So about my last post. I really do like the responsible for vs. responsive to list I shared. Part of the reason I wanted to post about it was to keep that list where I can easily find it again. But I felt really uncomfortable writing the post and that discomfort has stayed with me as I've reread it since posting it. (Note that this discomfort did not extend to reading the comments left in response to it---did you catch that? lol. Loved what all of you shared!)
I finally figured out why I'm uncomfortable about what I posted. Sharing it in my current context could imply that I'm at a point in my healing where I'm much more engaged with H than I am. I'm doing a pretty decent job not acting responsible for H, but acting responsive to him is pretty much a non-issue for me right now because at this point, we are intentionally functioning as coparents, not a couple. H says he wants to start doing couples therapy (we both are doing individual therapy) and have conversations about our issues, but I feel very strongly for myself and from guidance from the Lord that it is not time yet. In the few instances we have talked about a few issues in our marriage (in which I've been almost completely unemotional and respectful toward him) or in which I've expressed even hints of negative emotion (I've not yet cried in front of or yelled at him; he can't even handle me taking a deep sigh with an upset facial expression) he becomes immediately defensive. He doesn't get angry or mean, but he gets defensive--he starts protecting his image. And when that happens, I'm done. In terms of his sexual addiction, his position and my position in our marriage is so clear to me that I simply will not waste breath talking to him if I feel I have to defend myself to him. When he's ready to stop trying to maintain his image and start connecting with me, then I'll start opening up to and working with him. But not until then.
Is this denial? Is this enabling him? I don't think so. There are still many boundaries and consequences I've set and am enforcing for his behavior. We sleep in different rooms, we do not touch (about once a week I will hold his hand briefly, but only I can initiate touch), he has to go to his therapy and SAA meetings, etc. We both know what the problems in our relationship are. We both have at least some idea of what needs to happen to fix them. But first, we have to fix ourselves. My therapist told me that some people refer to 12-step programs as "selfish" because they require individuals to focus so much on themselves at first. But for someone who's caught in an addiction, it is not reasonable to expect them to do much more than just avoid addictive behavior at first. For us and our marriage, this makes sense.
So we're officially in limbo. I'm trying to avoid thinking about whether or not my marriage will last or end in divorce---that's not helpful at all. I'm just putting my marriage up on a shelf for a while so I can take good care of myself to be a good mom to my children and get in a place where I'm ready to work through my marital issues if/when it's time. I say if because at any point, I realize H could decide to stop pursuing recovery, and that would almost certainly mean divorce. Immediately.
Something that I've been telling myself to help me deal with this uncertainty is:
If H and I do divorce, I will be grateful for the efforts I made to continue to treat him with respect and be a cooperative coparent with him and seek my own healing and recovery and support him in his because then it will be easier for me to fend off feelings of personal guilt for my marriage not working out.
If H and I do stay together, I will be grateful for what I've done to ensure the current and future well-being of me and my girls (such as finishing my current degree so I'm more marketable, having a private bank account with emergency money in it, etc.) because these actions will help me feel safe enough to consider risking any further investment in my marriage.
So that, my friends, is where I'm at.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
How do you feel about responsibility?
I was given a copy of these phrases in a college class, but with no source. I tried looking it up on Google, and there are a number of slightly different versions, but I couldn't find original sources for those either. So I don't know who originally wrote this, but I think these are helpful things to keep in mind as the spouse of an addict:
When I feel responsible for others I fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings and generally don’t listen.
When I am responsive to others I listen, show empathy, encourage, confront, share, listen and am sensitive.
When being responsible I feel tired, anxious, fearful, and liable.
When being responsive I feel relaxed, free, and self-aware.
When being responsible I care about circumstances, solutions, answers, performance, and being right.
When being responsive I care about feelings, relating one to one, and the other person making it on her own.
When being responsible I expect the other person to live up to my expectations.
When being responsive I expect the other person to be responsible for him or herself. I can trust and let go.
When being responsible I am a manipulator
When being responsive I am a helpful guide.
Based on your experience as a WOPA, do you agree with these statements? If not, please share why, I'd be interested in hearing your experience. Anyone have any go-to phrases or personal examples to share of how to be responsive versus responsible? How do you channel your inner responsiveness at times it feels more natural to act responsible? What fruits of responsiveness have you seen for yourself?
When I feel responsible for others I fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings and generally don’t listen.
When I am responsive to others I listen, show empathy, encourage, confront, share, listen and am sensitive.
When being responsible I feel tired, anxious, fearful, and liable.
When being responsive I feel relaxed, free, and self-aware.
When being responsible I care about circumstances, solutions, answers, performance, and being right.
When being responsive I care about feelings, relating one to one, and the other person making it on her own.
When being responsible I expect the other person to live up to my expectations.
When being responsive I expect the other person to be responsible for him or herself. I can trust and let go.
When being responsible I am a manipulator
When being responsive I am a helpful guide.
Based on your experience as a WOPA, do you agree with these statements? If not, please share why, I'd be interested in hearing your experience. Anyone have any go-to phrases or personal examples to share of how to be responsive versus responsible? How do you channel your inner responsiveness at times it feels more natural to act responsible? What fruits of responsiveness have you seen for yourself?
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Peace that surpasseth understanding
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding,
shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
I've been dealing with a sticky, emotional situation related to H's addiction for the past few days and have had to face some hard and complicated emotions. Not fun. Seriously, the WOPA lifestyle leaves much to be desired.
But.
