The B---------- Ultimatum

Thanks to all those who participated in Pioneer Day. I was busy blazing trails that day, so I wasn't able to do some of the activities I had hoped to, but I was able to do one "special" activity in honor of the day. I hope to share and do more related to that in the future. But right now my family is in crisis mode, so anything non-essential to the well-being of myself and my family is on hold. With that said, I do want to start catching you up on where I'm at with things.

My last real post, "Bad Math," was written two weeks ago now. The night after I wrote that post, I started reading, "Attached" and I finished reading it the next morning. While the HLC manual, Rhyll Croshaw's book "What can I do about me", and the Harrison's book "From Heartache to Healing", have all been of inestimable value to me, I can't think of another book that has directly affected my relationship with my husband as much as the book Attached. (Because my husband is an introvert, "Quiet" would be the next runner up though. If you have a close relationship with anyone who is an introvert, and especially if you are an introvert, do yourself a huge favor and get your hands on this book!) The information I learned from this book was the capstone to an accumulation of feelings and experiences I'd had for days, weeks, months, and years, and it gave me clarity about what I needed to do and the strength I needed to do it:

On Wednesday evening, I gave my husband an ultimatum.

I've always heard people talk about ultimatums as if they were a negative thing in a marriage. Maybe in a healthy marriage, the are bad. Maybe if you are just bluffing about sticking to your consequence, or demanding something inappropriate, they are bad. Maybe if it's just not the right time for the good God is orchestrating in your life, it's best to wait. But for me and my marriage at the time I did it, I know beyond a doubt it is the best possible thing I could have done, and I will never regret what I did.

Because I think it may be helpful to readers who may be in a position that an ultimatum would make sense for you, I am including a slightly edited script that I wrote personally and read, almost word for word, to my husband. I did not study the topic. I don't know what advice professionals would give about how to construct an ultimatum. All I know is I felt really good about what I was saying because of what I know about myself and my marriage and my husband, and I have had more clarity, confidence, and calm in my own inner world since delivering it than I have had  . . . ever?

I like calling it "The [enter my last name] Ultimatum" because I love the Bourne movie series and my last name begins with a B like Bourne does, so it sounds so hard core and cool. Messed up humor? You bet. But us Wives of Porn Addicts (WOPAs) have to get our chuckles where and when we can. So without further ado, I present: "The B----- Ultimatum":

Deadline: Saturday night, once the children are down for bed.

Request: Tell me if you are willing to participate (showing progressive openness and honesty) in weekly discussions (can be moderated by a therapist we agree upon) regarding various marital issues including but not limited to disclosure of all sexual behavior occurring outside of our relationship, all relationships with others, honesty in all areas of our interaction, parenting issues, and issues with extended family relationships

Consequences: If you are not willing to participate in these discussions, I (and therefore our children) will not move to the location where you have recently accepted a job. We will stay in our current home. Your willingness to participate in these discussions and show increasing openness and honesty is a necessary but not a sufficient requirement for my willingness to move from our current home.

In addition, on Saturday night I will give you the opportunity to share with me verbal reassurance of your commitment to hearing and attending to my needs for physical and emotional safety in our marriage and to make offers of behaviors of your choice that will serve as indicators of your sincerity, attempt to make restitution for the pain your choices have caused me, and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of increasing levels of trust.

Until I feel comfortable with the level of progress you are showing in communicating honestly and openly with me, I will continue to sleep in the office and use our children's bathroom. If you decide not to change your level of communication or not to engage in other behaviors that allow me to trust your level of commitment to our relationship and concern for my needs as an individual, I will begin to make plans for more formal separation.

Please keep in mind: I love you the best that I know how. I know I have not loved you perfectly, but I will not give up trying to improve the quality of my love for you as long as I know you are treating me in ways that are respectful of my basic needs for physical and emotional safety. This will involve far more intimate discussion than we have engaged in for a long time. I know this does not come easily to you, and because I love you and I want our relationship to work, I am willing to continue being patient with your efforts and respectful of your capabilities as long as I feel you are being wholly honest and making a whole-hearted effort. I love our family, and I want our children to be raised by the both of us, as a team. I am willing to sacrifice so much to make that happen, as long as I know I can truly count on you to care for me in some basic ways.

I closed by sharing the lyrics to Alan Jackson's song, "Remember When", and sharing a few thoughts about my husband I had expressed in the post I wrote. I expressed all of this information in a monotone, emotionless tone of voice (thanks, God, for helping me stay calm and detached). When I finished, I asked him if he had anything to say or if I should leave. He said that he was sorry and would think about what I had said. I touched his arm on the way out of the room and said "Good night."

Stay tuned to find out what happened that Saturday night . . .