As Thyself

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about the talk "What if love were our only motive?" (for the record, there were some parts that didn't do much for me, but the meat of it, mostly in the second half, I thought was great) and I brought up concerns I had with traditional ideals of love as selflessness. It was an awkward conversation because I didn't want to bring up H's pornography, but I did bring up the concept of co-dependence and wondered aloud how these ideas of looking after others' needs before our own, something that is idealized in many scriptural accounts and talks given by authorities in the LDS church, was consistent with what I have learned about the importance of self-care.

In the past 2+ years since learning about H's pornography use, the most consistent and clear impression I have received from God has been to take care of myself. It seemed that every time I approached the Lord in prayer and especially at the Temple, looking for answers to too many questions to count, I would walk away with nothing more than the conviction that I was to take care of myself.

In the time I have received that instruction (and as of two months ago, I am still receiving promptings from the Lord to focus on self-care), I have learned a lot about how to care for myself well and appropriately. And, lest any be concerned that I have become more selfish than I was in the past, I have spent no less time in service. In fact, now that I am the mother of two children instead of just one, I  probably much more time serving others than I had before I started receiving and acting on this revelation. In addition, the Lord has given me meaningful visiting teaching assignments that have given me many opportunities to serve, some of which have been quite sacred to me. I also still maintain meaningful church service in my current calling and work hard to serve my friends and family whenever I am able. (And more than ever, I have felt the peace, love, and joy that serving others brings; I consider the opportunities I've had to serve others in the past two years a true blessing.)

In my effort to reconcile my traditional view of loving others with my current view which highlights the importance of caring for myself, I checked all the scriptural references in LDS canonized scripture associated with the command to love others. They all read as Mark 12:31 reads:

"...Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."

None of the scriptural commands to love our neighbors spoke of loving them more than ourselves. In fact, there was never a hierarchy presented of where are love for our neighbors should be placed in relation to our love for ourselves. That's because there is no hierarchy. Just as God's love for all of his children is equal and unconditional, so should our love for others be equal and unconditional to our love for ourselves.

Ever since my husband left the church, it has been my goal to improve the quality of my love for him. I feel that if I love him with a Christ-like love, he will be more likely to choose to return to church because the fruits of my loving choices will help encourage and invite him to return. I hope to help draw him back to the Savior.

As taught by a professor at BYU, I interpret the last line of Doctrine and Covenants 121: 46:

"and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever."

to mean that the power of Temple Sealings is derived from living in such a way that our families will want to live with us forever and ultimately will repent of any behavior necessary in order to do so. No one can be forced into heaven, but if someone wants to go, they will do anything they need to in order to be there.

Understanding the command to love others as I love myself helps me make sense of the specific, repeated instruction I've received from the Lord to take care of myself while I have been striving to become better at loving my husband. How could I ever love H as God would love him if I am not capable of loving myself as God loves me?

As I have focused on learning how to truly care for myself well, I have learned to be more attentive to what helps me thrive and progress as an individual, and this makes me think longer and harder about what H might need to thrive and progress. I am not always able to know for sure what exactly he needs, but I feel I have been able to be more open to considering what specifically might help him or what needs he might have that need filling in the first place. Understanding my needs to have personal space and autonomy (agency) has also helped me respect H's needs to make decisions for himself and accept the consequences of his decisions in order to learn.

I don't have all the specifics worked out yet, but I do know that Christ-like love has nothing to do with enabling addiction or unrighteousness and does not require any behavior on my part that would diminish my dignity. I still have a long way to go---I'm better at conceptual descriptions of Christ-like love than I am enacting it. But I am awed by how God is teaching me and guiding me. It is taking time and the progress is slow, but it is happening.