This situation and my emotions have brought me to my knees in fervent prayer. And as I've prayed, I've been blessed with guidance. Emotions and thought clarifying the direction of my behavior in one area of my life, and a clear prompting that signifies the need to start new behaviors in another area of my life (started taking some baby steps toward that already tonight).
And.
Here's the best part: the Lord has blessed me with peace. Right now, and for the past few hours since I said some prayers, I've been feeling peace about my decisions. Given what some other people think about the situation and the overall context of what I'm dealing with in my life, it doesn't make sense to feel peace right now. And there are probably some good reasons why I will not stay in this peaceful state indefinitely (click here for my thoughts on that). But I can't deny the peace I have been feeling. And I certainly am enjoying it, for however long it lasts. This is not the first time I have experienced peace that surpasseth understanding in my life, and I'm hopeful (and full of faith) that it will not be the last.
Monday, August 19, 2013
What I'm working for
By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Let us then labor for an inward stillness,
An inward stillness and an inward healing,
That perfect silence where lips and heart
Are still, and we no longer entertain
Our own imperfect thought and vain opinions,
But God alone speaks in us, and we wait
In singleness of heart, that we may know
His will, and in the silence of our spirits,
We may do his will and do that only!
I'm thankful for God's help in my labor to be still today. I'm still squirming a bit, but at least I'm no longer chasing my own tail.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
What I know
There is so much I do not know. I've become more aware of and comfortable with the fact that every moment that exists beyond the present is a mystery to me. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what choices other people will make. I don't know what conditions will be thrust upon me. But based on what I have experienced, there are some things I know. I say I know them because I have had experiences with them that transcend what I comprehend to be the capacity of mortal experience. And because making choices consistent with this knowledge brings increasing peace and goodness in my life.
I know that at many times in my life God has protected me from the emotional consequences of negative events. Most recently, for the first two weeks after D-day, I was in an almost constant state of calm. Despite the devastating news I had received about the state of my marriage, I was able to engage almost continuously on a rational level and focus on making decisions about how to proceed, rather than get lost in processing emotion.
I know that at many times in my life God has allowed me to feel quite deeply the natural emotional consequences of negative events. I can see at least two purposes for God allowing this.
1) I have learned important things from my emotions. Feeling hurt emotionally by something someone says or does can help me pay attention to the quality of the relationships I am in and think critically about how safe they are and if (or to what extent) I should trust someone. Recurring feelings of hurt can remind me to continue to enforce boundaries I have set for my protection when it may be tempting to remove them (perhaps prematurely). I have decided that rather than be a victim of my emotions, I want to be a student of them. If I'm going to feel pain, I don't want it to be in vain.
2) Feeling emotional pain gives me experience that helps me be more sensitive and compassionate and learn how to better serve others. I still have a long way to go in learning how to succor others in the best way possible, but I have learned some powerful lessons from going through my own pain---particularly regarding some beautiful experiences I have had in receiving comfort and support from others when I have suffered. Something I love about the word compassion is that its roots mean "suffer with." Because of what I have suffered, I am capable of more effectively suffering with others (in a way that can relieve their suffering).
I know that I "see through a glass darkly" (1 Cor 13:12). I also recently learned that the word "glass" in this scripture is better read as "mirror." And I recently have made the connection that this scripture occurs in a chapter focused entirely on charity. And I remember the words: "The strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors," and "You don't have to be strong to have a clean mirror; it is the act of cleaning your mirror that will make you strong." (See this post for sources/explanations.)
I know that a natural consequence of becoming closer to the Lord and being blessed by and with his love gives me a cleaner mirror to look in. To me, having a cleaner mirror means seeing simultaneously both my divine nature and potential and my weaknesses and flaws (a la Ether 12: 27). In this context, I have been pondering these verses (Alma 38: 13-14): "Do not pray as the Zoramites do, for ye have seen that they pray to be heard of men, and to be praised for their wisdom. Do not say: O God, I thank thee that we are better than our brethren; but rather say: O Lord, forgive my unworthiness, and remember my brethren in mercy---yea, acknowledge your unworthiness before God at all times." I know I need to repent. Most of my anger and actions toward my husband is justified---which I explain with the paradoxical statement that I feel that God is actually showing mercy by allowing me to feel enough anger to take needed action to ensure the safety of me and my children. But there are times my anger crosses that line, and I become prideful. I know that I deserve a spouse who reciprocates the love and commitment I show to him---and this knowledge must be used to inform the decisions I make about my relationship with him. But when my anger makes me want to shame, hurt, punish, or blame my husband, I have crossed a line. When my anger toward my husband makes me feel that I am worth more or better than my husband, I have crossed a line. I know that when it comes to my relationship with God and my understanding of myself, the choices of my husband are irrelevant. When God considers me, his feelings are not based on a comparison of me and my husband. God's feelings of love toward me are based on my inherent worth and His acceptance of me depends only on my commitment to living the covenants I have made with him. God does not love me more or less because of what my husband or anyone else may do to me. God's feelings toward me are in no way affected by the conditions I find myself in: "For I am persuaded, that
neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor
things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 38-39)
I know that God's love and word (the scriptures) bring peace and light and comfort into my life. I started writing this post because I felt deeply lonely and empty. I had checked Facebook and the forum and blogs for the umpteenth time, finding nothing new or novel enough to engage me. I knew there were friends I could email or call, but didn't feel up to reaching out. I wanted someone to reach out and in to me and find that place in my chest where my heart is trying to back slowly and unobtrusively out of the scene but keeps pounding slowly but surely against the reality that there are lungs and muscles and veins and ribs and spine and skin trapping it in my body and the circumstances surrounding my body which somehow constitute my life. I needed a safe place to say this. To say the words, "I am lonely. Is anyone there? Right now?" So I started a new post. And I looked at my notes from Attached, and remembered that my great capacity for intimacy, which I consider to be the greatest gift I have to offer myself and others, is also the source of the frequent and deep loneliness. This loneliness is compounded by being in a marriage where my emotional needs are not met, but feeling lonely will continue to be an issue even if the quality of my marriage changes. I have worked hard to create a network of friends that is both broad and deep in order to fend off this loneliness, but even that is not enough. I need more. I need God and the infinite love he offers---love that transcends time and space. And writing this post helped me remember his love and access it and feel some relief.
