I was given a copy of these phrases in a college class, but with no source. I tried looking it up on Google, and there are a number of slightly different versions, but I couldn't find original sources for those either. So I don't know who originally wrote this, but I think these are helpful things to keep in mind as the spouse of an addict:
When I feel responsible for others I fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings and generally don’t listen.
When I am responsive to others I listen, show empathy, encourage, confront, share, listen and am sensitive.
When being responsible I feel tired, anxious, fearful, and liable.
When being responsive I feel relaxed, free, and self-aware.
When being responsible I care about circumstances, solutions, answers, performance, and being right.
When being responsive I care about feelings, relating one to one, and the other person making it on her own.
When being responsible I expect the other person to live up to my expectations.
When being responsive I expect the other person to be responsible for him or herself. I can trust and let go.
When being responsible I am a manipulator
When being responsive I am a helpful guide.
Based on your experience as a WOPA, do you agree with these statements? If not, please share why, I'd be interested in hearing your experience. Anyone have any go-to phrases or personal examples to share of how to be responsive versus responsible? How do you channel your inner responsiveness at times it feels more natural to act responsible? What fruits of responsiveness have you seen for yourself?
I so appreciate this list! I feel like I am currently working hard on being responsive vs. being responsible but it really helps to have this! Sorry I don't have anything to add, but it definitely helped me to read this today.
ReplyDeleteYour questions make me think of my couch experience last weekend. My first instinct was to go into responsible mode, but I really tried to channel that out and be responsive to the situation in a way that would help him rather than just being controlling. One of my students last year told me about a speech she made in a 4H competition about leadership and she found this quote: "leaders respond, not react." That has stuck with me ever since. I try to respond to the addiction stuff in a deliberate way, not react in a negative emotional way. I feel that "reacting" would be like being "responsible"-- taking charge kind of. If that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks for sharing this. It's pretty golden.
I do agree. I wish I had some great go to phrases for you. Lately, I've just been thinking, 'if this were a healthy conversation with an emotionally healthy person, how would I respond?' and I just respond that way. It doesn't give me a catch phrase, but it helps me to pull the emotions out and look at it in a healthy objective way.
ReplyDeleteI agree with these statements, but implementing them is tricky for me, I let my emotions dictate the things I say. I am working on this! Great list!
ReplyDeleteA book I was suggested to help with this has totally made everything make sense. The title of the book is "I don't have to make everything all better". An excellent read and very liberating when I realized I really don't have to fix everyone else's problems. Check it out. As a spouse of a porn addict, it has changed completely how I handle my role in his struggle.
ReplyDeleteGood list, but holy cow I so often wish I didn't have to employ such mental gymnastics to stay with someone who is emotionally stunted :/ how would it be to just live with an equal partner??!
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