If you read other blogs along the lines of this one, you'll know that my idea for posting this poem is not original (see here and here), but I have to repost for my benefit (I love it and want to keep it handy) and for the benefit of any readers who do not read these other blogs (or Rudyard Kipling).
IF
By Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop to build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!
Like MM, I'm all for switching some of the words. What if the last line read:
"And---which is more---you'll be a woman, and you'll have won!"
Of course, that last word works well for me given the name of my blog. It's hard for me to even know what to write about this poem because it captures so much of my feelings that I've experienced or that I'm working toward experiencing in this trial, while still being inspiring, which I love. Any thoughts you want to share on this poem?
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Letter to myself
After sharing a letter she wrote to her past self, Scabs issued an invitation to write a letter to ourselves in the past. I'm so glad I did this. I truly wish I could have had this letter to myself the day I found out about H's pornography use. I'm also very excited to share my letter with you.
Victory Will Wait,
It has been 2 years since H left the church, and in less than one month, it will have been 2 years since you discovered H's pornography use. I wish I could go back in time and give you an enveloping hug. It's hard for me to know what to say, even now, because I know at the time you found out, very few things would have brought you comfort. The nature of this trial is one that will always be a concern for you in your mortal relationship with H. What comfort is there in knowing things will get better when for the rest of your life the possibility of things getting worse remains, and the probability of things getting really, really bad is so high? In the last two years I've learned to avoid this thought; perhaps that's unhealthy but I'm not at the point emotionally where focusing on it leads to healthy thoughts or behaviors, so I set it aside. So even as I write this, I resist empathizing with you fully in relation to this truth. Yet, I put it out here as a representation of the fact that I do know what you are experiencing and care deeply for your pain, even though at this particular moment I'm not choosing to engage in it.
Which leads me to something that may bring you hope: you will get stronger. It sounds cheesy and trite, but you will rise from the ashes and as you and the Lord and your therapists and your friends and your zoloft (advice: don't wait until 2012 to start taking this drug!) work to put you back together, you will discard (or at least make less accessible) certain tendencies that bring you unnecessary pain, and certain features that will aid you in your ability to learn, progress, and experience happiness will be added to you or enhanced so that they become a more prominent part of who you are. Really and truly, 2 years from now you will be a better and happier person than you are now.
I know how lonely you feel right now. And for you, lonely is one of the worst emotions to feel, so take it seriously. I realize it will take you time to feel confident in sharing your experience (specifically until November 2012), but I would encourage you to not wait so long to seek out the experiences of others. You're scared that others in similar situations will increase your tendency toward anger and bitterness and inhibit your ability to move forward in your relationships. And you're scared that you'll go looking for support and not find it. What if you are in a truly unique situation and there aren't others to be found? I'm here to tell you that you can dismiss both of these fears: just look at the sidebar of the blog that you will create for proof. (Here's where writing a letter to yourself in the past gets a little humerous, if you ask me!) You also have some "real-life" friends you will be able to connect with and gain support from. There are some pretty awesome women out there dealing with their husband's pornography use, and other similar issues, and their experiences will help you a lot.
Also (and as soon as I started typing this tears came to my eyes) you need to know that you are one of those awesome women dealing with the pornography use of a spouse. Yes, you are. You are doing an amazing job---truly admirable. Your efforts to approach the issue reflect spiritual and personal maturity and wisdom, and the care with which you respond to your husband, despite the co-dependent behaviors laced throughout, are indicative of the true love and respect you feel for him. Two years from now you will be proud of yourself (maybe a little too proud of yourself, but I'm working on that) for the patience and kindness that you have exhibited toward him. I know, patience! What a surprise. That's a really hard one for you, but you're going to get so much better at it.
For most of the next two years you will be in an almost constant state of doubt and confusion about how to proceed in your relationship with H. Most of the time you will feel as if you are dealing with this situation by yourself and wonder why God won't answer your questions and give you more guidance on what to do. You will feel so lost and will spend a lot of time wondering what you should do and worrying that what you do end up doing has been the wrong thing. I have a few things to say about this:
1) I think God is going to put you in a position to need to ask aggressively for His help to make sure you do not become casual about how you respond or the fact that you want God to be a part of your life. You will have to put some effort into your relationship with God, and that effort will yield many blessings and increased patience and understanding about some things.
2) Maybe there is not one right way to go. You will (not soon enough) learn about the blog momastary.com that you will fall in love with because Glennon Melton is AMAZING, and she has this to say on the issue:
"Sometimes I get so scared about making THE WRONG LIFE DECISION. Like I’m on that game show- what was it? Where you can risk everything you’ve already won for WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO. And if you do risk it all, there might be a CAR behind door number Two. WOOOT! OR there might be nothing but a big sign that says LOSER! YOU HAVE CHOSEN UNWISELY! YOU HAVE LOST IT ALL! And you must hang your head and leave with nothing and spend the rest of your life wishing you had chosen door number ONE! ONE, dangit!!!! LACES OUT!
That’s how I usually feel about big decisions. Like there is a bit RIGHT answer and a big WRONG answer.
But that’s not right. That’s not how the God I know would work. He would be waiting behind both doors. He will be ready to walk beside me on whatever road I choose.
And then if I decide to change roads, He’d change with me."
(Written in this post, which is a follow up to this one, both of which, like everything she writes, is worth reading, especially everything she writes between February 12, 2013 and February 15, 2013.)
No matter what you choose, God will be with you. You will make mistakes, but nothing God can't handle (because there is nothing God can't handle), and among all the good that can come from your life experiences, one of the things he wants you to learn is for you to learn how to handle your life when you make a mistake. He also wants you to learn how to hand your life over to him when you make a mistake. So try to put your fears in their place; although you are capable of much, with your sincere desires for good and God on your side, you are not nearly as capable of ruining your life or the lives of others as you think you are.