Some relief. For a few moments, it felt complete. Now, as I finish writing, I realize that my loneliness is not completely gone, although it is assuaged. And I know why. I know why God will, in his loving kindness, continue to let me feel lonely at times---perhaps much of the time. And if I forget, I can always just read this post again.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
What I have learned
Another post answering some questions I was asked in response to my Saturday Night post.
Looking back what have you learned most about the Holy Ghost and/or gut spiritual instincts?
Two things. First, it is significant to me that for about 85% of my marriage I felt unsettled about various issues in our relationship such as the amount of time we spent together (not much), how frequently we had sex (not often), and our emotional connection/his ability to support me emotionally (limited in scope/extent) and this "just so happens" to be the same duration of my marriage tainted by H's pornography addiction. I realize now that I have been fighting for my marriage FOR my whole marriage. And the reason I was fighting for it is because he was, of his own admission, directly and indirectly, fighting against it as he engaged in his addiction. And I was fighting for our marriage because I am someone who values relationships above all, and I truly loved my husband and wanted more of him than he was sharing with me. At this point in my life, I am at peace with this tendency in myself because I'm learning how to keep the behaviors that stem from it healthy (mostly by discerning who I can trust, to what extent, and in what ways), and I take pride in the fact that I value relationships. Historically, my husband has not, and it has made his life sad and twisted.
Second, two and a half years ago when I initially realized porn was an issue (shortly after my husband left the church) of course I had so many questions about everything. And I took those questions to God pretty constantly. Looking back, I can see that I was guided in so many ways, which included receiving quite a bit of revelation in the way of promptings. But it didn't feel like much given how many questions I had, which was hard to not feel disatisfied with. Another issue was that the revelation I received didn't seem to match the questions I asked. I asked many very specific questions. The direct promptings I received were few, general, and usually repeated. For instance, the most consistent specific revelation I received was to take care of myself. Literally. The specific phrase and the essense of the phrase "Take care of yourself" was what I heard/felt in response to questions about how to proceed in my daily life and in my marriage. Looking back on the past 2.5 years and knowing what I know about myself now that I didn't know then, I am so grateful to God for this revelation. Taking care of myself is the best advice I could have been given and this counsel is still extremely applicable and helpful to me now. (Here's a post I wrote about self-care earlier in the year.)
If you could do one thing differently over the course of the past couple years what would that be?
It is really tempting to look back and wonder how things would have worked out if I had known sooner what I know now that gave me the strength to do what I did that led to the disclosure I just experienced. But I really don't think it's helpful for me to think about the past in that way. I'm not saying I did everything right or that I couldn't have done certain things better, but I do know the intent of my heart and the constraints I was under in the past, and overall, I know I was doing my best. So in order to avoid unhelpful feelings of regret/guilt (I experience more than enough of that without inflicting it on myself) I think it's more helpful to answer the question:
What have you learned over the course of the past couple years that will change how you make decisions and what actual choices you make in the future?
1) Keep taking care of myself. Taking care of myself used to be more important than I thought it was, and I wasn't always sure it was possible or worth the effort. Now I know that my well-being is my most valuable (and vulnerable) asset to myself and my children and that I am worth whatever effort it takes to keep myself well.
2) Trust God. He really is looking out for my best interests, and He knows much more about what is best for me than I do.
3) Trust not in the arm of flesh. I can not currently trust my husband at all, and I should never again completely trust him. I should also not trust myself. Yes, overall I'm a good person trying to do what is right. But I have plenty of my own weaknesses that get in the way of me living quite as a I should. I need to remember (sorry, I don't have a source for this quote): "If you think you've got it all together, you're doing it wrong." I need to stay humble and rely on the Lord and learn from others.
Given the title of this post, I'd like to share that I also just learned that H found this blog (after seeing it on my computer), realized it was mine, and read all of the posts. I guess he was banking on the "asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission" thing. Um, I don't think that adage applies to sex addicts . . .
Looking back what have you learned most about the Holy Ghost and/or gut spiritual instincts?
Two things. First, it is significant to me that for about 85% of my marriage I felt unsettled about various issues in our relationship such as the amount of time we spent together (not much), how frequently we had sex (not often), and our emotional connection/his ability to support me emotionally (limited in scope/extent) and this "just so happens" to be the same duration of my marriage tainted by H's pornography addiction. I realize now that I have been fighting for my marriage FOR my whole marriage. And the reason I was fighting for it is because he was, of his own admission, directly and indirectly, fighting against it as he engaged in his addiction. And I was fighting for our marriage because I am someone who values relationships above all, and I truly loved my husband and wanted more of him than he was sharing with me. At this point in my life, I am at peace with this tendency in myself because I'm learning how to keep the behaviors that stem from it healthy (mostly by discerning who I can trust, to what extent, and in what ways), and I take pride in the fact that I value relationships. Historically, my husband has not, and it has made his life sad and twisted.
