intimacy, which I consider to be the greatest gift I have to offer myself and others, is also the source of the frequent and deep loneliness. This loneliness is compounded by being in a marriage where my emotional needs are not met, but feeling lonely will continue to be an issue even if the quality of my marriage changes. I have worked hard to create a network of friends that is both broad and deep in order to fend off this loneliness, but even that is not enough. I need more. I need God and the infinite love he offers---love that transcends time and space. And writing this post helped me remember his love and access it and feel some relief.

Some relief. For a few moments, it felt complete. Now, as I finish writing, I realize that my loneliness is not completely gone, although it is assuaged. And I know why. I know why God will, in his loving kindness, continue to let me feel lonely at times---perhaps much of the time. And if I forget, I can always just read this post again.

What I have learned

Another post answering some questions I was asked in response to my Saturday Night post. 

Looking back what have you learned most about the Holy Ghost and/or gut spiritual instincts?

Two things. First, it is significant to me that for about 85% of my marriage I felt unsettled about various issues in our relationship such as the amount of time we spent together (not much), how frequently we had sex (not often), and our emotional connection/his ability to support me emotionally (limited in scope/extent) and this  "just so happens" to be the same duration of my marriage tainted by H's pornography addiction. I realize now that I have been fighting for my marriage FOR my whole marriage. And the reason I was fighting for it is because he was, of his own admission, directly and indirectly, fighting against it as he engaged in his addiction. And I was fighting for our marriage because I am someone who values relationships above all, and I truly loved my husband and wanted more of him than he was sharing with me. At this point in my life, I am at peace with this tendency in myself because I'm learning how to keep the behaviors that stem from it healthy (mostly by discerning who I can trust, to what extent, and in what ways), and I take pride in the fact that I value relationships. Historically, my husband has not, and it has made his life sad and twisted.

Second, two and a half years ago when I initially realized porn was an issue (shortly after my husband left the church) of course I had so many questions about everything. And I took those questions to God pretty constantly. Looking back, I can see that I was guided in so many ways, which included receiving quite a bit of revelation in the way of promptings. But it didn't feel like much given how many questions I had, which was hard to not feel disatisfied with. Another issue was that the revelation I received didn't seem to match the questions I asked. I asked many very specific questions. The direct promptings I received were few, general, and usually repeated. For instance, the most consistent specific revelation I received was to take care of myself. Literally. The specific phrase and the essense of the phrase "Take care of yourself" was what I heard/felt in response to questions about how to proceed in my daily life and in my marriage. Looking back on the past 2.5 years and knowing what I know about myself now that I didn't know then, I am so grateful to God for this revelation. Taking care of myself is the best advice I could have been given and this counsel is still extremely applicable and helpful to me now. (Here's a post I wrote about self-care earlier in the year.)

If you could do one thing differently over the course of the past couple years what would that be?

It is really tempting to look back and wonder how things would have worked out if I had known sooner what I know now that gave me the strength to do what I did that led to the disclosure I just experienced. But I really don't think it's helpful for me to think about the past in that way. I'm not saying I did everything right or that I couldn't have done certain things better, but I do know the intent of my heart and the constraints I was under in the past, and overall, I know I was doing my best. So in order to avoid unhelpful feelings of regret/guilt (I experience more than enough of that without inflicting it on myself) I think it's more helpful to answer the question:

 What have you learned over the course of the past couple years that will change how you make decisions and what actual choices you make in the future?

1) Keep taking care of myself. Taking care of myself used to be more important than I thought it was, and I wasn't always sure it was possible or worth the effort. Now I know that my well-being is my most valuable (and vulnerable) asset to myself and my children and that I am worth whatever effort it takes to keep myself well.

2) Trust God. He really is looking out for my best interests, and He knows much more about what is best for me than I do.

3) Trust not in the arm of flesh. I can not currently trust my husband at all, and I should never again completely trust him. I should also not trust myself. Yes, overall I'm a good person trying to do what is right. But I have plenty of my own weaknesses that get in the way of me living quite as a I should. I need to remember (sorry, I don't have a source for this quote): "If you think you've got it all together, you're doing it wrong." I need to stay humble and rely on the Lord and learn from others.

Given the title of this post, I'd like to share that I also just learned that H found this blog (after seeing it on my computer), realized it was mine, and read all of the posts. I guess he was banking on the "asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission" thing. Um, I don't think that adage applies to sex addicts . . .

What I knew

Another post answering some questions I was asked in response to my Saturday Night post.

I was curious if you thought your husband's acting out behavior was limited to/exclusively only lust and pornography prior to this most recent disclosure?

Before my husbands' disclosure, two of my friends asked me what my best guess about the extent of my husbands' behavior was. I thought it was extremely likely that he had had an affair with a coworker a few years ago. From what he has told me in the past few weeks, it seems this was not the case. But I would say I was 75% confident that he had engaged in some kind of sex with another woman. I was a bit surprised it ended up being a prostitute, and that apparently the only times it happened were within 2 months of his disclosure (seems fishy, huh? I've asked him about this again and I'm still not trusting that I have full disclosure on the issue). But him having sex with a prostitute rather than having an affair really does fit his Avoidant attachment style better (if you haven't read Attached yet, get your hands on it!).

