I don't even want to be writing a post on this blog right now because it's just another act evidencing the circumstances of my life that I wish didn't exist.
And since I just used the word exist, I'd like to note that I'm getting pretty existential over here. It's nice to get such amazing support from my WOPA friends, but it's pretty depressing to think about how many women suffer because of their husbands' pornography use, and then to put that in the context of the entire history of our world being rife with rampant oppression of women.
In sum:
Mormon WOPA + sociology graduate student
__________________________________
Man-hating tendencies
-an open and honest husband
=
Victory feeling bitter and depressed
It doesn't take a math whiz to see this equation needs to be raised to a higher power if I want a different result. (In fact, if you are a math whiz, you probably winced your way through that wannabe formula. And the fact that I'm using the phrase "math whiz." Sorry I'm not better at math. And sorry I'm not very cool.)
I'll get there (that is, accessing Higher Power; coolness is probably unattainable for me). Just have to settle in with some uncomfortable feelings first. It's taken me 2.5 years to get emotionally ready to begin to face some of the emotions and possibilities I'm in the process of facing head on. It's so easy to call that denial, but I really don't think that's fair. Being a WOPA is tough, and it takes time to get your feet on the ground and a lot of strength to stand that ground.
There is a lot I should share for this all to make sense, and I probably will soon, just not ready yet. Some of it is up on the forum, though, if you're part of that. But the most important information about my current situation is that I am writing this from my new bedroom, which up to this point was just my office and our guest bedroom. I have slept here the past two night since H returned from working abroad for 2 months, and if I do share a room with him again, it will be because he has chosen to make progress toward increasing openness and honesty in our marriage. I don't know if or when that will happen, so today I moved my clothes into the closet in my new room and I've transferred most of my toiletries into my girls' bathroom.
In closing, I'd like to point out that I really did not want to write this post, but I'm so glad I did because I feel a little bit better now. The fact that I was able to incorporate a trace of humor (as poor as my humor may be) in my writing really helped me transcend a little. Just one reason it helps me to write.
I think you should redecorate! At least it would be fun!
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry a little. Just there at the end... I was hoping that this weekend would start a turning point and no move would be necessary. But this is a turning point even if it doesn't look like what I was hoping for. As much as I was hoping that you wouldn't feel the need to move into your office, that is a wonderful room! Seriously. One of the best memories of my life -- staying up way too late having girl talk (after such a long slumber party drought in my life) -- was right there. I'll always love that room for the beautiful home it was to me for 2 weeks. I believe you can thrive in there for as long as you need to!
ReplyDeleteI hope your new room is a healing sanctuary for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are tough right now, but I'm glad you are sticking up for yourself and what you deserve -- honesty!
ReplyDeleteI agree that it takes a lot of time to get your feet on the ground and a lot of strength to hold that ground.
ReplyDeleteWhy is honesty such an elusive element in our marriages? We are not asking too much here!
Thanks for the post.