3) Believe it or not, in time you will see that God is blessing you much more than you realize right now. You are receiving a lot of revelation. It may not seem like much in proportion to the questions you have, but regarding it in isolation from what you would like to know, it is still a very respectable amount of revelation/comfort/aid to be receiving. Give God more gratitude for this, and work to be better at recognizing his constant hand in your life in mysterious ways---that is, ways that are not immediately apparent or straightforward; look for his hand in subtlety and simplicity and in shadows and complexity and in disguise and unfamiliarity.
I have more I could share with you that I want to share with you, but it would exceed the length of any document passing as a letter. In fact, it would probably necessitate a blog. Smile. So I'll end my formal remarks to you by sharing one last thought: the nature of the trial you are in does not come from good. It comes from sin. But as you will be reminded in two days when you receive evidence of a tender mercy in the mail, know that because of God's grace, Good Can Come of Any Thing. It will take you some time to see the good that will come from this trial, and you still aren't at the point where you would choose this trial over most others or be grateful that it has been a part of your life, but you will see a lot of evidence that God has helped make some good come from it in terms of your progress toward being the kind of person he wants you to be and you want to be.
Much, much love,
Victory Will Wait
letter to myself
please deliver March 9, 2011
after you check H's laptop and before your child wakes up from naptime
Victory Will Wait,
It has been 2 years since H left the church, and in less than one month, it will have been 2 years since you discovered H's pornography use. I wish I could go back in time and give you an enveloping hug. It's hard for me to know what to say, even now, because I know at the time you found out, very few things would have brought you comfort. The nature of this trial is one that will always be a concern for you in your mortal relationship with H. What comfort is there in knowing things will get better when for the rest of your life the possibility of things getting worse remains, and the probability of things getting really, really bad is so high? In the last two years I've learned to avoid this thought; perhaps that's unhealthy but I'm not at the point emotionally where focusing on it leads to healthy thoughts or behaviors, so I set it aside. So even as I write this, I resist empathizing with you fully in relation to this truth. Yet, I put it out here as a representation of the fact that I do know what you are experiencing and care deeply for your pain, even though at this particular moment I'm not choosing to engage in it.
Which leads me to something that may bring you hope: you will get stronger. It sounds cheesy and trite, but you will rise from the ashes and as you and the Lord and your therapists and your friends and your zoloft (advice: don't wait until 2012 to start taking this drug!) work to put you back together, you will discard (or at least make less accessible) certain tendencies that bring you unnecessary pain, and certain features that will aid you in your ability to learn, progress, and experience happiness will be added to you or enhanced so that they become a more prominent part of who you are. Really and truly, 2 years from now you will be a better and happier person than you are now.
I know how lonely you feel right now. And for you, lonely is one of the worst emotions to feel, so take it seriously. I realize it will take you time to feel confident in sharing your experience (specifically until November 2012), but I would encourage you to not wait so long to seek out the experiences of others. You're scared that others in similar situations will increase your tendency toward anger and bitterness and inhibit your ability to move forward in your relationships. And you're scared that you'll go looking for support and not find it. What if you are in a truly unique situation and there aren't others to be found? I'm here to tell you that you can dismiss both of these fears: just look at the sidebar of the blog that you will create for proof. (Here's where writing a letter to yourself in the past gets a little humerous, if you ask me!) You also have some "real-life" friends you will be able to connect with and gain support from. There are some pretty awesome women out there dealing with their husband's pornography use, and other similar issues, and their experiences will help you a lot.
Also (and as soon as I started typing this tears came to my eyes) you need to know that you are one of those awesome women dealing with the pornography use of a spouse. Yes, you are. You are doing an amazing job---truly admirable. Your efforts to approach the issue reflect spiritual and personal maturity and wisdom, and the care with which you respond to your husband, despite the co-dependent behaviors laced throughout, are indicative of the true love and respect you feel for him. Two years from now you will be proud of yourself (maybe a little too proud of yourself, but I'm working on that) for the patience and kindness that you have exhibited toward him. I know, patience! What a surprise. That's a really hard one for you, but you're going to get so much better at it.
For most of the next two years you will be in an almost constant state of doubt and confusion about how to proceed in your relationship with H. Most of the time you will feel as if you are dealing with this situation by yourself and wonder why God won't answer your questions and give you more guidance on what to do. You will feel so lost and will spend a lot of time wondering what you should do and worrying that what you do end up doing has been the wrong thing. I have a few things to say about this:
1) I think God is going to put you in a position to need to ask aggressively for His help to make sure you do not become casual about how you respond or the fact that you want God to be a part of your life. You will have to put some effort into your relationship with God, and that effort will yield many blessings and increased patience and understanding about some things.
2) Maybe there is not one right way to go. You will (not soon enough) learn about the blog momastary.com that you will fall in love with because Glennon Melton is AMAZING, and she has this to say on the issue:
"Sometimes I get so scared about making THE WRONG LIFE DECISION. Like I’m on that game show- what was it? Where you can risk everything you’ve already won for WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO. And if you do risk it all, there might be a CAR behind door number Two. WOOOT! OR there might be nothing but a big sign that says LOSER! YOU HAVE CHOSEN UNWISELY! YOU HAVE LOST IT ALL! And you must hang your head and leave with nothing and spend the rest of your life wishing you had chosen door number ONE! ONE, dangit!!!! LACES OUT!
That’s how I usually feel about big decisions. Like there is a bit RIGHT answer and a big WRONG answer.