I also was about 85% confident that he had been to a strip club at least once. On the first D-day, 2.5 years ago, when I found all the porn on his laptop while he was out of state on a business trip, I saw that he had looked up where a strip club was in the town he was visiting. When he got home the next day, I told him I knew about the porn. I spent 3 days doing nothing but trying to drag the truth out of him, and for months after he still maintained that he had driven up to the strip club and then had an agonizing hour of soul searching while sitting in the car, deciding whether or not to go in and had ultimately decided that he "didn't want to be that kind of man/husband." Now I know that he did go into the strip club that night (yep, just hours after I found out about his porn use I spent the night at a friend's house in literal shock and he was in a strip club . . . ugh) and had been in several strip clubs on trips before that experience and went to several on trips after that time. Yeah, my husband has his work cut out for him if he is every going to earn ANY trust back from me.

If the answer is yes, could you share how you 'knew' before he had the courage to more honestly disclose? If the answer is no, that you did know his acting out behavior included more then lust and pornography, could you share how it felt slowly hearing/understanding additional behaviors over time?

Even though my best guesses about the extent of my husbands' acting out weren't correct, what I did know for the past 2.5 years was that what my husband was telling me did not make sense, was too vague, and was not consistent with what I had learned about pornography addiction. For two years my husband maintained that he was not an addict, striving to prove this through direct lies and denial and more indirect minimization  of the information I was aware of. For a while I kind of believed him. Part of me wanted to. But it was unsettling to me that he could not/would not give me more specific information about when he started viewing pornography (it took three days of grilling him for him to change from saying it had only been a few months, to six months, to 3.5 years---turns out it had been an issue for 2.5 years longer than he admitted at that point. I sure hope I've got the right start date now . . .) and how casually he talked about how often and how long he would engage in it. And the ease with which he said he would never look at it again. I tried to reason with him that even if it wasn't an addiction, it was at least a pattern of behavior in times of stress and he would have none of it.

With moving out of state and having another child shortly after the first D-day, I had a lot going on and my capacity for putting emotion into this issue fluctuated, but as I accumulated courage and confidence and sought more support (blogs, the forum, etc.) and learned more (from books and others with experience) I finally got to the point where I was 99.99% sure that my husband was addicted to porn, regardless of what he said or any evidence I had (which was zilch; he's super tech saavy, which is going to be such an issue for the rest of my marriage, however long that is). It was only around the beginning of this calendar year that I reached this point and finally started referring to my husband in my mind, and in my limited communication with others about the situation as an addict. Before that, I would use long and awkward phrases referring to his "use of pornography." What gave me confidence that he was an addict was his classic addict behaviors: lack of openness about important issues in general, but especially related to sex, minimization of his negative behaviors, immediate defensiveness when I brought up any concerns about his behavior in any aspect of daily life (as evidenced by him through withdrawal, as opposed to anger and confrontation like many addicts---it was hard for me to see this right away because I've had to learn to recognize his subtle, passive aggressive style which is in stark contrast to my direct approach to communication, so it has not always been easy for me to recognize), knowing from just a few small, but significant, experiences that he was capable of and comfortable with lying to me. Also things like him never wanting to sleep in bed with me, getting antsy about sharing his laptop with me, quickly closing his computer when I came in the room. Suff like that had made me suspicious about porn for years prior to the first D-day.

      With all that said, it has been difficult to learn the specifics of his behavior, how long they have been a part of his life, and what his behaviors mean in terms of boundaries that must be put into place. To be honest, I really haven't even started processing it all yet. I've been only brushing up against emotion (which is hard enough) and have been focusing on staying in assess mode. I will be having my first post D-day individual therapy appointment in a couple days though, which I plan to use as an official ushering in of the processing stage. I know it's what needs to be done and that no matter what, good will come of it for me personally, but I'm not looking forward to it. Processing emotion is so raw and exhausting.

What H has been up to

In my last post, I invited readers to ask questions to guide my next few posts. Thank you to those who asked questions---they were all good, and answering them has been a helpful activity for me. My responses are pretty long, so I'm going to break them up a little and publish new posts answering them every day or so. 

Question: Has your husband talked with anyone else about the addiction? Is he willing to do so? That is something that has been helpful for both my husband and me. For him, it has been helpful to connect with other addicts and know he's not alone. And for me, it has helped to not be the only person he discloses things to, not to be my husband's only or primary support.

Yes. And it has also been our experience that him talking to others has, overall, been helpful. Since disclosing to me, I have asked him to disclose information to various people in various settings. Thus far, he has chosen to comply with my requests (I know because I was there for most of the disclosures and received confirmation from the involved parties in the cases I was not).