Second, two and a half years ago when I initially realized porn was an issue (shortly after my husband left the church) of course I had so many questions about everything. And I took those questions to God pretty constantly. Looking back, I can see that I was guided in so many ways, which included receiving quite a bit of revelation in the way of promptings. But it didn't feel like much given how many questions I had, which was hard to not feel disatisfied with. Another issue was that the revelation I received didn't seem to match the questions I asked. I asked many very specific questions. The direct promptings I received were few, general, and usually repeated. For instance, the most consistent specific revelation I received was to take care of myself. Literally. The specific phrase and the essense of the phrase "Take care of yourself" was what I heard/felt in response to questions about how to proceed in my daily life and in my marriage. Looking back on the past 2.5 years and knowing what I know about myself now that I didn't know then, I am so grateful to God for this revelation. Taking care of myself is the best advice I could have been given and this counsel is still extremely applicable and helpful to me now. (Here's a post I wrote about self-care earlier in the year.)
If you could do one thing differently over the course of the past couple years what would that be?
It is really tempting to look back and wonder how things would have worked out if I had known sooner what I know now that gave me the strength to do what I did that led to the disclosure I just experienced. But I really don't think it's helpful for me to think about the past in that way. I'm not saying I did everything right or that I couldn't have done certain things better, but I do know the intent of my heart and the constraints I was under in the past, and overall, I know I was doing my best. So in order to avoid unhelpful feelings of regret/guilt (I experience more than enough of that without inflicting it on myself) I think it's more helpful to answer the question:
What have you learned over the course of the past couple years that will change how you make decisions and what actual choices you make in the future?
1) Keep taking care of myself. Taking care of myself used to be more important than I thought it was, and I wasn't always sure it was possible or worth the effort. Now I know that my well-being is my most valuable (and vulnerable) asset to myself and my children and that I am worth whatever effort it takes to keep myself well.
2) Trust God. He really is looking out for my best interests, and He knows much more about what is best for me than I do.
3) Trust not in the arm of flesh. I can not currently trust my husband at all, and I should never again completely trust him. I should also not trust myself. Yes, overall I'm a good person trying to do what is right. But I have plenty of my own weaknesses that get in the way of me living quite as a I should. I need to remember (sorry, I don't have a source for this quote): "If you think you've got it all together, you're doing it wrong." I need to stay humble and rely on the Lord and learn from others.
Given the title of this post, I'd like to share that I also just learned that H found this blog (after seeing it on my computer), realized it was mine, and read all of the posts. I guess he was banking on the "asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission" thing. Um, I don't think that adage applies to sex addicts . . .
Sunday, August 11, 2013
What I knew
Another post answering some questions I was asked in response to my Saturday Night post.
I was curious if you thought your husband's acting out behavior was limited to/exclusively only lust and pornography prior to this most recent disclosure?
Before my husbands' disclosure, two of my friends asked me what my best guess about the extent of my husbands' behavior was. I thought it was extremely likely that he had had an affair with a coworker a few years ago. From what he has told me in the past few weeks, it seems this was not the case. But I would say I was 75% confident that he had engaged in some kind of sex with another woman. I was a bit surprised it ended up being a prostitute, and that apparently the only times it happened were within 2 months of his disclosure (seems fishy, huh? I've asked him about this again and I'm still not trusting that I have full disclosure on the issue). But him having sex with a prostitute rather than having an affair really does fit his Avoidant attachment style better (if you haven't read Attached yet, get your hands on it!).
I also was about 85% confident that he had been to a strip club at least once. On the first D-day, 2.5 years ago, when I found all the porn on his laptop while he was out of state on a business trip, I saw that he had looked up where a strip club was in the town he was visiting. When he got home the next day, I told him I knew about the porn. I spent 3 days doing nothing but trying to drag the truth out of him, and for months after he still maintained that he had driven up to the strip club and then had an agonizing hour of soul searching while sitting in the car, deciding whether or not to go in and had ultimately decided that he "didn't want to be that kind of man/husband." Now I know that he did go into the strip club that night (yep, just hours after I found out about his porn use I spent the night at a friend's house in literal shock and he was in a strip club . . . ugh) and had been in several strip clubs on trips before that experience and went to several on trips after that time. Yeah, my husband has his work cut out for him if he is every going to earn ANY trust back from me.
If the answer is yes, could you share how you 'knew' before he had the courage to more honestly disclose? If the answer is no, that you did know his acting out behavior included more then lust and pornography, could you share how it felt slowly hearing/understanding additional behaviors over time?
Even though my best guesses about the extent of my husbands' acting out weren't correct, what I did know for the past 2.5 years was that what my husband was telling me did not make sense, was too vague, and was not consistent with what I had learned about pornography addiction. For two years my husband maintained that he was not an addict, striving to prove this through direct lies and denial and more indirect minimization of the information I was aware of. For a while I kind of believed him. Part of me wanted to. But it was unsettling to me that he could not/would not give me more specific information about when he started viewing pornography (it took three days of grilling him for him to change from saying it had only been a few months, to six months, to 3.5 years---turns out it had been an issue for 2.5 years longer than he admitted at that point. I sure hope I've got the right start date now . . .) and how casually he talked about how often and how long he would engage in it. And the ease with which he said he would never look at it again. I tried to reason with him that even if it wasn't an addiction, it was at least a pattern of behavior in times of stress and he would have none of it.
