Saturday Night

I was going to start this post with an apology for leaving you hanging about the outcome of my ultimatum, then I realized how ironic that would be. Technically, I still don't know the outcome of it. I mean, plenty has happened since I delivered it, but I still don't know if one year or ten years or 40 years I will still be married to my husband. Sadly, I've become so much more comfortable with the uncertainty inherent to the life of a WOPA. The good thing is that this has helped me be patient about not knowing the outcome of other things I can't control. Like my toddlers.

After delivering my ultimatum to H on Wednesday night (2.5 weeks ago), I felt so much peace. It was easy for my behavior toward my husband to align with the pattern in our marriage of treating each other respectfully and calmly even when there is really a lot going on in our relationship. Part of me is really grateful we are capable of doing this---mostly because I believe it offers our children some protection from the issues our marriage faces. Because of what I study (I'm still in grad school), I am very knowledgeable about the effects of marital conflict on children, and it is not good. With that said, I know that this apparent strength in our relationship is actually highly problematic. If H were more open to conflict and I were less accommodating of him, I would have been aware of the reality of our relationship years ago. This tangent is deserving of its own post, but what's important for you to know right now is that life went along pretty smoothly as we approached our scheduled discussion Saturday night.

As soon as our children were in bed, we went downstairs and sat on the couch in our living room and H brought a little notebook he had written a list in. It was clear that he had things to say, and there really wasn't much need for me to say anything at the outset of the conversation; we both knew that it was him that was expected to carry this conversation.

And carry it, he did. For almost an hour, he talked with barely a pause and only a few, short questions from me. Given his history (see here, here, and here for examples) of extreme non-communicativeness (his "record" of longest period of time passing without giving me any type of response---yes, total silence---to a question is THIRTY MINUTES. That's right: us sitting in complete silence for half an hour after me asking some questions and raising some issues. So the fact that he talked for almost an hour with no prompting from me is significant.

His somewhat lengthy and repetitive introduction (which betrayed his almost emotionless voice and made his high anxiety perfectly clear to me) focused on making it clear that the reason he had decided to tell me what he was about to tell me was that he loved me and wanted to come clean so we could stay together. (Some day I'll point out to him the irony of him making such a big point of this because for 2.5 years I've been trying to use that reasoning to get him to disclose to me; I've pointed out that it's not fair to not be open and honest with me if he loves me and cares about my well-being. Oh, addicts . . . you're so ridiculous.)

And then he started disclosing. Given that I have been anticipating the worst for years, on a technical level there was nothing that surprised me. But I'm sure anyone who has sat through disclosure from a sex addict (and yes, he now accepts that description of his behavior) understands how even if you've imagined the general issues your husband might have had, actually hearing the admissions and having even small amounts of specific information to fuel your ability to visualize certain scenarios is really, really intense. In order to avoid triggering anyone (hopefully) and myself (I'm going through a lot and have to take it easy emotionally when I can), I'll give you the most minimal summary I can that still conveys the severity of his addiction:

• H's pornography addiction has been an issue for 8.5 years of our 10-year marriage (2.5 years ago he told me it had only been a problem for the previous 3.5 years, so he just added 2.5 years to his start date).
• For the past 5 years of our marriage, when traveling (something he has done a lot of for work) he has been in the habit of flirting with and seeking the attention of women while purposely NOT wearing his wedding ring and frequenting strip clubs.
• In the very recent past he has had sex with a prostitute twice.
• He has literally stolen money from our family budget to help fund his behaviors. (Impressive since I track our budget pretty closely. Not closely enough, I realize now.) And he has lied to me in order to get access to money he wouldn't otherwise have access to in order to pay for strip clubs.
• He engages in other behaviors not consistent with the standards/commandments of the LDS church (he has not been active for 2.5 years but has always told me that he has maintained the same personal standards of behavior that the church teaches).
• He admitted to having extensive issues with dishonesty and that nearly all of his communication is laced with some sort of deceit or manipulation.

After he finished sharing the topics he planned to share, I asked a few questions seeking clarification or additional detail on aspects of his behavior. In the next hour or so, we talked a few more times, for a few minutes at a time as he continued to disclose behavior he had forgot about and I thought of questions I wanted answers to.

Throughout all of this, I was incredibly blessed to stay unbelievably calm. I took handwritten notes of everything he said, which helped me stay detached. I went into information collection mode; I focused on writing down as much of his words as I could, as if I were sitting in a class and would be held responsible for remembering everything he said in a test (remember, I'm still in grad school; going into nerd-mode is a safe and easy transition for me). I just knew, given my husband and our relationship, and his own clear efforts to keep emotion from entering his communication (which would have caused him to shut down), that the Lord blessed me to stay calm because it was important for me to get as much information about his behavior as possible, and if I had reacted emotionally at all, he would have stopped talking.

In the following week, I received additional disclosures every day, and now I only receive them every few days (as he begins some recovery behaviors, things he reads or learns sometime trigger things, mostly from very far in the past, that he has forgotten to tell me).

For the first 3 nights after D-day, I slept at home in my separate bedroom (and I made that bedroom official by moving all my clothes into the closet and moving my stuff into my kids' bathroom). Then I was able to get the key to the house of a friend who was on vacation, and I've spent all but three nights there for the last two weeks. I've learned that I can spend about one night a week at home, but two nights in a row is not a good idea. Maintaining distance has been so important for me for so many reasons.

There is so much I want to share---so much I'm learning and so many specific behaviors that are helping me stay strong. And H is starting to do some things that show me that it is a possibility that we could stay married. But I am still not counting on that and am starting to take steps that will protect me and my girls financially if/when things do not work out.

If you have specific questions, feel free to ask, and maybe that will help me decide what to post about next the next time I have the time and emotional energy to share something (the intersection of those two resources is so rare these days).

I would like to end by sharing that in the last few weeks my testimony of God's love for me and the reality and power of the Atonement have been greatly magnified. Praise be to God. I also am the luckiest woman alive for having the BEST friends I could ever ask for right now. The best. I have them close to me and far away, I have support in the flesh and in the fabulous online communities I'm a part of (the forum, the blogging world, and FB). Endless, endless gratitude for those who bless me so richly. I wish I could list you by name, but I know for sure that a few of you know exactly who you are.