God is in the details

 

Today I attended the online 12-step meeting that Alicia of Bra Badges currently organizes. Alicia shared that she felt strongly that we should read the beginning section of step 3 in the Healing Through Christ manual today. I know others benefited from the material, but I know that at least part of the reason she felt guided to this material was for me. I said the opening prayer for our meeting, and I prayed with real intent but without much emotion---I just didn't feel plugged in spiritually. But as soon as Alicia read the first paragraph, I immediately and unexpectedly had a strong response to these words:

"In Step Three we look beyond ourselves, put our faith into action and make a decision to completely
surrender our will and our lives to the care of Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. We decide to trust that God’s way can and will work. We become willing to “place ourselves in a position in which, no matter what happens in our lives, we can trust that we will be guided and cared for. We are no longer in charge. By placing ourselves in the care of . . . God, we put ourselves in much more capable hands." (Step 3, Healing Through Christ)

I felt so much warmth and positive emotion throughout my whole body; I felt connection to God. I had this vague but strong sense that I still have a lot coming my way in life but that I will be ok through it all, thanks be to God.

As we continued to read and I reflected on where I'm at right now, emotionally and logistically, I realized that I have been spending too much effort toward doing what I want to do with my time (lurking on the forum, blogs, and FB) as opposed to doing the things God wants me to do with my time (journaling, scripture study, prayer, writing, responding meaningfully to others, putting more energy into my home and family). I also felt the need to (for what feels like the millionth time) accept the fact that my life, particularly my married life just will not look like what I expected, and that I need to embrace that by letting go of my expectations for my life (although not necessarily my hopes) and just open my heart and mind to experience what comes. (Not in a, accepting whatever H chooses to do kind of way, of course.) That sounds so fatalistic and passive, but for a life-long control freak like me, it's actually a very empowering perspective because I feel confident that even though I can't fix all the problems around me, I can be fixed. Who I am on the inside can transcend whatever it is I experience on the outside. It's still scary because in my experience so far it seems to be the case that transcendence tends to happen right at the begining of something hard and then again after it's all over, but that there is always a part of the experience in which God really lets go and lets me experience some hard things, because otherwise there would be nothing to transcend. But ultimately I have faith in the process.

In Step 3, there is also the "Tandem Bike" analogy about letting God ride on the front seat of the tandem bike so He can steer. For me personally, the "Radio Flyer Deluxe Steer and Stroll trike" analogy works a little better. No need to worry about switching seats----the positions are non-negotiable. I should always be ready to yield the steering to God and accept gracefully the momentum he provides for progress. Sometimes he even mercifully (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time) overrides my efforts to control the steering and speed. Sometimes I fight with God about the direction I should go (this is where Step 3 comes in).

But I also have to accept that God allows us the opportunity to make some choices without direct guidance, even if it means we will make mistakes; we must overcome our fear and make bold choices about how to proceed (and at what speed). As we get stronger and learn from experience, He doesn't have to hold to the handle in the back very often, or as tightly, except maybe when we're going over particularly rough or possibly new terrain.

My three-year-old daughter loves to ride her trike down this sidewalk, which has a slight incline, but does not like working her way back up it. If she had it her way, she would have me do 100% of the work to get back up. But I know what she's capable of, or could be capable of, and I trust her to be safe, so I do less and less of the work it takes to get back up (and in case you're worried about her, it really is not a steep incline!). But I am always watching and waiting for her return.