But that’s not right. That’s not how the God I know would work. He would be waiting behind both doors. He will be ready to walk beside me on whatever road I choose.
And then if I decide to change roads, He’d change with me."
(Written in this post, which is a follow up to this one, both of which, like everything she writes, is worth reading, especially everything she writes between February 12, 2013 and February 15, 2013.)
No matter what you choose, God will be with you. You will make mistakes, but nothing God can't handle (because there is nothing God can't handle), and among all the good that can come from your life experiences, one of the things he wants you to learn is for you to learn how to handle your life when you make a mistake. He also wants you to learn how to hand your life over to him when you make a mistake. So try to put your fears in their place; although you are capable of much, with your sincere desires for good and God on your side, you are not nearly as capable of ruining your life or the lives of others as you think you are.
3) Believe it or not, in time you will see that God is blessing you much more than you realize right now. You are receiving a lot of revelation. It may not seem like much in proportion to the questions you have, but regarding it in isolation from what you would like to know, it is still a very respectable amount of revelation/comfort/aid to be receiving. Give God more gratitude for this, and work to be better at recognizing his constant hand in your life in mysterious ways---that is, ways that are not immediately apparent or straightforward; look for his hand in subtlety and simplicity and in shadows and complexity and in disguise and unfamiliarity.
I have more I could share with you that I want to share with you, but it would exceed the length of any document passing as a letter. In fact, it would probably necessitate a blog. Smile. So I'll end my formal remarks to you by sharing one last thought: the nature of the trial you are in does not come from good. It comes from sin. But as you will be reminded in two days when you receive evidence of a tender mercy in the mail, know that because of God's grace, Good Can Come of Any Thing. It will take you some time to see the good that will come from this trial, and you still aren't at the point where you would choose this trial over most others or be grateful that it has been a part of your life, but you will see a lot of evidence that God has helped make some good come from it in terms of your progress toward being the kind of person he wants you to be and you want to be.
Much, much love,
Victory Will Wait
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
FYI, Commenters
I hate having to do this, but I feel it is an important thing to do in order to set boundaries that make me feel emotionally safe. I will still allow, for now, anonymous comments on my blog, but I want to make you aware that I will delete any comments I deem to be innapropriate in any way. I received a comment on a recent post that I did not appreciate, and if I continue to receive similar comments, I may moderate comments or even disallow them altogether, which I would hate to do because I appreciate all but one comment that has been made on my blog up to this point.
I made a response to the commenter on the relevant post, but I also want to share a few general comments here to let you know what type of comments I would and would not appreciate.
1) Please remember that even a very long blog post will never contain all my thoughts on an issue, and while I appreciate anything you may have to add to my perspective, please do not assume that you know more about my situation than you really do. If you're wondering something, feel free to ask me a question in a non-accusatory way.
2) Don't tell me what to do. Suggestions and advice are fine (especially if I've asked a question), but please word them as such. Writing something as a command, particularly when it involves labeling me with a negative behavior, is not something I will tolerate in the comments section of my blog.
3) Be respectful of my relationship with God. It may differ from yours; you may be completely areligious. Fine. But I take my relationship with God seriously and any reference to my God on this blog should be made with respect, even if it is not made with your personal belief.
4) Avoid short, simplistic explanations of people's motives for complex behavior. Any behavior often relates to many factors. Pornography use is based on a lot of factors. If there was one discrete solution to pornography use that was in the hands of the spouse of the user (as a comment someone made suggested) there would be a lot less blogs like this by wives like me. Please realize that comments in which you tell me I am empowered to do something to fully eradicate my husband's pornography use suggests that I am, to some extent, to blame for it. If you believe this, I recommend a 12-step program for loved ones of addicts. I'm not far in myself, but I've learned enough to know that this is not true.
5) If you do not feel generally positive toward me in any way after reading something I write, I would suggest you not leave a comment. I do not expect you to agree with me on everything, or empathize with what I'm going through, or even understand it all. But if you think I'm making choices that reflect bad qualities on my part, that will likely be reflected in the comment you made, and that type of comment will not be helpful to me. If you care about me and recognize areas in which I can improve, even if you give me suggestions for change, the care you feel will likely be reflected in your writing and be a much more powerful source of influence on me than your derision.
I made a response to the commenter on the relevant post, but I also want to share a few general comments here to let you know what type of comments I would and would not appreciate.
1) Please remember that even a very long blog post will never contain all my thoughts on an issue, and while I appreciate anything you may have to add to my perspective, please do not assume that you know more about my situation than you really do. If you're wondering something, feel free to ask me a question in a non-accusatory way.
2) Don't tell me what to do. Suggestions and advice are fine (especially if I've asked a question), but please word them as such. Writing something as a command, particularly when it involves labeling me with a negative behavior, is not something I will tolerate in the comments section of my blog.
3) Be respectful of my relationship with God. It may differ from yours; you may be completely areligious. Fine. But I take my relationship with God seriously and any reference to my God on this blog should be made with respect, even if it is not made with your personal belief.
4) Avoid short, simplistic explanations of people's motives for complex behavior. Any behavior often relates to many factors. Pornography use is based on a lot of factors. If there was one discrete solution to pornography use that was in the hands of the spouse of the user (as a comment someone made suggested) there would be a lot less blogs like this by wives like me. Please realize that comments in which you tell me I am empowered to do something to fully eradicate my husband's pornography use suggests that I am, to some extent, to blame for it. If you believe this, I recommend a 12-step program for loved ones of addicts. I'm not far in myself, but I've learned enough to know that this is not true.