With moving out of state and having another child shortly after the first D-day, I had a lot going on and my capacity for putting emotion into this issue fluctuated, but as I accumulated courage and confidence and sought more support (blogs, the forum, etc.) and learned more (from books and others with experience) I finally got to the point where I was 99.99% sure that my husband was addicted to porn, regardless of what he said or any evidence I had (which was zilch; he's super tech saavy, which is going to be such an issue for the rest of my marriage, however long that is). It was only around the beginning of this calendar year that I reached this point and finally started referring to my husband in my mind, and in my limited communication with others about the situation as an addict. Before that, I would use long and awkward phrases referring to his "use of pornography." What gave me confidence that he was an addict was his classic addict behaviors: lack of openness about important issues in general, but especially related to sex, minimization of his negative behaviors, immediate defensiveness when I brought up any concerns about his behavior in any aspect of daily life (as evidenced by him through withdrawal, as opposed to anger and confrontation like many addicts---it was hard for me to see this right away because I've had to learn to recognize his subtle, passive aggressive style which is in stark contrast to my direct approach to communication, so it has not always been easy for me to recognize), knowing from just a few small, but significant, experiences that he was capable of and comfortable with lying to me. Also things like him never wanting to sleep in bed with me, getting antsy about sharing his laptop with me, quickly closing his computer when I came in the room. Suff like that had made me suspicious about porn for years prior to the first D-day.
With all that said, it has been difficult to learn the specifics of his behavior, how long they have been a part of his life, and what his behaviors mean in terms of boundaries that must be put into place. To be honest, I really haven't even started processing it all yet. I've been only brushing up against emotion (which is hard enough) and have been focusing on staying in assess mode. I will be having my first post D-day individual therapy appointment in a couple days though, which I plan to use as an official ushering in of the processing stage. I know it's what needs to be done and that no matter what, good will come of it for me personally, but I'm not looking forward to it. Processing emotion is so raw and exhausting.
I was curious if you thought your husband's acting out behavior was limited to/exclusively only lust and pornography prior to this most recent disclosure?
Before my husbands' disclosure, two of my friends asked me what my best guess about the extent of my husbands' behavior was. I thought it was extremely likely that he had had an affair with a coworker a few years ago. From what he has told me in the past few weeks, it seems this was not the case. But I would say I was 75% confident that he had engaged in some kind of sex with another woman. I was a bit surprised it ended up being a prostitute, and that apparently the only times it happened were within 2 months of his disclosure (seems fishy, huh? I've asked him about this again and I'm still not trusting that I have full disclosure on the issue). But him having sex with a prostitute rather than having an affair really does fit his Avoidant attachment style better (if you haven't read Attached yet, get your hands on it!).
I also was about 85% confident that he had been to a strip club at least once. On the first D-day, 2.5 years ago, when I found all the porn on his laptop while he was out of state on a business trip, I saw that he had looked up where a strip club was in the town he was visiting. When he got home the next day, I told him I knew about the porn. I spent 3 days doing nothing but trying to drag the truth out of him, and for months after he still maintained that he had driven up to the strip club and then had an agonizing hour of soul searching while sitting in the car, deciding whether or not to go in and had ultimately decided that he "didn't want to be that kind of man/husband." Now I know that he did go into the strip club that night (yep, just hours after I found out about his porn use I spent the night at a friend's house in literal shock and he was in a strip club . . . ugh) and had been in several strip clubs on trips before that experience and went to several on trips after that time. Yeah, my husband has his work cut out for him if he is every going to earn ANY trust back from me.
If the answer is yes, could you share how you 'knew' before he had the courage to more honestly disclose? If the answer is no, that you did know his acting out behavior included more then lust and pornography, could you share how it felt slowly hearing/understanding additional behaviors over time?
Even though my best guesses about the extent of my husbands' acting out weren't correct, what I did know for the past 2.5 years was that what my husband was telling me did not make sense, was too vague, and was not consistent with what I had learned about pornography addiction. For two years my husband maintained that he was not an addict, striving to prove this through direct lies and denial and more indirect minimization of the information I was aware of. For a while I kind of believed him. Part of me wanted to. But it was unsettling to me that he could not/would not give me more specific information about when he started viewing pornography (it took three days of grilling him for him to change from saying it had only been a few months, to six months, to 3.5 years---turns out it had been an issue for 2.5 years longer than he admitted at that point. I sure hope I've got the right start date now . . .) and how casually he talked about how often and how long he would engage in it. And the ease with which he said he would never look at it again. I tried to reason with him that even if it wasn't an addiction, it was at least a pattern of behavior in times of stress and he would have none of it.
With moving out of state and having another child shortly after the first D-day, I had a lot going on and my capacity for putting emotion into this issue fluctuated, but as I accumulated courage and confidence and sought more support (blogs, the forum, etc.) and learned more (from books and others with experience) I finally got to the point where I was 99.99% sure that my husband was addicted to porn, regardless of what he said or any evidence I had (which was zilch; he's super tech saavy, which is going to be such an issue for the rest of my marriage, however long that is). It was only around the beginning of this calendar year that I reached this point and finally started referring to my husband in my mind, and in my limited communication with others about the situation as an addict. Before that, I would use long and awkward phrases referring to his "use of pornography." What gave me confidence that he was an addict was his classic addict behaviors: lack of openness about important issues in general, but especially related to sex, minimization of his negative behaviors, immediate defensiveness when I brought up any concerns about his behavior in any aspect of daily life (as evidenced by him through withdrawal, as opposed to anger and confrontation like many addicts---it was hard for me to see this right away because I've had to learn to recognize his subtle, passive aggressive style which is in stark contrast to my direct approach to communication, so it has not always been easy for me to recognize), knowing from just a few small, but significant, experiences that he was capable of and comfortable with lying to me. Also things like him never wanting to sleep in bed with me, getting antsy about sharing his laptop with me, quickly closing his computer when I came in the room. Suff like that had made me suspicious about porn for years prior to the first D-day.
