Post-talk (last week)

I knew from experience that H would not be himself after our big talk on Sunday for about three days. I'm glad I'm able to anticipate this now, because it helps me deal with it better. With that said, I was surprised at the extent H withdrew and exhibited depressed behavior. It affected his interactions, more specifically the lack thereof, with me and our children more than ever before. So on Tuesday when I did not see any improvement, and maybe even some worsening, I started experiencing some feelings of frustration.

With that said, I really want to share how well I have been doing overall in responding to H's depression. I still don't know everything there is to know about co-dependence, but it is so obvious to me that I am so much less co-dependent on him than in the past, and it feels SO GOOD. The difference is just so stark. In the past when he has withdrawn in depression I have experienced a lot of anxiety that manifests itself in a lot of approach behaviors on my part that never, ever help. It's usually hard for me to relax and enjoy life. But ever since we got home and he's been so depressed, for the grad majority of the time I truly feel fine. Periodically, in my head I've had thoughts of frustration or anxiety (as opposed to care and concern, which is more the norm right now) for H, but overall my heart has stayed happy and calm. I'm pretty sure this is detachment, and I love it! I credit the following for this detachment:

• The Lord blessing me in my ability to respond appropriately to H.
• The 50 mg of sertraline (generic Zoloft) I take every morning.
• The fact that for the 18 months that I basically did not address any pornography related issues with my husband I focused on taking good care of myself and finding and making my own happiness.
• The fact that I have so many good friends that help fill the needs for support and interaction that my husband can't. A few know about the pornography and being able to talk with them is so helpful, but most have no idea and just having people I can enjoy spending time with is really important to my well-being and ability to not need my husband to be everything to me. (I need to write a post about this sometime because it can be hard to feel like H is my #1 when our interaction is limited in some important ways.)

Looking back on last week, I can recognize how important it has been for me to slow down, ignore my to-do list so I can attend to our family's more important needs, and focus on taking care of myself. This is especially hard since we're still trying to get back in the swing of things after being out of town for 3 weeks, but I keep reminding myself that the needs of myself and my family members are so much more important and pressing than our household and the timing of other activities and goals. This has been an area of focus for me in the last year, which I've written on in my non-anonymous blog (I'll email you the link to that if you're interested, but you have to be willing to also share your identity to me), and I've made huge improvements in my ability to execute behaviors consistent with my priorities.

Of course I had been praying during the week to know how to proceed in interactions with my husband. At times, especially as we passed the 72-hour mark and H was still incredibly withdrawn and depressed, I wondered if I should initiate another conversation and be more demanding in asking for information or enforcing certain standards of behavior in our home. Should I try pushing H to seek professional help for his depression? I was hesitant to do these things for a variety of reasons, and the short and simple guidance I got from God confirmed this hesitancy.

For instance, on Wednesday afternoon (I think?) when my children were down for nap/quiet time, I was able to resist the opportunity to take a nap and wanted to use my time doing something for me. I almost finished watching this presentation I had found on this site (I need to spend more time here) linked from this post on a blog that I love. Focusing on empathy was what I needed, as evidenced by the fact that as I watched the presentation, I still struggled to feel full empathy for H. But by the evening when I did finish watching the presentation, enough room had been made in my heart for H that I felt the desire (not obligation) to go downstairs and cuddle with him. No big changes happened because of this, but he did accept the offer to cuddle, which I very much appreciated after having had almost no verbal or physical interaction with him since Sunday.

Something else important happened for me that night. Earlier in the week I had bought a frozen lasagna to make for H to use for lunches and post-dinner snacks (I eat like a hippie most of the time, and I try to respect H's non-hippie ways by supplementing our family diet with more standard American fare). On Wednesday, in addition to acting depressed, H also seemed like he might be sick: achy and cold (although this could be from the depression too, I think). When he doesn't feel well physically he often gets very hungry, so I offered to make him the lasagna to help fill him up and warm him up. Of course, frozen lasagnas take about 2 hours to cook, but we knew he'd still be up late to eat some even if I wasn't. I went on with my evening and after preparing to go to sleep, I knelt by my bed and said a prayer. I asked the Lord for guidance to know how to help my husband, and I paused momentarily, hoping for some grand response. Can you believe what came to mind? One word: lasagna. I looked at the clock and realized that the lasagna would be done soon and went downstairs to check the timer and remind H to pull it out of the oven when it was done since I would be in bed.

I was amazed to see there was just one minute left on the timer. This meant my cold, tired, hungry husband was able to stay huddled on the couch under his blanket while I served him hot lasagna. This was a small and simple act of service, but I believe that it was meaningful for both my husband and me. The big take-away for me was that the Lord wanted me to put my efforts toward serving and expressing care and love for H rather than punishing him for feeling depressed.

On Thursday night I left the house for a few hours and H had to put the kids to bed himself, which would be a little challenging for him any night (he normally helps put just one child to bed as part of our routine), but especially hard given his physical and emotional state. In the past I might have decided to stay home, in fact I was tempted to, but he supported me going and with this permission, I left. I'm glad for my sake that I left---the things I did that night were important to my self-care. But when I came home H was literally breaking down. Things did not go as well with the kids after bedtime as usual (the baby always often seems to have her rare hard nights when I'm not there) and he could not handle it.

Up until 6 months to 1 year ago in a situation like this I would have pushed him to talk about what happened and his feelings, felt immensely guilty for leaving (and vowed to myself and maybe even him that I would not let such a situation happen again; i.e., no going out at night), and been incredibly anxious until his mood resolved. Now that I am in an emotional spot where I'm not as dependent on H, I was able to respond very differently and after asking him if he wanted to talk (no), simply sat with him in silence until he fell asleep.

Things have also changed because I can now view that emotional event for him as a positive catalyst. The next day he welcomed physical contact, and by evening, after the kids were in bed, he asked for it and to my surprise and elation, opened up to me about his feelings and told me that he was ready to seek professional help for his depression.

Cue Hallelujah chorus, please!

For two years (even more, really) I have wished/hoped/prayed that he would be open to receiving professional help, and now he is! I feel strongly that in order to respect H's privacy, I should not share specific details about his journey to deal with his depression. I was hesitant about doing so in the first place, but after reading this post this week, I knew that for me and my marriage, I should not (If you don't read Glennon Melton's blog momastary.com, I highly recommend it. All of her posts this week have been so personally meaningful to me). It's enough (I also have written on this theme in the past on my non-anonymous blog) to say that he is seeking professional help in a variety of ways right now, and I'm so proud of him because it takes a lot of persistence and energy to fight depression and he's doing a commendable job.

As you might have guessed, we haven't talked about pornography or related issues since the big talk, and for now I am at peace with that. My husband has some pressing emotional needs that need to be addressed before that becomes a priority. But I am encouraged because the door to discussion has been opened (I also have written about this theme on my non-anon blog) and I am hopeful that as he addresses his depression, his ability to have open and healthy conversations on this topic will increase.

Ok, now that I am caught up on this huge issue, I hope to be able to respond to your comments and post on other more general topics that have been on my mind soon!