5) If you do not feel generally positive toward me in any way after reading something I write, I would suggest you not leave a comment. I do not expect you to agree with me on everything, or empathize with what I'm going through, or even understand it all. But if you think I'm making choices that reflect bad qualities on my part, that will likely be reflected in the comment you made, and that type of comment will not be helpful to me. If you care about me and recognize areas in which I can improve, even if you give me suggestions for change, the care you feel will likely be reflected in your writing and be a much more powerful source of influence on me than your derision.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Moving forward
Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend some time talking with two friends whose husbands have cheated on them. There are many similarities between what they have experienced emotionally and what I have experienced emotionally in response to H's pornography use. Both of them shared how difficult it has been for them to move forward in their relationships (they are both married still, and have regular ups and downs in their relationships) and forgive their husbands because they both feel (with legitimate reasons) their husbands have never fully disclosed the extent of their infidelity. However, ultimately both have found ways to accept the fact that they don't know the full truth and put continued effort in making their relationships work and forgiving their husbands; they still have times when they are haunted by the probable dishonesty, but this no longer is a constant in their lives. As I listened to them and reflected on my recent conversation with H in which I asked him to be honest with me and he chose not to share with me, I was struck with the impression (which I feel was from God) that I did not need to know the full truth in order to move forward and forgive my husband.
As I have reflected on this since then, I have reasoned that I don't think we will achieve certain levels of trust or intimacy in our relationship until we are willing to share the full truth of our experiences with each other, but I have this strong sense that my ability to progress as an individual and relate to my husband as an individual is not dependent on knowing the truth of all things at this time. If so, why would a loving God (this is a characteristic of God that I do not doubt in the least) capable of revealing the truth of all things (another characteristic of God I do not doubt)withhold them from me? Given many experiences I've had (including the context in which I looked for and discovered H's pornography use), I fully trust God to reveal to me (directly or indirectly) whatever details of the past I truly need to know at a given time to continue on my journey. I think this acceptance of not knowing all right now has to do with my awareness of how hard it is to deal with these things given my many responsibilities as a wife, mother, active member of the church, and friend to many, and the fact that I have many personal weaknesses that I need to address that limit the amount of truth I can handle at any given time.
If you haven't already, please read my previous post, "Secrets." I'd love to know what you think of this post and that one. Thanks!
Also, thank you MM for the post "Imperfect" which really resonated with me in relation to what I'm posting here!
As I have reflected on this since then, I have reasoned that I don't think we will achieve certain levels of trust or intimacy in our relationship until we are willing to share the full truth of our experiences with each other, but I have this strong sense that my ability to progress as an individual and relate to my husband as an individual is not dependent on knowing the truth of all things at this time. If so, why would a loving God (this is a characteristic of God that I do not doubt in the least) capable of revealing the truth of all things (another characteristic of God I do not doubt)withhold them from me? Given many experiences I've had (including the context in which I looked for and discovered H's pornography use), I fully trust God to reveal to me (directly or indirectly) whatever details of the past I truly need to know at a given time to continue on my journey. I think this acceptance of not knowing all right now has to do with my awareness of how hard it is to deal with these things given my many responsibilities as a wife, mother, active member of the church, and friend to many, and the fact that I have many personal weaknesses that I need to address that limit the amount of truth I can handle at any given time.
If you haven't already, please read my previous post, "Secrets." I'd love to know what you think of this post and that one. Thanks!
Also, thank you MM for the post "Imperfect" which really resonated with me in relation to what I'm posting here!
Secrets
I have a question for those of you who blog about your experience with your husband's pornography use (or even just confide in others in some way for support): does your husband know you do this? And if so, does he know where to find your blog and read it? (Or does he know who you talk with about his pornography use/your healing?) How has this come about? Has he known all along or did you wait until a certain point to tell him?
As far as I know, H knows nothing about this blog. I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't surprise him that I keep a blog like this (he knows that writing and social support are very important to me), and maybe he's even guessed as much, but I purposely have not discussed it with him yet. (Although if he ever roamed freely on my computer, it would be easy enough for him to stumble across my blog, which part of me is paranoid about and part of me is perfectly fine with.) There are other similar matters I have not discussed with him: he knows indirectly that a few people know about the pornography use, but we've never discussed who knows, plus there are lots of things about my experience that I haven't told H. In some ways this issue of secrecy (privacy?) is complicated by the fact that he has not been active in the church since 6 weeks before I found out about the pornography; since then I have had many personal spiritual experiences that I have not shared, or shared in much depth, with H for a variety of pretty legitimate reasons. Also, I feel like (and this is probably totally unhealthy) that I shouldn't have to feel guilty about not telling him some things about my experience related to his pornography use if he isn't even at a point where he can be open/honest with me about his experience. To me, that is just a basic element of equality (for lack of a better word; it's 5 am, friends) in our relationship; I don't think one-sided full disclosure in a relationship is super safe or makes much sense in many situations. Thoughts?
BUT, I am not at total ease with this situation. I expect (and hope) that it is temporary, even if temporary still means for a really long time. I had a conversation on this issue with the counselor I was seeing right after all this came out and he threw out the phrase "We are as sick as our secrets." (This was said in relation to something specific that my husband doesn't know; I had not started this blog yet.) Thanks, buddy. I really needed that. Arrgh. I mean, I totally get it. But given the particular dysfunction in our relationship, I have had some negative experiences with opening up to my husband. Plus, I'm not sure that it would be good for him to know everything about my healing experience now, as I'm experiencing it. I need a safe zone where I can meet my emotional needs without worrying about hurting him or complicating his experience. Right? Right????????
