The talk

I'm trying to catch up with some past events in order to get to the point where it will make sense to explain where I'm at now. You probably should read my previous post before you read this one.

After our children were in bed, we sat on the couch together and talked. I give H credit for starting the conversation and doing a thorough job of addressing the primary concern I had brought up in my previous "conversation" (really I was the only one who said anything, so I guess I should call this a monologue, haha): his ability to access the internet at school and his remote connection to his school computer from home (which I am supportive of him maintaining since it allows him to work from home and thereby be home a lot more). Overall I was comfortable with what he said about the issue, claiming that it was not an issue for pornography use. I realized, of course, he could be lying, but I did not feel it was the time to push the issue (as in check things out myself, which would require his help), and I didn't really want to. It was more important to me to take this rare and valuable opportunity of H being willing to talk to push him to address other issues. I came out and asked him (I had let him know previously I was interested in this information) if (looking back I really wish I had used the word "when" instead) he had viewed pornography since we last talked about a year and a half ago and if it was his intention to not view it.

And here is where his communication absolutely stalled out. Remembering H's need to take his time executing responses, I was very patient. Every five minutes or so I would gently insert a remark to the effect that I was not going to demand a response (I feel so strongly about this), that it was easy for me to imagine that he had and that I was ok hearing that answer if it was the case, and reminding him that I would rather have no response than a lie (this is very true for me). In response to these remarks he usually would say, in an emotional voice, that he was frustrated because he didn't want to wait to tell me but he didn't want to talk about it now either. He also said it was particularly frustrating because what he had to tell me wasn't even that bad. At hearing this I responded that it would be particularly helpful for me to know now since in preparation for our talk I had mentally composed a list of the worst possible things he could tell me (I didn't mention them specifically to him and I won't to you---I'm sure we can all imagine them ourselves), so if what he had to tell me wasn't so bad it would be a relief to me to hear it (this is very true for me as well; I don't think the things I imagined are real issues, but it sure would be nice to have his assurance that they aren't).

One hour after we had begun talking, most of which consisted of me punctuating his silence, we officially closed the conversation. Part of me was disappointed that I didn't come away with more. All this build up for that? But overall, I really was pleased just that we had the talk at all and I feel there are some things about it to be pleased about:

• We are capable of having a discussion without me getting so emotional that it distracts from our ability to communicate.
• H knows a little bit more about how I feel on some issues.
• H passed up an opportunity to lie to me. This reassures me that he really does respect me and wants to avoid doing things that would hurt me. I treasure this. This knowledge alone makes all the build up worth it to me.
• I feel much more comfortable with the idea of initiating conversations in the future. This feeling also helps make all the more negative aspects worth it.

Stay tuned for important developments post-talk . . .