I have asked my husband to disclose a summary of his addiction-related behaviors (dishonesty, pornography use, and infidelity) to his parents and siblings over the phone (they all live out of state).

I have asked him to disclose detailed information about his addiction to his therapist. He has been seeing a therapist for depression for several months, but hadn't told her anything related to his pornography use, acting out, or dishonesty.

I asked my husband to meet with the bishop with me. I had already met with the bishop once by myself and shared detailed information about his behavior. When we met with the bishop together, his behavior was discussed openly.

I asked my husband to begin meeting with an addiction support group and he is currently meeting weekly with Sex Addicts Anonymous and finding it extremely relevant and useful.

He tried meeting with a Sexaholics Anonymous group, but because it was an extremely small group and the few members are struggling with recovery, he did not find it helpful, and I am ok with him not continuing to attend that group.

I have asked him to try going to an LDS ARP meeting and that will probably happen next week. Due to some extenuating circumstances in our family life, it didn't work out for this week.

So for or now, he will be meeting with an addiction recovery group 1-2 times a week, meeting with his therapist 1-2 times a week (once it is fall, that will probably go down to just once a week), and we have plans to meet with the bishop together at least one more time. (This is huge given that he has not been active in the church for 2.5 years and says he has no belief in God.)

In addition, I have asked him to attend Sacrament meeting with me and our children and so far he is complying. Those are the big things he is doing. He also is reading some books I have asked him to. When I sleep at home, I am still in my own bedroom. I have no plans to change that anytime in the foreseeable future; in fact, when I have time and energy, I work on getting more settled into my private room and making it comfortable for me. I believe I will be sleeping at friend's houses often still in the foreseeable future.

I plan on posting another Q/A over the weekend, and if you have other questions, feel free to ask! 

Saturday Night

I was going to start this post with an apology for leaving you hanging about the outcome of my ultimatum, then I realized how ironic that would be. Technically, I still don't know the outcome of it. I mean, plenty has happened since I delivered it, but I still don't know if one year or ten years or 40 years I will still be married to my husband. Sadly, I've become so much more comfortable with the uncertainty inherent to the life of a WOPA. The good thing is that this has helped me be patient about not knowing the outcome of other things I can't control. Like my toddlers.

After delivering my ultimatum to H on Wednesday night (2.5 weeks ago), I felt so much peace. It was easy for my behavior toward my husband to align with the pattern in our marriage of treating each other respectfully and calmly even when there is really a lot going on in our relationship. Part of me is really grateful we are capable of doing this---mostly because I believe it offers our children some protection from the issues our marriage faces. Because of what I study (I'm still in grad school), I am very knowledgeable about the effects of marital conflict on children, and it is not good. With that said, I know that this apparent strength in our relationship is actually highly problematic. If H were more open to conflict and I were less accommodating of him, I would have been aware of the reality of our relationship years ago. This tangent is deserving of its own post, but what's important for you to know right now is that life went along pretty smoothly as we approached our scheduled discussion Saturday night.

As soon as our children were in bed, we went downstairs and sat on the couch in our living room and H brought a little notebook he had written a list in. It was clear that he had things to say, and there really wasn't much need for me to say anything at the outset of the conversation; we both knew that it was him that was expected to carry this conversation.

And carry it, he did. For almost an hour, he talked with barely a pause and only a few, short questions from me. Given his history (see here, here, and here for examples) of extreme non-communicativeness (his "record" of longest period of time passing without giving me any type of response---yes, total silence---to a question is THIRTY MINUTES. That's right: us sitting in complete silence for half an hour after me asking some questions and raising some issues. So the fact that he talked for almost an hour with no prompting from me is significant.

His somewhat lengthy and repetitive introduction (which betrayed his almost emotionless voice and made his high anxiety perfectly clear to me) focused on making it clear that the reason he had decided to tell me what he was about to tell me was that he loved me and wanted to come clean so we could stay together. (Some day I'll point out to him the irony of him making such a big point of this because for 2.5 years I've been trying to use that reasoning to get him to disclose to me; I've pointed out that it's not fair to not be open and honest with me if he loves me and cares about my well-being. Oh, addicts . . . you're so ridiculous.)

And then he started disclosing. Given that I have been anticipating the worst for years, on a technical level there was nothing that surprised me. But I'm sure anyone who has sat through disclosure from a sex addict (and yes, he now accepts that description of his behavior) understands how even if you've imagined the general issues your husband might have had, actually hearing the admissions and having even small amounts of specific information to fuel your ability to visualize certain scenarios is really, really intense. In order to avoid triggering anyone (hopefully) and myself (I'm going through a lot and have to take it easy emotionally when I can), I'll give you the most minimal summary I can that still conveys the severity of his addiction:

• H's pornography addiction has been an issue for 8.5 years of our 10-year marriage (2.5 years ago he told me it had only been a problem for the previous 3.5 years, so he just added 2.5 years to his start date).
• For the past 5 years of our marriage, when traveling (something he has done a lot of for work) he has been in the habit of flirting with and seeking the attention of women while purposely NOT wearing his wedding ring and frequenting strip clubs.
• In the very recent past he has had sex with a prostitute twice.
• He has literally stolen money from our family budget to help fund his behaviors. (Impressive since I track our budget pretty closely. Not closely enough, I realize now.) And he has lied to me in order to get access to money he wouldn't otherwise have access to in order to pay for strip clubs.
• He engages in other behaviors not consistent with the standards/commandments of the LDS church (he has not been active for 2.5 years but has always told me that he has maintained the same personal standards of behavior that the church teaches).
• He admitted to having extensive issues with dishonesty and that nearly all of his communication is laced with some sort of deceit or manipulation.