As far as I know, H knows nothing about this blog. I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't surprise him that I keep a blog like this (he knows that writing and social support are very important to me), and maybe he's even guessed as much, but I purposely have not discussed it with him yet. (Although if he ever roamed freely on my computer, it would be easy enough for him to stumble across my blog, which part of me is paranoid about and part of me is perfectly fine with.) There are other similar matters I have not discussed with him: he knows indirectly that a few people know about the pornography use, but we've never discussed who knows, plus there are lots of things about my experience that I haven't told H. In some ways this issue of secrecy (privacy?) is complicated by the fact that he has not been active in the church since 6 weeks before I found out about the pornography; since then I have had many personal spiritual experiences that I have not shared, or shared in much depth, with H for a variety of pretty legitimate reasons. Also, I feel like (and this is probably totally unhealthy) that I shouldn't have to feel guilty about not telling him some things about my experience related to his pornography use if he isn't even at a point where he can be open/honest with me about his experience. To me, that is just a basic element of equality (for lack of a better word; it's 5 am, friends) in our relationship; I don't think one-sided full disclosure in a relationship is super safe or makes much sense in many situations. Thoughts?
BUT, I am not at total ease with this situation. I expect (and hope) that it is temporary, even if temporary still means for a really long time. I had a conversation on this issue with the counselor I was seeing right after all this came out and he threw out the phrase "We are as sick as our secrets." (This was said in relation to something specific that my husband doesn't know; I had not started this blog yet.) Thanks, buddy. I really needed that. Arrgh. I mean, I totally get it. But given the particular dysfunction in our relationship, I have had some negative experiences with opening up to my husband. Plus, I'm not sure that it would be good for him to know everything about my healing experience now, as I'm experiencing it. I need a safe zone where I can meet my emotional needs without worrying about hurting him or complicating his experience. Right? Right????????
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Post-talk (last week)
I knew from experience that H would not be himself after our big talk on Sunday for about three days. I'm glad I'm able to anticipate this now, because it helps me deal with it better. With that said, I was surprised at the extent H withdrew and exhibited depressed behavior. It affected his interactions, more specifically the lack thereof, with me and our children more than ever before. So on Tuesday when I did not see any improvement, and maybe even some worsening, I started experiencing some feelings of frustration.
With that said, I really want to share how well I have been doing overall in responding to H's depression. I still don't know everything there is to know about co-dependence, but it is so obvious to me that I am so much less co-dependent on him than in the past, and it feels SO GOOD. The difference is just so stark. In the past when he has withdrawn in depression I have experienced a lot of anxiety that manifests itself in a lot of approach behaviors on my part that never, ever help. It's usually hard for me to relax and enjoy life. But ever since we got home and he's been so depressed, for the grad majority of the time I truly feel fine. Periodically, in my head I've had thoughts of frustration or anxiety (as opposed to care and concern, which is more the norm right now) for H, but overall my heart has stayed happy and calm. I'm pretty sure this is detachment, and I love it! I credit the following for this detachment:
Of course I had been praying during the week to know how to proceed in interactions with my husband. At times, especially as we passed the 72-hour mark and H was still incredibly withdrawn and depressed, I wondered if I should initiate another conversation and be more demanding in asking for information or enforcing certain standards of behavior in our home. Should I try pushing H to seek professional help for his depression? I was hesitant to do these things for a variety of reasons, and the short and simple guidance I got from God confirmed this hesitancy.
For instance, on Wednesday afternoon (I think?) when my children were down for nap/quiet time, I was able to resist the opportunity to take a nap and wanted to use my time doing something for me. I almost finished watching this presentation I had found on this site (I need to spend more time here) linked from this post on a blog that I love. Focusing on empathy was what I needed, as evidenced by the fact that as I watched the presentation, I still struggled to feel full empathy for H. But by the evening when I did finish watching the presentation, enough room had been made in my heart for H that I felt the desire (not obligation) to go downstairs and cuddle with him. No big changes happened because of this, but he did accept the offer to cuddle, which I very much appreciated after having had almost no verbal or physical interaction with him since Sunday.
Something else important happened for me that night. Earlier in the week I had bought a frozen lasagna to make for H to use for lunches and post-dinner snacks (I eat like a hippie most of the time, and I try to respect H's non-hippie ways by supplementing our family diet with more standard American fare). On Wednesday, in addition to acting depressed, H also seemed like he might be sick: achy and cold (although this could be from the depression too, I think). When he doesn't feel well physically he often gets very hungry, so I offered to make him the lasagna to help fill him up and warm him up. Of course, frozen lasagnas take about 2 hours to cook, but we knew he'd still be up late to eat some even if I wasn't. I went on with my evening and after preparing to go to sleep, I knelt by my bed and said a prayer. I asked the Lord for guidance to know how to help my husband, and I paused momentarily, hoping for some grand response. Can you believe what came to mind? One word: lasagna. I looked at the clock and realized that the lasagna would be done soon and went downstairs to check the timer and remind H to pull it out of the oven when it was done since I would be in bed.
I was amazed to see there was just one minute left on the timer. This meant my cold, tired, hungry husband was able to stay huddled on the couch under his blanket while I served him hot lasagna. This was a small and simple act of service, but I believe that it was meaningful for both my husband and me. The big take-away for me was that the Lord wanted me to put my efforts toward serving and expressing care and love for H rather than punishing him for feeling depressed.
On Thursday night I left the house for a few hours and H had to put the kids to bed himself, which would be a little challenging for him any night (he normally helps put just one child to bed as part of our routine), but especially hard given his physical and emotional state. In the past I might have decided to stay home, in fact I was tempted to, but he supported me going and with this permission, I left. I'm glad for my sake that I left---the things I did that night were important to my self-care. But when I came home H was literally breaking down. Things did not go as well with the kids after bedtime as usual (the baby always often seems to have her rare hard nights when I'm not there) and he could not handle it.