With all that said, it has been difficult to learn the specifics of his behavior, how long they have been a part of his life, and what his behaviors mean in terms of boundaries that must be put into place. To be honest, I really haven't even started processing it all yet. I've been only brushing up against emotion (which is hard enough) and have been focusing on staying in assess mode. I will be having my first post D-day individual therapy appointment in a couple days though, which I plan to use as an official ushering in of the processing stage. I know it's what needs to be done and that no matter what, good will come of it for me personally, but I'm not looking forward to it. Processing emotion is so raw and exhausting.
Friday, August 9, 2013
What H has been up to
In my last post, I invited readers to ask questions to guide my next few posts. Thank you to those who asked questions---they were all good, and answering them has been a helpful activity for me. My responses are pretty long, so I'm going to break them up a little and publish new posts answering them every day or so.
Question: Has your husband talked with anyone else about the addiction? Is he willing to do so? That is something that has been helpful for both my husband and me. For him, it has been helpful to connect with other addicts and know he's not alone. And for me, it has helped to not be the only person he discloses things to, not to be my husband's only or primary support.
Yes. And it has also been our experience that him talking to others has, overall, been helpful. Since disclosing to me, I have asked him to disclose information to various people in various settings. Thus far, he has chosen to comply with my requests (I know because I was there for most of the disclosures and received confirmation from the involved parties in the cases I was not).
I have asked my husband to disclose a summary of his addiction-related behaviors (dishonesty, pornography use, and infidelity) to his parents and siblings over the phone (they all live out of state).
I have asked him to disclose detailed information about his addiction to his therapist. He has been seeing a therapist for depression for several months, but hadn't told her anything related to his pornography use, acting out, or dishonesty.
I asked my husband to meet with the bishop with me. I had already met with the bishop once by myself and shared detailed information about his behavior. When we met with the bishop together, his behavior was discussed openly.
I asked my husband to begin meeting with an addiction support group and he is currently meeting weekly with Sex Addicts Anonymous and finding it extremely relevant and useful.
He tried meeting with a Sexaholics Anonymous group, but because it was an extremely small group and the few members are struggling with recovery, he did not find it helpful, and I am ok with him not continuing to attend that group.
I have asked him to try going to an LDS ARP meeting and that will probably happen next week. Due to some extenuating circumstances in our family life, it didn't work out for this week.
So for or now, he will be meeting with an addiction recovery group 1-2 times a week, meeting with his therapist 1-2 times a week (once it is fall, that will probably go down to just once a week), and we have plans to meet with the bishop together at least one more time. (This is huge given that he has not been active in the church for 2.5 years and says he has no belief in God.)
In addition, I have asked him to attend Sacrament meeting with me and our children and so far he is complying. Those are the big things he is doing. He also is reading some books I have asked him to. When I sleep at home, I am still in my own bedroom. I have no plans to change that anytime in the foreseeable future; in fact, when I have time and energy, I work on getting more settled into my private room and making it comfortable for me. I believe I will be sleeping at friend's houses often still in the foreseeable future.
I plan on posting another Q/A over the weekend, and if you have other questions, feel free to ask!
Question: Has your husband talked with anyone else about the addiction? Is he willing to do so? That is something that has been helpful for both my husband and me. For him, it has been helpful to connect with other addicts and know he's not alone. And for me, it has helped to not be the only person he discloses things to, not to be my husband's only or primary support.
Yes. And it has also been our experience that him talking to others has, overall, been helpful. Since disclosing to me, I have asked him to disclose information to various people in various settings. Thus far, he has chosen to comply with my requests (I know because I was there for most of the disclosures and received confirmation from the involved parties in the cases I was not).
I have asked my husband to disclose a summary of his addiction-related behaviors (dishonesty, pornography use, and infidelity) to his parents and siblings over the phone (they all live out of state).
I have asked him to disclose detailed information about his addiction to his therapist. He has been seeing a therapist for depression for several months, but hadn't told her anything related to his pornography use, acting out, or dishonesty.
I asked my husband to meet with the bishop with me. I had already met with the bishop once by myself and shared detailed information about his behavior. When we met with the bishop together, his behavior was discussed openly.
I asked my husband to begin meeting with an addiction support group and he is currently meeting weekly with Sex Addicts Anonymous and finding it extremely relevant and useful.
He tried meeting with a Sexaholics Anonymous group, but because it was an extremely small group and the few members are struggling with recovery, he did not find it helpful, and I am ok with him not continuing to attend that group.
I have asked him to try going to an LDS ARP meeting and that will probably happen next week. Due to some extenuating circumstances in our family life, it didn't work out for this week.
So for or now, he will be meeting with an addiction recovery group 1-2 times a week, meeting with his therapist 1-2 times a week (once it is fall, that will probably go down to just once a week), and we have plans to meet with the bishop together at least one more time. (This is huge given that he has not been active in the church for 2.5 years and says he has no belief in God.)