After he finished sharing the topics he planned to share, I asked a few questions seeking clarification or additional detail on aspects of his behavior. In the next hour or so, we talked a few more times, for a few minutes at a time as he continued to disclose behavior he had forgot about and I thought of questions I wanted answers to.

Throughout all of this, I was incredibly blessed to stay unbelievably calm. I took handwritten notes of everything he said, which helped me stay detached. I went into information collection mode; I focused on writing down as much of his words as I could, as if I were sitting in a class and would be held responsible for remembering everything he said in a test (remember, I'm still in grad school; going into nerd-mode is a safe and easy transition for me). I just knew, given my husband and our relationship, and his own clear efforts to keep emotion from entering his communication (which would have caused him to shut down), that the Lord blessed me to stay calm because it was important for me to get as much information about his behavior as possible, and if I had reacted emotionally at all, he would have stopped talking.

In the following week, I received additional disclosures every day, and now I only receive them every few days (as he begins some recovery behaviors, things he reads or learns sometime trigger things, mostly from very far in the past, that he has forgotten to tell me).

For the first 3 nights after D-day, I slept at home in my separate bedroom (and I made that bedroom official by moving all my clothes into the closet and moving my stuff into my kids' bathroom). Then I was able to get the key to the house of a friend who was on vacation, and I've spent all but three nights there for the last two weeks. I've learned that I can spend about one night a week at home, but two nights in a row is not a good idea. Maintaining distance has been so important for me for so many reasons.

There is so much I want to share---so much I'm learning and so many specific behaviors that are helping me stay strong. And H is starting to do some things that show me that it is a possibility that we could stay married. But I am still not counting on that and am starting to take steps that will protect me and my girls financially if/when things do not work out.

If you have specific questions, feel free to ask, and maybe that will help me decide what to post about next the next time I have the time and emotional energy to share something (the intersection of those two resources is so rare these days).

I would like to end by sharing that in the last few weeks my testimony of God's love for me and the reality and power of the Atonement have been greatly magnified. Praise be to God. I also am the luckiest woman alive for having the BEST friends I could ever ask for right now. The best. I have them close to me and far away, I have support in the flesh and in the fabulous online communities I'm a part of (the forum, the blogging world, and FB). Endless, endless gratitude for those who bless me so richly. I wish I could list you by name, but I know for sure that a few of you know exactly who you are. 

The B---------- Ultimatum

Thanks to all those who participated in Pioneer Day. I was busy blazing trails that day, so I wasn't able to do some of the activities I had hoped to, but I was able to do one "special" activity in honor of the day. I hope to share and do more related to that in the future. But right now my family is in crisis mode, so anything non-essential to the well-being of myself and my family is on hold. With that said, I do want to start catching you up on where I'm at with things.

My last real post, "Bad Math," was written two weeks ago now. The night after I wrote that post, I started reading, "Attached" and I finished reading it the next morning. While the HLC manual, Rhyll Croshaw's book "What can I do about me", and the Harrison's book "From Heartache to Healing", have all been of inestimable value to me, I can't think of another book that has directly affected my relationship with my husband as much as the book Attached. (Because my husband is an introvert, "Quiet" would be the next runner up though. If you have a close relationship with anyone who is an introvert, and especially if you are an introvert, do yourself a huge favor and get your hands on this book!) The information I learned from this book was the capstone to an accumulation of feelings and experiences I'd had for days, weeks, months, and years, and it gave me clarity about what I needed to do and the strength I needed to do it:

On Wednesday evening, I gave my husband an ultimatum.

I've always heard people talk about ultimatums as if they were a negative thing in a marriage. Maybe in a healthy marriage, the are bad. Maybe if you are just bluffing about sticking to your consequence, or demanding something inappropriate, they are bad. Maybe if it's just not the right time for the good God is orchestrating in your life, it's best to wait. But for me and my marriage at the time I did it, I know beyond a doubt it is the best possible thing I could have done, and I will never regret what I did.

Because I think it may be helpful to readers who may be in a position that an ultimatum would make sense for you, I am including a slightly edited script that I wrote personally and read, almost word for word, to my husband. I did not study the topic. I don't know what advice professionals would give about how to construct an ultimatum. All I know is I felt really good about what I was saying because of what I know about myself and my marriage and my husband, and I have had more clarity, confidence, and calm in my own inner world since delivering it than I have had  . . . ever?