Up until 6 months to 1 year ago in a situation like this I would have pushed him to talk about what happened and his feelings, felt immensely guilty for leaving (and vowed to myself and maybe even him that I would not let such a situation happen again; i.e., no going out at night), and been incredibly anxious until his mood resolved. Now that I am in an emotional spot where I'm not as dependent on H, I was able to respond very differently and after asking him if he wanted to talk (no), simply sat with him in silence until he fell asleep.
Things have also changed because I can now view that emotional event for him as a positive catalyst. The next day he welcomed physical contact, and by evening, after the kids were in bed, he asked for it and to my surprise and elation, opened up to me about his feelings and told me that he was ready to seek professional help for his depression.
Cue Hallelujah chorus, please!
For two years (even more, really) I have wished/hoped/prayed that he would be open to receiving professional help, and now he is! I feel strongly that in order to respect H's privacy, I should not share specific details about his journey to deal with his depression. I was hesitant about doing so in the first place, but after reading this post this week, I knew that for me and my marriage, I should not (If you don't read Glennon Melton's blog momastary.com, I highly recommend it. All of her posts this week have been so personally meaningful to me). It's enough (I also have written on this theme in the past on my non-anonymous blog) to say that he is seeking professional help in a variety of ways right now, and I'm so proud of him because it takes a lot of persistence and energy to fight depression and he's doing a commendable job.
As you might have guessed, we haven't talked about pornography or related issues since the big talk, and for now I am at peace with that. My husband has some pressing emotional needs that need to be addressed before that becomes a priority. But I am encouraged because the door to discussion has been opened (I also have written about this theme on my non-anon blog) and I am hopeful that as he addresses his depression, his ability to have open and healthy conversations on this topic will increase.
Ok, now that I am caught up on this huge issue, I hope to be able to respond to your comments and post on other more general topics that have been on my mind soon!
With that said, I really want to share how well I have been doing overall in responding to H's depression. I still don't know everything there is to know about co-dependence, but it is so obvious to me that I am so much less co-dependent on him than in the past, and it feels SO GOOD. The difference is just so stark. In the past when he has withdrawn in depression I have experienced a lot of anxiety that manifests itself in a lot of approach behaviors on my part that never, ever help. It's usually hard for me to relax and enjoy life. But ever since we got home and he's been so depressed, for the grad majority of the time I truly feel fine. Periodically, in my head I've had thoughts of frustration or anxiety (as opposed to care and concern, which is more the norm right now) for H, but overall my heart has stayed happy and calm. I'm pretty sure this is detachment, and I love it! I credit the following for this detachment:
- The Lord blessing me in my ability to respond appropriately to H.
- The 50 mg of sertraline (generic Zoloft) I take every morning.
- The fact that for the 18 months that I basically did not address any pornography related issues with my husband I focused on taking good care of myself and finding and making my own happiness.
- The fact that I have so many good friends that help fill the needs for support and interaction that my husband can't. A few know about the pornography and being able to talk with them is so helpful, but most have no idea and just having people I can enjoy spending time with is really important to my well-being and ability to not need my husband to be everything to me. (I need to write a post about this sometime because it can be hard to feel like H is my #1 when our interaction is limited in some important ways.)
Of course I had been praying during the week to know how to proceed in interactions with my husband. At times, especially as we passed the 72-hour mark and H was still incredibly withdrawn and depressed, I wondered if I should initiate another conversation and be more demanding in asking for information or enforcing certain standards of behavior in our home. Should I try pushing H to seek professional help for his depression? I was hesitant to do these things for a variety of reasons, and the short and simple guidance I got from God confirmed this hesitancy.
For instance, on Wednesday afternoon (I think?) when my children were down for nap/quiet time, I was able to resist the opportunity to take a nap and wanted to use my time doing something for me. I almost finished watching this presentation I had found on this site (I need to spend more time here) linked from this post on a blog that I love. Focusing on empathy was what I needed, as evidenced by the fact that as I watched the presentation, I still struggled to feel full empathy for H. But by the evening when I did finish watching the presentation, enough room had been made in my heart for H that I felt the desire (not obligation) to go downstairs and cuddle with him. No big changes happened because of this, but he did accept the offer to cuddle, which I very much appreciated after having had almost no verbal or physical interaction with him since Sunday.
Something else important happened for me that night. Earlier in the week I had bought a frozen lasagna to make for H to use for lunches and post-dinner snacks (I eat like a hippie most of the time, and I try to respect H's non-hippie ways by supplementing our family diet with more standard American fare). On Wednesday, in addition to acting depressed, H also seemed like he might be sick: achy and cold (although this could be from the depression too, I think). When he doesn't feel well physically he often gets very hungry, so I offered to make him the lasagna to help fill him up and warm him up. Of course, frozen lasagnas take about 2 hours to cook, but we knew he'd still be up late to eat some even if I wasn't. I went on with my evening and after preparing to go to sleep, I knelt by my bed and said a prayer. I asked the Lord for guidance to know how to help my husband, and I paused momentarily, hoping for some grand response. Can you believe what came to mind? One word: lasagna. I looked at the clock and realized that the lasagna would be done soon and went downstairs to check the timer and remind H to pull it out of the oven when it was done since I would be in bed.
I was amazed to see there was just one minute left on the timer. This meant my cold, tired, hungry husband was able to stay huddled on the couch under his blanket while I served him hot lasagna. This was a small and simple act of service, but I believe that it was meaningful for both my husband and me. The big take-away for me was that the Lord wanted me to put my efforts toward serving and expressing care and love for H rather than punishing him for feeling depressed.
