The B---------- Ultimatum

Thanks to all those who participated in Pioneer Day. I was busy blazing trails that day, so I wasn't able to do some of the activities I had hoped to, but I was able to do one "special" activity in honor of the day. I hope to share and do more related to that in the future. But right now my family is in crisis mode, so anything non-essential to the well-being of myself and my family is on hold. With that said, I do want to start catching you up on where I'm at with things.

My last real post, "Bad Math," was written two weeks ago now. The night after I wrote that post, I started reading, "Attached" and I finished reading it the next morning. While the HLC manual, Rhyll Croshaw's book "What can I do about me", and the Harrison's book "From Heartache to Healing", have all been of inestimable value to me, I can't think of another book that has directly affected my relationship with my husband as much as the book Attached. (Because my husband is an introvert, "Quiet" would be the next runner up though. If you have a close relationship with anyone who is an introvert, and especially if you are an introvert, do yourself a huge favor and get your hands on this book!) The information I learned from this book was the capstone to an accumulation of feelings and experiences I'd had for days, weeks, months, and years, and it gave me clarity about what I needed to do and the strength I needed to do it:

On Wednesday evening, I gave my husband an ultimatum.

I've always heard people talk about ultimatums as if they were a negative thing in a marriage. Maybe in a healthy marriage, the are bad. Maybe if you are just bluffing about sticking to your consequence, or demanding something inappropriate, they are bad. Maybe if it's just not the right time for the good God is orchestrating in your life, it's best to wait. But for me and my marriage at the time I did it, I know beyond a doubt it is the best possible thing I could have done, and I will never regret what I did.

Because I think it may be helpful to readers who may be in a position that an ultimatum would make sense for you, I am including a slightly edited script that I wrote personally and read, almost word for word, to my husband. I did not study the topic. I don't know what advice professionals would give about how to construct an ultimatum. All I know is I felt really good about what I was saying because of what I know about myself and my marriage and my husband, and I have had more clarity, confidence, and calm in my own inner world since delivering it than I have had  . . . ever?

I like calling it "The [enter my last name] Ultimatum" because I love the Bourne movie series and my last name begins with a B like Bourne does, so it sounds so hard core and cool. Messed up humor? You bet. But us Wives of Porn Addicts (WOPAs) have to get our chuckles where and when we can. So without further ado, I present: "The B----- Ultimatum":

Deadline: Saturday night, once the children are down for bed.

Request: Tell me if you are willing to participate (showing progressive openness and honesty) in weekly discussions (can be moderated by a therapist we agree upon) regarding various marital issues including but not limited to disclosure of all sexual behavior occurring outside of our relationship, all relationships with others, honesty in all areas of our interaction, parenting issues, and issues with extended family relationships

Consequences: If you are not willing to participate in these discussions, I (and therefore our children) will not move to the location where you have recently accepted a job. We will stay in our current home. Your willingness to participate in these discussions and show increasing openness and honesty is a necessary but not a sufficient requirement for my willingness to move from our current home.

In addition, on Saturday night I will give you the opportunity to share with me verbal reassurance of your commitment to hearing and attending to my needs for physical and emotional safety in our marriage and to make offers of behaviors of your choice that will serve as indicators of your sincerity, attempt to make restitution for the pain your choices have caused me, and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of increasing levels of trust.

Until I feel comfortable with the level of progress you are showing in communicating honestly and openly with me, I will continue to sleep in the office and use our children's bathroom. If you decide not to change your level of communication or not to engage in other behaviors that allow me to trust your level of commitment to our relationship and concern for my needs as an individual, I will begin to make plans for more formal separation.

Please keep in mind: I love you the best that I know how. I know I have not loved you perfectly, but I will not give up trying to improve the quality of my love for you as long as I know you are treating me in ways that are respectful of my basic needs for physical and emotional safety. This will involve far more intimate discussion than we have engaged in for a long time. I know this does not come easily to you, and because I love you and I want our relationship to work, I am willing to continue being patient with your efforts and respectful of your capabilities as long as I feel you are being wholly honest and making a whole-hearted effort. I love our family, and I want our children to be raised by the both of us, as a team. I am willing to sacrifice so much to make that happen, as long as I know I can truly count on you to care for me in some basic ways.

I closed by sharing the lyrics to Alan Jackson's song, "Remember When", and sharing a few thoughts about my husband I had expressed in the post I wrote. I expressed all of this information in a monotone, emotionless tone of voice (thanks, God, for helping me stay calm and detached). When I finished, I asked him if he had anything to say or if I should leave. He said that he was sorry and would think about what I had said. I touched his arm on the way out of the room and said "Good night."

Stay tuned to find out what happened that Saturday night . . .

1st Annual WOPA Pioneer Day

A few months ago, I had the idea to celebrate Pioneer Day, July 24th, as a holiday for Wives of Porn Addicts (WOPAs). Below is a description of my current vision for the day. I hope this becomes an annual tradition in the WOPA community, and I welcome your kind and constructive feedback for this concept (please be aware that given the current context of my marriage, I have not had very much time to devote to this and the ex-editor in me is actively cringing!). I encourage you to share this information with others and on your blog (please link to mine if you do!). 