I like calling it "The [enter my last name] Ultimatum" because I love the Bourne movie series and my last name begins with a B like Bourne does, so it sounds so hard core and cool. Messed up humor? You bet. But us Wives of Porn Addicts (WOPAs) have to get our chuckles where and when we can. So without further ado, I present: "The B----- Ultimatum":

Deadline: Saturday night, once the children are down for bed.

Request: Tell me if you are willing to participate (showing progressive openness and honesty) in weekly discussions (can be moderated by a therapist we agree upon) regarding various marital issues including but not limited to disclosure of all sexual behavior occurring outside of our relationship, all relationships with others, honesty in all areas of our interaction, parenting issues, and issues with extended family relationships

Consequences: If you are not willing to participate in these discussions, I (and therefore our children) will not move to the location where you have recently accepted a job. We will stay in our current home. Your willingness to participate in these discussions and show increasing openness and honesty is a necessary but not a sufficient requirement for my willingness to move from our current home.

In addition, on Saturday night I will give you the opportunity to share with me verbal reassurance of your commitment to hearing and attending to my needs for physical and emotional safety in our marriage and to make offers of behaviors of your choice that will serve as indicators of your sincerity, attempt to make restitution for the pain your choices have caused me, and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of increasing levels of trust.

Until I feel comfortable with the level of progress you are showing in communicating honestly and openly with me, I will continue to sleep in the office and use our children's bathroom. If you decide not to change your level of communication or not to engage in other behaviors that allow me to trust your level of commitment to our relationship and concern for my needs as an individual, I will begin to make plans for more formal separation.

Please keep in mind: I love you the best that I know how. I know I have not loved you perfectly, but I will not give up trying to improve the quality of my love for you as long as I know you are treating me in ways that are respectful of my basic needs for physical and emotional safety. This will involve far more intimate discussion than we have engaged in for a long time. I know this does not come easily to you, and because I love you and I want our relationship to work, I am willing to continue being patient with your efforts and respectful of your capabilities as long as I feel you are being wholly honest and making a whole-hearted effort. I love our family, and I want our children to be raised by the both of us, as a team. I am willing to sacrifice so much to make that happen, as long as I know I can truly count on you to care for me in some basic ways.

I closed by sharing the lyrics to Alan Jackson's song, "Remember When", and sharing a few thoughts about my husband I had expressed in the post I wrote. I expressed all of this information in a monotone, emotionless tone of voice (thanks, God, for helping me stay calm and detached). When I finished, I asked him if he had anything to say or if I should leave. He said that he was sorry and would think about what I had said. I touched his arm on the way out of the room and said "Good night."

Stay tuned to find out what happened that Saturday night . . .

1st Annual WOPA Pioneer Day

A few months ago, I had the idea to celebrate Pioneer Day, July 24th, as a holiday for Wives of Porn Addicts (WOPAs). Below is a description of my current vision for the day. I hope this becomes an annual tradition in the WOPA community, and I welcome your kind and constructive feedback for this concept (please be aware that given the current context of my marriage, I have not had very much time to devote to this and the ex-editor in me is actively cringing!). I encourage you to share this information with others and on your blog (please link to mine if you do!). 

Love,

Victory

We are Pioneers.

We are not alone.

A day of honoring and celebrating our strengths as Wives of Porn Addicts (WOPAs) and uniting in love, thought, and prayer.

1^st Annual Wives of Porn Addicts Pioneer Day: July 24^th, 2013

We Are Pioneers

Inspiring words about Modern Day Pioneer Women by Maurice W. Harker, Therapist

See full post at: http://mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com/2010/08/modern-day-pioneer-women-survivors-of.html

“Commonly, the wife I meet has a history of trying to be a righteous woman. She followed all the rules that were supposed to “guarantee” a good husband and a good marriage. She tried to be a good wife by meeting all his needs. But nonetheless, he stepped out of the marriage through pornography, masturbation, an affair, or anything like unto such. . . I have since learned, with the help of my wife’s example and research of pioneer women, that women, when necessary, can really buckle down and handle very difficult situations. They don’t want to, and will do all in their power to avoid it, but once a woman finds herself on the plains pulling a hand cart with children sitting inside, she can walk many miles, barefoot, singing happy songs of hope and faith to her children and skinning buffalo with her bare hands. Women, when you find reprieve from the spinning, I encourage you to tap into this power within. Recognize the devastating situation you are in and approach it as a challenge to be conquered. Remember your strength and intelligence. You are a problem solver. You are brave. You are strong. Make a plan, and make it happen!”

We Are Not Alone

Unfortunately, you are not the only WOPA . But fortunately, we are blessed, through modern technology and the dedication and hard work of many individuals in the caring industries (some WOPAs themselves) to have access to many resources accessible to almost everyone everywhere. If you have not yet reached out and created a community of support, let today be the day! Start your journey at http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/

A day of honoring and celebrating our strengths as WOPAs and uniting in love, thought, and prayer.