On Thursday night I left the house for a few hours and H had to put the kids to bed himself, which would be a little challenging for him any night (he normally helps put just one child to bed as part of our routine), but especially hard given his physical and emotional state. In the past I might have decided to stay home, in fact I was tempted to, but he supported me going and with this permission, I left. I'm glad for my sake that I left---the things I did that night were important to my self-care. But when I came home H was literally breaking down. Things did not go as well with the kids after bedtime as usual (the baby always often seems to have her rare hard nights when I'm not there) and he could not handle it.
Up until 6 months to 1 year ago in a situation like this I would have pushed him to talk about what happened and his feelings, felt immensely guilty for leaving (and vowed to myself and maybe even him that I would not let such a situation happen again; i.e., no going out at night), and been incredibly anxious until his mood resolved. Now that I am in an emotional spot where I'm not as dependent on H, I was able to respond very differently and after asking him if he wanted to talk (no), simply sat with him in silence until he fell asleep.
Things have also changed because I can now view that emotional event for him as a positive catalyst. The next day he welcomed physical contact, and by evening, after the kids were in bed, he asked for it and to my surprise and elation, opened up to me about his feelings and told me that he was ready to seek professional help for his depression.
Cue Hallelujah chorus, please!
For two years (even more, really) I have wished/hoped/prayed that he would be open to receiving professional help, and now he is! I feel strongly that in order to respect H's privacy, I should not share specific details about his journey to deal with his depression. I was hesitant about doing so in the first place, but after reading this post this week, I knew that for me and my marriage, I should not (If you don't read Glennon Melton's blog momastary.com, I highly recommend it. All of her posts this week have been so personally meaningful to me). It's enough (I also have written on this theme in the past on my non-anonymous blog) to say that he is seeking professional help in a variety of ways right now, and I'm so proud of him because it takes a lot of persistence and energy to fight depression and he's doing a commendable job.
As you might have guessed, we haven't talked about pornography or related issues since the big talk, and for now I am at peace with that. My husband has some pressing emotional needs that need to be addressed before that becomes a priority. But I am encouraged because the door to discussion has been opened (I also have written about this theme on my non-anon blog) and I am hopeful that as he addresses his depression, his ability to have open and healthy conversations on this topic will increase.
Ok, now that I am caught up on this huge issue, I hope to be able to respond to your comments and post on other more general topics that have been on my mind soon!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The talk
I'm trying to catch up with some past events in order to get to
the point where it will make sense to explain where I'm at now. You
probably should read my previous post before you read this one.
After our children were in bed, we sat on the couch together and talked. I give H credit for starting the conversation and doing a thorough job of addressing the primary concern I had brought up in my previous "conversation" (really I was the only one who said anything, so I guess I should call this a monologue, haha): his ability to access the internet at school and his remote connection to his school computer from home (which I am supportive of him maintaining since it allows him to work from home and thereby be home a lot more). Overall I was comfortable with what he said about the issue, claiming that it was not an issue for pornography use. I realized, of course, he could be lying, but I did not feel it was the time to push the issue (as in check things out myself, which would require his help), and I didn't really want to. It was more important to me to take this rare and valuable opportunity of H being willing to talk to push him to address other issues. I came out and asked him (I had let him know previously I was interested in this information) if (looking back I really wish I had used the word "when" instead) he had viewed pornography since we last talked about a year and a half ago and if it was his intention to not view it.
And here is where his communication absolutely stalled out. Remembering H's need to take his time executing responses, I was very patient. Every five minutes or so I would gently insert a remark to the effect that I was not going to demand a response (I feel so strongly about this), that it was easy for me to imagine that he had and that I was ok hearing that answer if it was the case, and reminding him that I would rather have no response than a lie (this is very true for me). In response to these remarks he usually would say, in an emotional voice, that he was frustrated because he didn't want to wait to tell me but he didn't want to talk about it now either. He also said it was particularly frustrating because what he had to tell me wasn't even that bad. At hearing this I responded that it would be particularly helpful for me to know now since in preparation for our talk I had mentally composed a list of the worst possible things he could tell me (I didn't mention them specifically to him and I won't to you---I'm sure we can all imagine them ourselves), so if what he had to tell me wasn't so bad it would be a relief to me to hear it (this is very true for me as well; I don't think the things I imagined are real issues, but it sure would be nice to have his assurance that they aren't).
One hour after we had begun talking, most of which consisted of me punctuating his silence, we officially closed the conversation. Part of me was disappointed that I didn't come away with more. All this build up for that? But overall, I really was pleased just that we had the talk at all and I feel there are some things about it to be pleased about:
After our children were in bed, we sat on the couch together and talked. I give H credit for starting the conversation and doing a thorough job of addressing the primary concern I had brought up in my previous "conversation" (really I was the only one who said anything, so I guess I should call this a monologue, haha): his ability to access the internet at school and his remote connection to his school computer from home (which I am supportive of him maintaining since it allows him to work from home and thereby be home a lot more). Overall I was comfortable with what he said about the issue, claiming that it was not an issue for pornography use. I realized, of course, he could be lying, but I did not feel it was the time to push the issue (as in check things out myself, which would require his help), and I didn't really want to. It was more important to me to take this rare and valuable opportunity of H being willing to talk to push him to address other issues. I came out and asked him (I had let him know previously I was interested in this information) if (looking back I really wish I had used the word "when" instead) he had viewed pornography since we last talked about a year and a half ago and if it was his intention to not view it.