Love,

Victory

We are Pioneers.

We are not alone.

A day of honoring and celebrating our strengths as Wives of Porn Addicts (WOPAs) and uniting in love, thought, and prayer.

1^st Annual Wives of Porn Addicts Pioneer Day: July 24^th, 2013

We Are Pioneers

Inspiring words about Modern Day Pioneer Women by Maurice W. Harker, Therapist

See full post at: http://mwharkertherapist.blogspot.com/2010/08/modern-day-pioneer-women-survivors-of.html

“Commonly, the wife I meet has a history of trying to be a righteous woman. She followed all the rules that were supposed to “guarantee” a good husband and a good marriage. She tried to be a good wife by meeting all his needs. But nonetheless, he stepped out of the marriage through pornography, masturbation, an affair, or anything like unto such. . . I have since learned, with the help of my wife’s example and research of pioneer women, that women, when necessary, can really buckle down and handle very difficult situations. They don’t want to, and will do all in their power to avoid it, but once a woman finds herself on the plains pulling a hand cart with children sitting inside, she can walk many miles, barefoot, singing happy songs of hope and faith to her children and skinning buffalo with her bare hands. Women, when you find reprieve from the spinning, I encourage you to tap into this power within. Recognize the devastating situation you are in and approach it as a challenge to be conquered. Remember your strength and intelligence. You are a problem solver. You are brave. You are strong. Make a plan, and make it happen!”

We Are Not Alone

Unfortunately, you are not the only WOPA . But fortunately, we are blessed, through modern technology and the dedication and hard work of many individuals in the caring industries (some WOPAs themselves) to have access to many resources accessible to almost everyone everywhere. If you have not yet reached out and created a community of support, let today be the day! Start your journey at http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/

A day of honoring and celebrating our strengths as WOPAs and uniting in love, thought, and prayer.

I hope that today you will find at least one way to honor and celebrate yourself and another WOPA and unite with WOPAs or other sources of support. Below are some suggestions of how you could do so. Please share what your experiences!

·         Indulge and/or nourish your body, mind, and spirit. For example, you could eat oreos, go on a walk, take a nap, try a new nutritious food, get a haircut, write in a gratitude journal, do yoga, go to the Temple, or do something that requires and reflects your courage. You could sing a hymn (perhaps “Come, Come, Ye Saints”), or offer a special prayer asking blessings for the WOPA community.

·         Unite with others. For example, you could seek support for yourself or offer support to another, seek communion with God, express gratitude to another who has touched your life for good, or do something (like write a blog post or create an information packet for your ecclesiastical leaders) to educate others about the issue of pornography addiction. I specifically invite you to offer a prayer at 2:40 pm (because it's the 24th) in your local time zone in support of WOPAs.

Bad math

I don't even want to be writing a post on this blog right now because it's just another act evidencing the circumstances of my life that I wish didn't exist.

And since I just used the word exist, I'd like to note that I'm getting pretty existential over here. It's nice to get such amazing support from my WOPA friends, but it's pretty depressing to think about how many women suffer because of their husbands' pornography use, and then to put that in the context of the entire history of our world being rife with rampant oppression of women.

In sum:

Mormon WOPA + sociology graduate student
__________________________________

Man-hating tendencies

-an open and honest husband

=

Victory feeling bitter and depressed

It doesn't take a math whiz to see this equation needs to be raised to a higher power if I want a different result. (In fact, if you are a math whiz, you probably winced your way through that wannabe formula. And the fact that I'm using the phrase "math whiz." Sorry I'm not better at math. And sorry I'm not very cool.)

I'll get there (that is, accessing Higher Power; coolness is probably unattainable for me). Just have to settle in with some uncomfortable feelings first. It's taken me 2.5 years to get emotionally ready to begin to face some of the emotions and possibilities I'm in the process of facing head on. It's so easy to call that denial, but I really don't think that's fair. Being a WOPA is tough, and it takes time to get your feet on the ground and a lot of strength to stand that ground.

There is a lot I should share for this all to make sense, and I probably will soon, just not ready yet. Some of it is up on the forum, though, if you're part of that. But the most important information about my current situation is that I am writing this from my new bedroom, which up to this point was just my office and our guest bedroom. I have slept here the past two night since H returned from working abroad for 2 months, and if I do share a room with him again, it will be because he has chosen to make progress toward increasing openness and honesty in our marriage. I don't know if or when that will happen, so today I moved my clothes into the closet in my new room and I've transferred most of my toiletries into my girls' bathroom.

In closing, I'd like to point out that I really did not want to write this post, but I'm so glad I did because I feel a little bit better now. The fact that I was able to incorporate a trace of humor (as poor as my humor may be) in my writing really helped me transcend a little. Just one reason it helps me to write.