What I have learned

Another post answering some questions I was asked in response to my Saturday Night post. 

Looking back what have you learned most about the Holy Ghost and/or gut spiritual instincts?

Two things. First, it is significant to me that for about 85% of my marriage I felt unsettled about various issues in our relationship such as the amount of time we spent together (not much), how frequently we had sex (not often), and our emotional connection/his ability to support me emotionally (limited in scope/extent) and this  "just so happens" to be the same duration of my marriage tainted by H's pornography addiction. I realize now that I have been fighting for my marriage FOR my whole marriage. And the reason I was fighting for it is because he was, of his own admission, directly and indirectly, fighting against it as he engaged in his addiction. And I was fighting for our marriage because I am someone who values relationships above all, and I truly loved my husband and wanted more of him than he was sharing with me. At this point in my life, I am at peace with this tendency in myself because I'm learning how to keep the behaviors that stem from it healthy (mostly by discerning who I can trust, to what extent, and in what ways), and I take pride in the fact that I value relationships. Historically, my husband has not, and it has made his life sad and twisted.

Second, two and a half years ago when I initially realized porn was an issue (shortly after my husband left the church) of course I had so many questions about everything. And I took those questions to God pretty constantly. Looking back, I can see that I was guided in so many ways, which included receiving quite a bit of revelation in the way of promptings. But it didn't feel like much given how many questions I had, which was hard to not feel disatisfied with. Another issue was that the revelation I received didn't seem to match the questions I asked. I asked many very specific questions. The direct promptings I received were few, general, and usually repeated. For instance, the most consistent specific revelation I received was to take care of myself. Literally. The specific phrase and the essense of the phrase "Take care of yourself" was what I heard/felt in response to questions about how to proceed in my daily life and in my marriage. Looking back on the past 2.5 years and knowing what I know about myself now that I didn't know then, I am so grateful to God for this revelation. Taking care of myself is the best advice I could have been given and this counsel is still extremely applicable and helpful to me now. (Here's a post I wrote about self-care earlier in the year.)

If you could do one thing differently over the course of the past couple years what would that be?

It is really tempting to look back and wonder how things would have worked out if I had known sooner what I know now that gave me the strength to do what I did that led to the disclosure I just experienced. But I really don't think it's helpful for me to think about the past in that way. I'm not saying I did everything right or that I couldn't have done certain things better, but I do know the intent of my heart and the constraints I was under in the past, and overall, I know I was doing my best. So in order to avoid unhelpful feelings of regret/guilt (I experience more than enough of that without inflicting it on myself) I think it's more helpful to answer the question:

 What have you learned over the course of the past couple years that will change how you make decisions and what actual choices you make in the future?

1) Keep taking care of myself. Taking care of myself used to be more important than I thought it was, and I wasn't always sure it was possible or worth the effort. Now I know that my well-being is my most valuable (and vulnerable) asset to myself and my children and that I am worth whatever effort it takes to keep myself well.

2) Trust God. He really is looking out for my best interests, and He knows much more about what is best for me than I do.

3) Trust not in the arm of flesh. I can not currently trust my husband at all, and I should never again completely trust him. I should also not trust myself. Yes, overall I'm a good person trying to do what is right. But I have plenty of my own weaknesses that get in the way of me living quite as a I should. I need to remember (sorry, I don't have a source for this quote): "If you think you've got it all together, you're doing it wrong." I need to stay humble and rely on the Lord and learn from others.

Given the title of this post, I'd like to share that I also just learned that H found this blog (after seeing it on my computer), realized it was mine, and read all of the posts. I guess he was banking on the "asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission" thing. Um, I don't think that adage applies to sex addicts . . .