Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time talking with two friends whose husbands have cheated on them. There are many similarities between what they have experienced emotionally and what I have experienced emotionally in response to H's pornography use. Both of them shared how difficult it has been for them to move forward in their relationships (they are both married still, and have regular ups and downs in their relationships) and forgive their husbands because they both feel (with legitimate reasons) their husbands have never fully disclosed the extent of their infidelity. However, ultimately both have found ways to accept the fact that they don't know the full truth and put continued effort in making their relationships work and forgiving their husbands; they still have times when they are haunted by the probable dishonesty, but this no longer is a constant in their lives. As I listened to them and reflected on my recent conversation with H in which I asked him to be honest with me and he chose not to share with me, I was struck with the impression (which I feel was from God) that I did not need to know the full truth in order to move forward and forgive my husband.
As I have reflected on this since then, I have reasoned that I don't think we will achieve certain levels of trust or intimacy in our relationship until we are willing to share the full truth of our experiences with each other, but I have this strong sense that my ability to progress as an individual and relate to my husband as an individual is not dependent on knowing the truth of all things at this time. If so, why would a loving God (this is a characteristic of God that I do not doubt in the least) capable of revealing the truth of all things (another characteristic of God I do not doubt)withhold them from me? Given many experiences I've had (including the context in which I looked for and discovered H's pornography use), I fully trust God to reveal to me (directly or indirectly) whatever details of the past I truly need to know at a given time to continue on my journey. I think this acceptance of not knowing all right now has to do with my awareness of how hard it is to deal with these things given my many responsibilities as a wife, mother, active member of the church, and friend to many, and the fact that I have many personal weaknesses that I need to address that limit the amount of truth I can handle at any given time.
If you haven't already, please read my previous post, "Secrets." I'd love to know what you think of this post and that one. Thanks!
Also, thank you MM for the post "Imperfect" which really resonated with me in relation to what I'm posting here!
In my experience so far, if I have told God that I want to know and asked several times, usually he does share, the things I haven't expressed a strong desire to know he hasn't ---- if/and/or/but - I haven't found out until after I had walked blindly for a ways first. Like the old Indiana jones movie where he had to step out trusting there was a path over the huge drop- he had to go several steps before he could see the path. Like this last week I have been DYING to know why I can't connect with my husband, and it was 4 days of walking very blindly before it was revealed to me that my husband was in the midst of an addiction cycle - where sex/sexuality would have been feeding the addiction instead of our relationship. Other things I still don't know, but I am still praying to know, and trying to walk the path he has shown me, and after I have a testimony of ---- then he shares the why. I would be happy to share more examples if you want - I have several more very specific ones, but I have commented long enough here :)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
ReplyDeleteI have removed the comment you left on this post because as I interpreted it, your comments were accusatory and demanding. I feel that you assume I am thinking much more simply about the issue than I actually am (one blog post cannot contain all of my thoughts and feelings on the issue) and I do not appreciate you telling me what to do, even if you do have more experience than me with this issue (and since I don't know who you are, I am at the disadvantage of not knowing) and use the word please in your command. If you really think I'm in denial, than I would appreciate you using the comments section to gentle educate me more about that principle rather than labeling me and telling me to change. Even if I'm up to my nose in denial, it's not your job to call me out on it and I am not accountable to you, whoever you are.
I also want to point out that one of the reasons I have, at least temporarily, accepted a lack of some information is because I recognize that I cannot force the truth out of H. I've tried pretty hard in the past to get it, and have had no luck. I have read countless blog posts by women in similar positions who tell about "demanding" that their husbands tell the truth, getting "admissions" and then later down the road learning that they still had not been told the full truth. Right now, that is not a game I want to play. Which is not to say I won't try it at some point, but I would expect anyone who has dealt with a situation like this to recognize the probable futility of demanding the truth from someone with a history of infidelity and dishonesty.
Overall, I felt that your comment lacked compassion and understanding. I do not expect everyone to feel compassion and understanding for me, but if you don't feel this way, please do not leave a comment to that effect. It opens me to negativity that is very hard for me to deal with in a healthy way. I need this blog to be a safe place for me, and if necessary I will moderate comments or block them altogether in order to make is such.
If I have misinterpreted your intent, I apologize.