In addition, I have asked him to attend Sacrament meeting with me and our children and so far he is complying. Those are the big things he is doing. He also is reading some books I have asked him to. When I sleep at home, I am still in my own bedroom. I have no plans to change that anytime in the foreseeable future; in fact, when I have time and energy, I work on getting more settled into my private room and making it comfortable for me. I believe I will be sleeping at friend's houses often still in the foreseeable future.
I plan on posting another Q/A over the weekend, and if you have other questions, feel free to ask!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Saturday Night
I was going to start this post with an apology for leaving you hanging about the outcome of my ultimatum, then I realized how ironic that would be. Technically, I still don't know the outcome of it. I mean, plenty has happened since I delivered it, but I still don't know if one year or ten years or 40 years I will still be married to my husband. Sadly, I've become so much more comfortable with the uncertainty inherent to the life of a WOPA. The good thing is that this has helped me be patient about not knowing the outcome of other things I can't control. Like my toddlers.
After delivering my ultimatum to H on Wednesday night (2.5 weeks ago), I felt so much peace. It was easy for my behavior toward my husband to align with the pattern in our marriage of treating each other respectfully and calmly even when there is really a lot going on in our relationship. Part of me is really grateful we are capable of doing this---mostly because I believe it offers our children some protection from the issues our marriage faces. Because of what I study (I'm still in grad school), I am very knowledgeable about the effects of marital conflict on children, and it is not good. With that said, I know that this apparent strength in our relationship is actually highly problematic. If H were more open to conflict and I were less accommodating of him, I would have been aware of the reality of our relationship years ago. This tangent is deserving of its own post, but what's important for you to know right now is that life went along pretty smoothly as we approached our scheduled discussion Saturday night.
As soon as our children were in bed, we went downstairs and sat on the couch in our living room and H brought a little notebook he had written a list in. It was clear that he had things to say, and there really wasn't much need for me to say anything at the outset of the conversation; we both knew that it was him that was expected to carry this conversation.
And carry it, he did. For almost an hour, he talked with barely a pause and only a few, short questions from me. Given his history (see here, here, and here for examples) of extreme non-communicativeness (his "record" of longest period of time passing without giving me any type of response---yes, total silence---to a question is THIRTY MINUTES. That's right: us sitting in complete silence for half an hour after me asking some questions and raising some issues. So the fact that he talked for almost an hour with no prompting from me is significant.
His somewhat lengthy and repetitive introduction (which betrayed his almost emotionless voice and made his high anxiety perfectly clear to me) focused on making it clear that the reason he had decided to tell me what he was about to tell me was that he loved me and wanted to come clean so we could stay together. (Some day I'll point out to him the irony of him making such a big point of this because for 2.5 years I've been trying to use that reasoning to get him to disclose to me; I've pointed out that it's not fair to not be open and honest with me if he loves me and cares about my well-being. Oh, addicts . . . you're so ridiculous.)
And then he started disclosing. Given that I have been anticipating the worst for years, on a technical level there was nothing that surprised me. But I'm sure anyone who has sat through disclosure from a sex addict (and yes, he now accepts that description of his behavior) understands how even if you've imagined the general issues your husband might have had, actually hearing the admissions and having even small amounts of specific information to fuel your ability to visualize certain scenarios is really, really intense. In order to avoid triggering anyone (hopefully) and myself (I'm going through a lot and have to take it easy emotionally when I can), I'll give you the most minimal summary I can that still conveys the severity of his addiction:
Throughout all of this, I was incredibly blessed to stay unbelievably calm. I took handwritten notes of everything he said, which helped me stay detached. I went into information collection mode; I focused on writing down as much of his words as I could, as if I were sitting in a class and would be held responsible for remembering everything he said in a test (remember, I'm still in grad school; going into nerd-mode is a safe and easy transition for me). I just knew, given my husband and our relationship, and his own clear efforts to keep emotion from entering his communication (which would have caused him to shut down), that the Lord blessed me to stay calm because it was important for me to get as much information about his behavior as possible, and if I had reacted emotionally at all, he would have stopped talking.
In the following week, I received additional disclosures every day, and now I only receive them every few days (as he begins some recovery behaviors, things he reads or learns sometime trigger things, mostly from very far in the past, that he has forgotten to tell me).
For the first 3 nights after D-day, I slept at home in my separate bedroom (and I made that bedroom official by moving all my clothes into the closet and moving my stuff into my kids' bathroom). Then I was able to get the key to the house of a friend who was on vacation, and I've spent all but three nights there for the last two weeks. I've learned that I can spend about one night a week at home, but two nights in a row is not a good idea. Maintaining distance has been so important for me for so many reasons.
There is so much I want to share---so much I'm learning and so many specific behaviors that are helping me stay strong. And H is starting to do some things that show me that it is a possibility that we could stay married. But I am still not counting on that and am starting to take steps that will protect me and my girls financially if/when things do not work out.
If you have specific questions, feel free to ask, and maybe that will help me decide what to post about next the next time I have the time and emotional energy to share something (the intersection of those two resources is so rare these days).
I would like to end by sharing that in the last few weeks my testimony of God's love for me and the reality and power of the Atonement have been greatly magnified. Praise be to God. I also am the luckiest woman alive for having the BEST friends I could ever ask for right now. The best. I have them close to me and far away, I have support in the flesh and in the fabulous online communities I'm a part of (the forum, the blogging world, and FB). Endless, endless gratitude for those who bless me so richly. I wish I could list you by name, but I know for sure that a few of you know exactly who you are.
