So this post will not even attempt an update on some things that have happened that I want to write about. I just need a venue for exhaling some negativity, and this is the best place for that right now. I only have a few minutes, which is a good thing because I'm trying so hard to not focus on the negativity. So I want to write a few things, pull up my bootstraps (more like change my pajamas out for some actual clothes) and get about my day.
My husband has been feeling some pretty strong depression for the past few days, and at first I was doing ok with it, but it is really wearing on me. I feel bad complaining because I know based on his behavior he must really be struggling, but I also feel sorry for me and our family because we are suffering because of it too. It's especially hard for me to deal with because he and I respond to emotional stress so differently so because he doesn't react by seeking connection (by talking or touch) with me and isn't open to seeking medicinal or therapeutic help, I feel impatient because it seems like he's not trying to do anything about it. I'm working so hard to not feel resentful toward him for so many things. Mostly right now I'm frustrated that I have to always be the strong one in our family. I know that's not always the case, but for the last two years (I need to write a post just on this---I can't believe it's been almost two years of knowing about all this) it feels like that.
As I've prayed for help I've remembered that I don't need to always be the strong one---that I can fall and fail and let the Savior be my strength. I also have been blessed with small tender mercies in other areas of my life that remind me that the Lord is looking out for me and blessing me with opportunities to look out for others so I can be blessed through and for those small acts of service. I also have experienced, once again, feeling increased positivity and love for my husband when I pray for him and his needs. I realized in the middle of the night, after reflecting on these blessings that this trial has been working to my good. That amazingly I am becoming a better person overall. I hate admitting that because in no way would I want to communicate that my husband's choices have been a good thing or "worth it." But if his choices are abstracted to the level of "general life trial" then it helps me have faith in the Lord's overall plan of Salvation. Which is a good thing.
I'm not sure what to say because I don't want to add negativity to your life, but at the same time, I want to validate the fact that this situation would be really hard and frustrating. In particular the fact that he won't seek outside help of any kind. That is also something I don't understand and I've been around the block with severe depression many a time. I mean, I remember times when I did not know how to seek help and I didn't think it would help anyway, etc. but I was a kid. As an adult with others depending on me, it's hard for me to understand how I wouldn't see that I needed to be proactive in getting help in some form. I'm really trying to understand -- if he doesn't do any of those things to respond to emotional stress, what does he do? Are there other adaptive things that he does that you can see evidence of? Like I said, I'm not even sure if this comment is helpful/appropriate -- I guess I'm just feeling frustrated and protective of my friend. I want things to improve, like A LOT, and right now! You are a strong person and always on the lookout for spiritual growth, which I admire. As an exercise in exhaling negativity, this was very minor in my opinion, which should make you feel good -- that you are focusing on the positive as you have resolved to do. Sending love and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your caring remark to me. I'm happy that he has now started reaching out for help, from me and from professionals. Honestly, I was able to get through the wait ok this time because the Lord helped me know what H needed at the time, and I just went along with it even though I questioned it until I got further information from H on how he was doing. We are now in a much better place, at least in terms of our openess, which I'm so thankful for.
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