I hope that today you will find at least one way to honor and celebrate yourself and another WOPA and unite with WOPAs or other sources of support. Below are some suggestions of how you could do so. Please share what your experiences!

·         Indulge and/or nourish your body, mind, and spirit. For example, you could eat oreos, go on a walk, take a nap, try a new nutritious food, get a haircut, write in a gratitude journal, do yoga, go to the Temple, or do something that requires and reflects your courage. You could sing a hymn (perhaps “Come, Come, Ye Saints”), or offer a special prayer asking blessings for the WOPA community.

·         Unite with others. For example, you could seek support for yourself or offer support to another, seek communion with God, express gratitude to another who has touched your life for good, or do something (like write a blog post or create an information packet for your ecclesiastical leaders) to educate others about the issue of pornography addiction. I specifically invite you to offer a prayer at 2:40 pm (because it's the 24th) in your local time zone in support of WOPAs.

Bad math

I don't even want to be writing a post on this blog right now because it's just another act evidencing the circumstances of my life that I wish didn't exist.

And since I just used the word exist, I'd like to note that I'm getting pretty existential over here. It's nice to get such amazing support from my WOPA friends, but it's pretty depressing to think about how many women suffer because of their husbands' pornography use, and then to put that in the context of the entire history of our world being rife with rampant oppression of women.

In sum:

Mormon WOPA + sociology graduate student
__________________________________

Man-hating tendencies

-an open and honest husband

=

Victory feeling bitter and depressed

It doesn't take a math whiz to see this equation needs to be raised to a higher power if I want a different result. (In fact, if you are a math whiz, you probably winced your way through that wannabe formula. And the fact that I'm using the phrase "math whiz." Sorry I'm not better at math. And sorry I'm not very cool.)

I'll get there (that is, accessing Higher Power; coolness is probably unattainable for me). Just have to settle in with some uncomfortable feelings first. It's taken me 2.5 years to get emotionally ready to begin to face some of the emotions and possibilities I'm in the process of facing head on. It's so easy to call that denial, but I really don't think that's fair. Being a WOPA is tough, and it takes time to get your feet on the ground and a lot of strength to stand that ground.

There is a lot I should share for this all to make sense, and I probably will soon, just not ready yet. Some of it is up on the forum, though, if you're part of that. But the most important information about my current situation is that I am writing this from my new bedroom, which up to this point was just my office and our guest bedroom. I have slept here the past two night since H returned from working abroad for 2 months, and if I do share a room with him again, it will be because he has chosen to make progress toward increasing openness and honesty in our marriage. I don't know if or when that will happen, so today I moved my clothes into the closet in my new room and I've transferred most of my toiletries into my girls' bathroom.

In closing, I'd like to point out that I really did not want to write this post, but I'm so glad I did because I feel a little bit better now. The fact that I was able to incorporate a trace of humor (as poor as my humor may be) in my writing really helped me transcend a little. Just one reason it helps me to write.

I know where I'm at, but I don't know where I'm going

At the beginning of the week I set an appointment with my family doctor next month to consult about weaning myself off of the anti-depressant I've been on for the last 13 months. Lately I have been feeling so much better than I have felt in years. I know I am stronger and more stable. I have some confidence in my ability to handle life.

And then on Friday I had my annual pap and asked to be tested for STDs. I did really well in the doctor's office, as I consulted with my gynecologist (who is the BEST doctor EVER). But I cried on the way home. And later in the evening I experienced the first emotional trigger I have felt in months, and it was one of the worst I've ever had. It was a painful cry. And after I thought it ended, I felt sick to my stomach and then I ended up crying some more. I prayed and felt prompted to call a certain friend, who came to my house pronto at 10 pm and stayed up with me until 2:30 am. I am so thankful to her for her support to me.

But I am still emotionally hung over. There has been a shift in my internal state. For months I've been taking a break from the weight of emotion associated with H's behavior and choices, but as of Friday, the weight is back. I feel the break I took was important for me, but I know it's time for me to get more entrenched in my recovery work again. There is too much under the surface to rest for long. On Wednesday I started reading the Healing through Christ 12 step manual again, and I've read a little bit each day since then. I'm on Step 2, and just as I felt when I was on Step 1, I feel it's exactly what I need right now, which amazes me. Good stuff in that manual.

I'm frustrated though because I feel rather pessimistic about life---a bit depressed really. It's hard to admit because I really liked the thought that I'm not depressed anymore and could handle life without medication, but maybe in a few weeks I will realize that is not the case. I'm feeling the weight of the world on me right now; it's not just the issues in my own marriage that bother me, although those are my primary sources of stress, but also how they stem from and relate to problems in society at large and concern for my children and other loved ones. I'm just not sure what I'm looking forward to right now. For years I have struggled as my life has unfolded in ways that have obliterated the vague vision I had for my life---now there is nothing left. I have no idea what's coming.

