I have a question for those of you who blog about your experience with your husband's pornography use (or even just confide in others in some way for support): does your husband know you do this? And if so, does he know where to find your blog and read it? (Or does he know who you talk with about his pornography use/your healing?) How has this come about? Has he known all along or did you wait until a certain point to tell him?
As far as I know, H knows nothing about this blog. I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't surprise him that I keep a blog like this (he knows that writing and social support are very important to me), and maybe he's even guessed as much, but I purposely have not discussed it with him yet. (Although if he ever roamed freely on my computer, it would be easy enough for him to stumble across my blog, which part of me is paranoid about and part of me is perfectly fine with.) There are other similar matters I have not discussed with him: he knows indirectly that a few people know about the pornography use, but we've never discussed who knows, plus there are lots of things about my experience that I haven't told H. In some ways this issue of secrecy (privacy?) is complicated by the fact that he has not been active in the church since 6 weeks before I found out about the pornography; since then I have had many personal spiritual experiences that I have not shared, or shared in much depth, with H for a variety of pretty legitimate reasons. Also, I feel like (and this is probably totally unhealthy) that I shouldn't have to feel guilty about not telling him some things about my experience related to his pornography use if he isn't even at a point where he can be open/honest with me about his experience. To me, that is just a basic element of equality (for lack of a better word; it's 5 am, friends) in our relationship; I don't think one-sided full disclosure in a relationship is super safe or makes much sense in many situations. Thoughts?
BUT, I am not at total ease with this situation. I expect (and hope) that it is temporary, even if temporary still means for a really long time. I had a conversation on this issue with the counselor I was seeing right after all this came out and he threw out the phrase "We are as sick as our secrets." (This was said in relation to something specific that my husband doesn't know; I had not started this blog yet.) Thanks, buddy. I really needed that. Arrgh. I mean, I totally get it. But given the particular dysfunction in our relationship, I have had some negative experiences with opening up to my husband. Plus, I'm not sure that it would be good for him to know everything about my healing experience now, as I'm experiencing it. I need a safe zone where I can meet my emotional needs without worrying about hurting him or complicating his experience. Right? Right????????
I just saw a FB post today that referenced that same line "We are as sick as our secrets" but in a different way, it seemed to me. It had it next to an Anne Lamott quote that I have heard before: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." Now I don't wholeheartedly embrace Lamott's quote, either in theory or in practice in my own life (there is a particular person in my life who others have repeatedly told me to write more about both for venting and comedic value, but I have felt that that is not the right, Christlike thing to do -- though there have been many times when she should have behaved better). But I digress. I guess my point is, yes, I hope that this "secret" from H is only temporary, but in a way, not writing and talking was also a "secret" that was making you "sick."
ReplyDeleteAs for some of your questions, my "H" knows that I have told you. I knew that he didn't want me to tell anyone, but the night I first told you I felt very impressed to do it. And right afterward I told him that I had and that I felt it was very important to tell you right in that moment. He understood that; I think he always had a sense that I would have to tell some people, though he hoped not family. Besides our therapist, you're the only person I have talked about it in any detail with (actually, we have probably talked more than it even came up with the therapist), and he knows that after that initial discussion we have -- I have even copied and pasted some of the comments I have made on here into an email if I feel that they are somehow revealing of a certain way I am thinking or feeling. I have only told one other person, and her just very briefly.
As to your finally question, I wholeheartedly agree at this point. This is just my own outside perspective, of course, but with H in such a withdrawal/depressive pattern, I don't think he would want to know your "secrets" right now. I doubt he could handle it in a productive way until he deals more with some of his pressing needs. A student of mine wrote on our discussion board recently that she asks herself, Would I be embarrassed if my husband knew what I was thinking/writing right now? Perhaps asking yourself that question will help you recognize what are actual secrets or things that you would be uncomfortable with him knowing, and what are just things that he may not be able to deal with right now but you will be happy to share with him as your relationship and his situation progresses.
Wow. I had no idea that comment got so long :)
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting question.
ReplyDeleteAnd my response is long, sorry!
My husband knows that I share my thoughts in a blog, in a forum, in a 12 step group, with my mother, and with a friend. He knows because I haven't kept it a secret from him. I didn't tell my parents for over 5 years. I was dead set against telling them until I felt the Spirit STRONGLY guiding me to talk to my dad because I needed help and support. My husband was not happy when I told him I was going to tell my dad, but I wasn't about to go against the Spirit and I trusted that it would be the right thing to do if the Spirit was guiding me to do it. So, even though he screamed at me and was certain it would lead to divorce (yeah, like me getting help and not him repeatedly breaking his commitment to me would be the reason) and we had a horrible exchange, I did it anyway. And now he has accepted it.
He knows I have a blog and I never tried to hide the address, but said he wasn't going to read it. That was fine with me - I didn't want a secret from him, but I feel safer being able to post without worrying about his responses as I work through my feelings. To be honest, I would rather he DIDN'T read it, but if he did, he did. Then, I found out that he had been reading it and feeling upset by it. I in turn felt betrayed again in a way because I had been trying all along to be completely honest and transparent with him, but he was hiding it from me and even using the incognito tab to read it so I wouldn't know. AND he was letting it lead to a lot of resentment toward him.
I went through a phase for a while (MONTHS) where I told my husband everything. How I was feeling and what I was doing and even when I would regress into co-dependency and check the history or his email. I wanted complete honesty from him and so I returned the favor. The thing is, my husband is not trustworthy and he isn't in recovery and even if he moves toward that point, it will take time. So I've kind of tried to change my approach. I also found out after MONTHS of doing this that it all made him mad. Even though I was talking about it from my perspective and even though he "admits" to being an addict, he was offended when I would use addiction language like "detaching" or "boundaries" or "recovery." Oy.
He still knows that I have all of those outlets, but right now I am in a detached state from our relationship, which includes not sharing everything. I have told him that I am taking some time away from our relationship including all of those things, so I feel like I have been honest about withholding information, if that makes sense. I also feel like because there is a lack of trust, a lack of openness on his part, it isn't healthy for me to open up and be that vulnerable right now.
I'm still not sure what the right balance is or will be. I do think we need a safe place to work through our feelings privately. But I also don't want to invite deceit into our relationship through me. I don't think it is ever good. And I am afraid of rationalization. Because I don't think rationalization is ever good - my husband is king of rationalization. Sometimes it feels like such a tricky tight rope. I am curious to hear others' perspectives because I am still trying to sort this all out in my mind.
My husband knows about my blog and sometimes I'll even ask for his feedback after i write a post. That said, I think it's fine for you to write without his knowledge and/or approval. You are seeking support for yourself and that is important. As long as you are being careful to be anonymous, I think you should feel ok.
ReplyDelete