After delivering my ultimatum to H on Wednesday night (2.5 weeks ago), I felt so much peace. It was easy for my behavior toward my husband to align with the pattern in our marriage of treating each other respectfully and calmly even when there is really a lot going on in our relationship. Part of me is really grateful we are capable of doing this---mostly because I believe it offers our children some protection from the issues our marriage faces. Because of what I study (I'm still in grad school), I am very knowledgeable about the effects of marital conflict on children, and it is not good. With that said, I know that this apparent strength in our relationship is actually highly problematic. If H were more open to conflict and I were less accommodating of him, I would have been aware of the reality of our relationship years ago. This tangent is deserving of its own post, but what's important for you to know right now is that life went along pretty smoothly as we approached our scheduled discussion Saturday night.
As soon as our children were in bed, we went downstairs and sat on the couch in our living room and H brought a little notebook he had written a list in. It was clear that he had things to say, and there really wasn't much need for me to say anything at the outset of the conversation; we both knew that it was him that was expected to carry this conversation.
And carry it, he did. For almost an hour, he talked with barely a pause and only a few, short questions from me. Given his history (see here, here, and here for examples) of extreme non-communicativeness (his "record" of longest period of time passing without giving me any type of response---yes, total silence---to a question is THIRTY MINUTES. That's right: us sitting in complete silence for half an hour after me asking some questions and raising some issues. So the fact that he talked for almost an hour with no prompting from me is significant.
His somewhat lengthy and repetitive introduction (which betrayed his almost emotionless voice and made his high anxiety perfectly clear to me) focused on making it clear that the reason he had decided to tell me what he was about to tell me was that he loved me and wanted to come clean so we could stay together. (Some day I'll point out to him the irony of him making such a big point of this because for 2.5 years I've been trying to use that reasoning to get him to disclose to me; I've pointed out that it's not fair to not be open and honest with me if he loves me and cares about my well-being. Oh, addicts . . . you're so ridiculous.)
And then he started disclosing. Given that I have been anticipating the worst for years, on a technical level there was nothing that surprised me. But I'm sure anyone who has sat through disclosure from a sex addict (and yes, he now accepts that description of his behavior) understands how even if you've imagined the general issues your husband might have had, actually hearing the admissions and having even small amounts of specific information to fuel your ability to visualize certain scenarios is really, really intense. In order to avoid triggering anyone (hopefully) and myself (I'm going through a lot and have to take it easy emotionally when I can), I'll give you the most minimal summary I can that still conveys the severity of his addiction:
- H's pornography addiction has been an issue for 8.5 years of our 10-year marriage (2.5 years ago he told me it had only been a problem for the previous 3.5 years, so he just added 2.5 years to his start date).
- For the past 5 years of our marriage, when traveling (something he has done a lot of for work) he has been in the habit of flirting with and seeking the attention of women while purposely NOT wearing his wedding ring and frequenting strip clubs.
- In the very recent past he has had sex with a prostitute twice.
- He has literally stolen money from our family budget to help fund his behaviors. (Impressive since I track our budget pretty closely. Not closely enough, I realize now.) And he has lied to me in order to get access to money he wouldn't otherwise have access to in order to pay for strip clubs.
- He engages in other behaviors not consistent with the standards/commandments of the LDS church (he has not been active for 2.5 years but has always told me that he has maintained the same personal standards of behavior that the church teaches).
- He admitted to having extensive issues with dishonesty and that nearly all of his communication is laced with some sort of deceit or manipulation.
Throughout all of this, I was incredibly blessed to stay unbelievably calm. I took handwritten notes of everything he said, which helped me stay detached. I went into information collection mode; I focused on writing down as much of his words as I could, as if I were sitting in a class and would be held responsible for remembering everything he said in a test (remember, I'm still in grad school; going into nerd-mode is a safe and easy transition for me). I just knew, given my husband and our relationship, and his own clear efforts to keep emotion from entering his communication (which would have caused him to shut down), that the Lord blessed me to stay calm because it was important for me to get as much information about his behavior as possible, and if I had reacted emotionally at all, he would have stopped talking.
In the following week, I received additional disclosures every day, and now I only receive them every few days (as he begins some recovery behaviors, things he reads or learns sometime trigger things, mostly from very far in the past, that he has forgotten to tell me).
For the first 3 nights after D-day, I slept at home in my separate bedroom (and I made that bedroom official by moving all my clothes into the closet and moving my stuff into my kids' bathroom). Then I was able to get the key to the house of a friend who was on vacation, and I've spent all but three nights there for the last two weeks. I've learned that I can spend about one night a week at home, but two nights in a row is not a good idea. Maintaining distance has been so important for me for so many reasons.
There is so much I want to share---so much I'm learning and so many specific behaviors that are helping me stay strong. And H is starting to do some things that show me that it is a possibility that we could stay married. But I am still not counting on that and am starting to take steps that will protect me and my girls financially if/when things do not work out.
If you have specific questions, feel free to ask, and maybe that will help me decide what to post about next the next time I have the time and emotional energy to share something (the intersection of those two resources is so rare these days).
I would like to end by sharing that in the last few weeks my testimony of God's love for me and the reality and power of the Atonement have been greatly magnified. Praise be to God. I also am the luckiest woman alive for having the BEST friends I could ever ask for right now. The best. I have them close to me and far away, I have support in the flesh and in the fabulous online communities I'm a part of (the forum, the blogging world, and FB). Endless, endless gratitude for those who bless me so richly. I wish I could list you by name, but I know for sure that a few of you know exactly who you are.
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