Letter to myself

After sharing a letter she wrote to her past self, Scabs issued an invitation to write a letter to ourselves in the past. I'm so glad I did this. I truly wish I could have had this letter to myself the day I found out about H's pornography use. I'm also very excited to share my letter with you.

letter to myself

please deliver March 9, 2011

after you check H's laptop and before your child wakes up from naptime

Victory Will Wait,

It has been 2 years since H left the church, and in less than one month, it will have been 2 years since you discovered H's pornography use. I wish I could go back in time and give you an enveloping hug. It's hard for me to know what to say, even now, because I know at the time you found out, very few things would have brought you comfort. The nature of this trial is one that will always be a concern for you in your mortal relationship with H. What comfort is there in knowing things will get better when for the rest of your life the possibility of things getting worse remains, and the probability of things getting really, really bad is so high? In the last two years I've learned to avoid this thought; perhaps that's unhealthy but I'm not at the point emotionally where focusing on it leads to healthy thoughts or behaviors, so I set it aside. So even as I write this, I resist empathizing with you fully in relation to this truth. Yet, I put it out here as a representation of the fact that I do know what you are experiencing and care deeply for your pain, even though at this particular moment I'm not choosing to engage in it.

Which leads me to something that may bring you hope: you will get stronger. It sounds cheesy and trite, but you will rise from the ashes and as you and the Lord and your therapists and your friends and your zoloft (advice: don't wait until 2012 to start taking this drug!) work to put you back together, you will discard (or at least make less accessible) certain tendencies that bring you unnecessary pain, and certain features that will aid you in your ability to learn, progress, and experience happiness will be added to you or enhanced so that they become a more prominent part of who you are. Really and truly, 2 years from now you will be a better and happier person than you are now.

I know how lonely you feel right now. And for you, lonely is one of the worst emotions to feel, so take it seriously. I realize it will take you time to feel confident in sharing your experience (specifically until November 2012), but I would encourage you to not wait so long to seek out the experiences of others. You're scared that others in similar situations will increase your tendency toward anger and bitterness and inhibit your ability to move forward in your relationships. And you're scared that you'll go looking for support and not find it. What if you are in a truly unique situation and there aren't others to be found? I'm here to tell you that you can dismiss both of these fears: just look at the sidebar of the blog that you will create for proof. (Here's where writing a letter to yourself in the past gets a little humerous, if you ask me!) You also have some "real-life" friends you will be able to connect with and gain support from. There are some pretty awesome women out there dealing with their husband's pornography use, and other similar issues, and their experiences will help you a lot.

Also (and as soon as I started typing this tears came to my eyes) you need to know that you are one of those awesome women dealing with the pornography use of a spouse. Yes, you are. You are doing an amazing job---truly admirable. Your efforts to approach the issue reflect spiritual and personal maturity and wisdom, and the care with which you respond to your husband, despite the co-dependent behaviors laced throughout, are indicative of the true love and respect you feel for him. Two years from now you will be proud of yourself (maybe a little too proud of yourself, but I'm working on that) for the patience and kindness that you have exhibited toward him. I know, patience! What a surprise. That's a really hard one for you, but you're going to get so much better at it.

For most of the next two years you will be in an almost constant state of doubt and confusion about how to proceed in your relationship with H. Most of the time you will feel as if you are dealing with this situation by yourself and wonder why God won't answer your questions and give you more guidance on what to do. You will feel so lost and will spend a lot of time wondering what you should do and worrying that what you do end up doing has been the wrong thing. I have a few things to say about this:

1) I think God is going to put you in a position to need to ask aggressively for His help to make sure you do not become casual about how you respond or the fact that you want God to be a part of your life. You will have to put some effort into your relationship with God, and that effort will yield many blessings and increased patience and understanding about some things.

2) Maybe there is not one right way to go. You will (not soon enough) learn about the blog momastary.com that you will fall in love with because Glennon Melton is AMAZING, and she has this to say on the issue:

"Sometimes I get so scared about making THE WRONG LIFE DECISION. Like I’m on that game show- what was it? Where you can risk everything you’ve already won for WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO. And if you do risk it all, there might be a CAR behind door number Two. WOOOT! OR there might be nothing but a big sign that says LOSER! YOU HAVE CHOSEN UNWISELY! YOU HAVE LOST IT ALL! And you must hang your head and leave with nothing and spend the rest of your life wishing you had chosen door number ONE! ONE, dangit!!!! LACES OUT!
That’s how I usually feel about big decisions. Like there is a bit RIGHT answer and a big WRONG answer.
But that’s not right. That’s not how the God I know would work. He would be waiting behind both doors. He will be ready to walk beside me on whatever road I choose.
And then if I decide to change roads, He’d change with me."

(Written in this post, which is a follow up to this one, both of which, like everything she writes, is worth reading, especially everything she writes between February 12, 2013 and February 15, 2013.) 

No matter what you choose, God will be with you. You will make mistakes, but nothing God can't handle (because there is nothing God can't handle), and among all the good that can come from your life experiences, one of the things he wants you to learn is for you to learn how to handle your life when you make a mistake. He also wants you to learn how to hand your life over to him when you make a mistake. So try to put your fears in their place; although you are capable of much, with your sincere desires for good and God on your side, you are not nearly as capable of ruining your life or the lives of others as you think you are.

3) Believe it or not, in time you will see that God is blessing you much more than you realize right now. You are receiving a lot of revelation. It may not seem like much in proportion to the questions you have, but regarding it in isolation from what you would like to know, it is still a very respectable amount of revelation/comfort/aid to be receiving. Give God more gratitude for this, and work to be better at recognizing his constant hand in your life in mysterious ways---that is, ways that are not immediately apparent or straightforward; look for his hand in subtlety and simplicity and in shadows and complexity and in disguise and unfamiliarity.

I have more I could share with you that I want to share with you, but it would exceed the length of any document passing as a letter. In fact, it would probably necessitate a blog. Smile. So I'll end my formal remarks to you by sharing one last thought: the nature of the trial you are in does not come from good. It comes from sin. But as you will be reminded in two days when you receive evidence of a tender mercy in the mail, know that because of God's grace, Good Can Come of Any Thing. It will take you some time to see the good that will come from this trial, and you still aren't at the point where you would choose this trial over most others or be grateful that it has been a part of your life, but you will see a lot of evidence that God has helped make some good come from it in terms of your progress toward being the kind of person he wants you to be and you want to be.

Much, much love,

Victory Will Wait