I do know that some of this negativity is related to fatigue, meaning I need to shut down my computer ASAP (it's already after 11pm) and get to sleep. But I know it's running a bit deeper too. I also know I need to cast my burden on the Lord.

God is in the details

 

Today I attended the online 12-step meeting that Alicia of Bra Badges currently organizes. Alicia shared that she felt strongly that we should read the beginning section of step 3 in the Healing Through Christ manual today. I know others benefited from the material, but I know that at least part of the reason she felt guided to this material was for me. I said the opening prayer for our meeting, and I prayed with real intent but without much emotion---I just didn't feel plugged in spiritually. But as soon as Alicia read the first paragraph, I immediately and unexpectedly had a strong response to these words:

"In Step Three we look beyond ourselves, put our faith into action and make a decision to completely
surrender our will and our lives to the care of Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. We decide to trust that God’s way can and will work. We become willing to “place ourselves in a position in which, no matter what happens in our lives, we can trust that we will be guided and cared for. We are no longer in charge. By placing ourselves in the care of . . . God, we put ourselves in much more capable hands." (Step 3, Healing Through Christ)

I felt so much warmth and positive emotion throughout my whole body; I felt connection to God. I had this vague but strong sense that I still have a lot coming my way in life but that I will be ok through it all, thanks be to God.

As we continued to read and I reflected on where I'm at right now, emotionally and logistically, I realized that I have been spending too much effort toward doing what I want to do with my time (lurking on the forum, blogs, and FB) as opposed to doing the things God wants me to do with my time (journaling, scripture study, prayer, writing, responding meaningfully to others, putting more energy into my home and family). I also felt the need to (for what feels like the millionth time) accept the fact that my life, particularly my married life just will not look like what I expected, and that I need to embrace that by letting go of my expectations for my life (although not necessarily my hopes) and just open my heart and mind to experience what comes. (Not in a, accepting whatever H chooses to do kind of way, of course.) That sounds so fatalistic and passive, but for a life-long control freak like me, it's actually a very empowering perspective because I feel confident that even though I can't fix all the problems around me, I can be fixed. Who I am on the inside can transcend whatever it is I experience on the outside. It's still scary because in my experience so far it seems to be the case that transcendence tends to happen right at the begining of something hard and then again after it's all over, but that there is always a part of the experience in which God really lets go and lets me experience some hard things, because otherwise there would be nothing to transcend. But ultimately I have faith in the process.

In Step 3, there is also the "Tandem Bike" analogy about letting God ride on the front seat of the tandem bike so He can steer. For me personally, the "Radio Flyer Deluxe Steer and Stroll trike" analogy works a little better. No need to worry about switching seats----the positions are non-negotiable. I should always be ready to yield the steering to God and accept gracefully the momentum he provides for progress. Sometimes he even mercifully (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time) overrides my efforts to control the steering and speed. Sometimes I fight with God about the direction I should go (this is where Step 3 comes in).

But I also have to accept that God allows us the opportunity to make some choices without direct guidance, even if it means we will make mistakes; we must overcome our fear and make bold choices about how to proceed (and at what speed). As we get stronger and learn from experience, He doesn't have to hold to the handle in the back very often, or as tightly, except maybe when we're going over particularly rough or possibly new terrain.

My three-year-old daughter loves to ride her trike down this sidewalk, which has a slight incline, but does not like working her way back up it. If she had it her way, she would have me do 100% of the work to get back up. But I know what she's capable of, or could be capable of, and I trust her to be safe, so I do less and less of the work it takes to get back up (and in case you're worried about her, it really is not a steep incline!). But I am always watching and waiting for her return.

As Thyself

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about the talk "What if love were our only motive?" (for the record, there were some parts that didn't do much for me, but the meat of it, mostly in the second half, I thought was great) and I brought up concerns I had with traditional ideals of love as selflessness. It was an awkward conversation because I didn't want to bring up H's pornography, but I did bring up the concept of co-dependence and wondered aloud how these ideas of looking after others' needs before our own, something that is idealized in many scriptural accounts and talks given by authorities in the LDS church, was consistent with what I have learned about the importance of self-care.

In the past 2+ years since learning about H's pornography use, the most consistent and clear impression I have received from God has been to take care of myself. It seemed that every time I approached the Lord in prayer and especially at the Temple, looking for answers to too many questions to count, I would walk away with nothing more than the conviction that I was to take care of myself.

In the time I have received that instruction (and as of two months ago, I am still receiving promptings from the Lord to focus on self-care), I have learned a lot about how to care for myself well and appropriately. And, lest any be concerned that I have become more selfish than I was in the past, I have spent no less time in service. In fact, now that I am the mother of two children instead of just one, I  probably much more time serving others than I had before I started receiving and acting on this revelation. In addition, the Lord has given me meaningful visiting teaching assignments that have given me many opportunities to serve, some of which have been quite sacred to me. I also still maintain meaningful church service in my current calling and work hard to serve my friends and family whenever I am able. (And more than ever, I have felt the peace, love, and joy that serving others brings; I consider the opportunities I've had to serve others in the past two years a true blessing.)

In my effort to reconcile my traditional view of loving others with my current view which highlights the importance of caring for myself, I checked all the scriptural references in LDS canonized scripture associated with the command to love others. They all read as Mark 12:31 reads:

"...Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."

None of the scriptural commands to love our neighbors spoke of loving them more than ourselves. In fact, there was never a hierarchy presented of where are love for our neighbors should be placed in relation to our love for ourselves. That's because there is no hierarchy. Just as God's love for all of his children is equal and unconditional, so should our love for others be equal and unconditional to our love for ourselves.

Ever since my husband left the church, it has been my goal to improve the quality of my love for him. I feel that if I love him with a Christ-like love, he will be more likely to choose to return to church because the fruits of my loving choices will help encourage and invite him to return. I hope to help draw him back to the Savior.

As taught by a professor at BYU, I interpret the last line of Doctrine and Covenants 121: 46:

"and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever."

to mean that the power of Temple Sealings is derived from living in such a way that our families will want to live with us forever and ultimately will repent of any behavior necessary in order to do so. No one can be forced into heaven, but if someone wants to go, they will do anything they need to in order to be there.

Understanding the command to love others as I love myself helps me make sense of the specific, repeated instruction I've received from the Lord to take care of myself while I have been striving to become better at loving my husband. How could I ever love H as God would love him if I am not capable of loving myself as God loves me?

As I have focused on learning how to truly care for myself well, I have learned to be more attentive to what helps me thrive and progress as an individual, and this makes me think longer and harder about what H might need to thrive and progress. I am not always able to know for sure what exactly he needs, but I feel I have been able to be more open to considering what specifically might help him or what needs he might have that need filling in the first place. Understanding my needs to have personal space and autonomy (agency) has also helped me respect H's needs to make decisions for himself and accept the consequences of his decisions in order to learn.

I don't have all the specifics worked out yet, but I do know that Christ-like love has nothing to do with enabling addiction or unrighteousness and does not require any behavior on my part that would diminish my dignity. I still have a long way to go---I'm better at conceptual descriptions of Christ-like love than I am enacting it. But I am awed by how God is teaching me and guiding me. It is taking time and the progress is slow, but it is happening.

So, so happy!

A lot has happened in my head and heart since I last gave a real update. I've posted some of this on the forum, but not much. I have felt the need to pull inside myself a little (this is big for an extrovert like me) and just tumble some things around on my own for a while.

BUT. I just have to share how delighted-thrilled-excited-grateful-none-of-these-words-is-enough about this. Read it. Seriously. Don't read any more of my post until you've read MM's. MM has been through a lot in the past few weeks, as anyone who is part of the forum (and if you're not, you should be) knows. Are you part of the forum yet? Join. Seriously. Don't read any more of my post until you've sent a request to join it. Smile. And now this. It is just too awesome for words. I have been in a good mood since Sunday night mostly in large part because of it.

Well, and because of an experience I had tied to it. After reading about MM's experience, I knelt to say a prayer to thank Heavenly Father, and I felt the impression that this was an example of how the Lord wants some changes to happen in the church---through the personal efforts of its members.

Yes, the Lord could give revelation to our leaders to make every Bishop read certain materials and have 12-step meetings in every stake (and part of me thinks it would be great if that did happen!), but even though I think the Lord wants the church to get to that point, He allows it to happen more organically through the efforts of women like you (and hopefully someday me and other WOPAs we know and love) because there are benefits and blessings (in knowledge and faith) that come to those involved in getting the change to happen. We will be so much more prepared as mothers (and queens) now and eternally to know for ourselves what women in our situation really need. And because the thrust of the education to the leaders is coming directly from our perspective rather than impersonal revelation (that is, not directly connected to the personal experience of someone that a leader may know), I believe the programs and protocol that will follow will be more likely to center on our needs rather than the uninformed ideas of well-meaning but inexperienced leaders.

It's messy this way, and a lot of women are suffering until these programs are put in place and leaders are adequately educated, and I don't think God is actually satisfied with this situation, but He is patient and lets the progress come from us as we use His grace, I believe. It's hard to really explain exactly what I felt, so I hope it makes sense. I just feel so strongly that MM's experience and the role that WOPAs can play in educating others and helping them find paths to healing are consistent with God's plan for us to use agency and learn and progress in this life. That is what we're here for: to take the road that will make us. (Another must-read!)

The impression also meant a lot to me because it also speaks to questions I've had about other processes of change in the church such as allowing blacks to receive the Priesthood and women praying in General Conference. There are appropriate ways to address issues in the culture of our church with our leaders, and MM's success is another testament to me of this. I do not feel that it is quite time for me to make a big effort to reach out as MM did---I don't know if God will ever put an experience quite like that in my path. But I do hope for and look forward to times when I will be able to contribute to more widespread efforts to help others find healing.