And here is where his communication absolutely stalled out. Remembering H's need to take his time executing responses, I was very patient. Every five minutes or so I would gently insert a remark to the effect that I was not going to demand a response (I feel so strongly about this), that it was easy for me to imagine that he had and that I was ok hearing that answer if it was the case, and reminding him that I would rather have no response than a lie (this is very true for me). In response to these remarks he usually would say, in an emotional voice, that he was frustrated because he didn't want to wait to tell me but he didn't want to talk about it now either. He also said it was particularly frustrating because what he had to tell me wasn't even that bad. At hearing this I responded that it would be particularly helpful for me to know now since in preparation for our talk I had mentally composed a list of the worst possible things he could tell me (I didn't mention them specifically to him and I won't to you---I'm sure we can all imagine them ourselves), so if what he had to tell me wasn't so bad it would be a relief to me to hear it (this is very true for me as well; I don't think the things I imagined are real issues, but it sure would be nice to have his assurance that they aren't).
One hour after we had begun talking, most of which consisted of me punctuating his silence, we officially closed the conversation. Part of me was disappointed that I didn't come away with more. All this build up for that? But overall, I really was pleased just that we had the talk at all and I feel there are some things about it to be pleased about:
- We are capable of having a discussion without me getting so emotional that it distracts from our ability to communicate.
- H knows a little bit more about how I feel on some issues.
- H passed up an opportunity to lie to me. This reassures me that he really does respect me and wants to avoid doing things that would hurt me. I treasure this. This knowledge alone makes all the build up worth it to me.
- I feel much more comfortable with the idea of initiating conversations in the future. This feeling also helps make all the more negative aspects worth it.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
In the interim
I'm trying to catch up with some past events in order to get to
the point where it will make sense to explain where I'm at now. You
probably should read my previous post before you read this one.
Also, I do plan on responding to your comments and would right now, but my kids are waking up so my chance for doing so today is gone. I really will get to them though.
On Sunday morning we were up and out of the house right away for our day-long drive to our out-of-town-for-three-weeks destination (a work-related trip for my husband and a visit family and friends trip for my children and me). Everything went smoothly and I felt great. I was still so glad I had talked to my husband (H) the night before (really excited and proud of myself still, actually) and I felt at ease about determining in the car when we would talk and waiting patiently until then.
I mentally approached the car ride knowing that there was a good chance I would have to bring up the topic of choosing a time for our conversation to be, and this was good, because I did. After a few minutes though, we determined we would wait until after our trip to talk (during our trip we would be sharing a hotel room with our children and therefore not have any privacy), and that we would determine the timing of that talk on our car ride home. Part of me was a little disappointed we didn't have a firm date, but overall I still felt so good about everything and just looked forward to setting the date on our trip home.
Fast forward through a very logistically difficult and overall quite stressful three weeks (for the entire family, but especially my husband due to additional work stress) to our day-long drive home. Again, part of me had hoped that H would bring up the topic of our discussion, but when we were more than half way home and he hadn't, I wasn't surprised and knew that I needed to bring it up. When I asked him if he had thought of a time for us to talk, he replied, "I don't know," and then was silent. For several minutes. Which is not unusual for H. He is an introvert and really struggles to express himself any time he's feeling any emotion, so I've learned to wait patiently for him to formulate responses in sensitive conversations. But I've also learned that sometimes he withdraws completely from a conversation, and I could wait until the end of my life and never here him respond to something without further prodding. So after a few minutes I asked again and got the same response and the same resulting silence. I decided to give it more time. After at least 20 minutes (I kid you not) of total silence in our car (our children were sleeping) I asked him one more time and when he gave me the same response plus a little hemming and hawing about not wanting to talk but not wanting to wait to talk I suggested we talk Sunday night and he hesitantly agreed.
For the rest of the ride he was subdued, to say the least, but I chalked it up to traveling fatigue. When we arrived home H had less gas left in his tank than our car did, and hit the sack almost immediately after the kids were down. I knew he wasn't doing well, but attributed it to the long day in the car and the need to turn-off after a very demanding three weeks.
The next morning (the first Sunday in February) I started fasting with the purpose of preparing for my discussion with H. Because I recently weaned my youngest child, this was actually the first time I've fasted in over a year and a half. This child actually was weaned a few months younger than my previous child was, and a little sooner than I anticipated/originally wanted, but I see it as a tender mercy that I had the ability to fast in preparation for this discussion. I would also like to share that while out of town, I received a Priesthood blessing by someone close to me who knows about my situation and was told that in relation to my discussion with H I would be blessed to know a direct path for our family to proceed in.
I assumed that when H woke up Sunday morning he would be himself, having recooperated from the day before in his sleep. But this was not the case. Even after a long nap and an entire day to rest and lounge (he is not active in the church, so he gets extra downtime every Sunday) his behavior had not improved. There was a small part of me that almost gave serious thought to the option of postponing the talk. And if this scenario had arisen more than a few weeks ago, I might have. But I knew there would never be a good time to talk and I felt confident in holding us accountable for having the discussion at the time we had appointed.
Also, I do plan on responding to your comments and would right now, but my kids are waking up so my chance for doing so today is gone. I really will get to them though.
On Sunday morning we were up and out of the house right away for our day-long drive to our out-of-town-for-three-weeks destination (a work-related trip for my husband and a visit family and friends trip for my children and me). Everything went smoothly and I felt great. I was still so glad I had talked to my husband (H) the night before (really excited and proud of myself still, actually) and I felt at ease about determining in the car when we would talk and waiting patiently until then.
I mentally approached the car ride knowing that there was a good chance I would have to bring up the topic of choosing a time for our conversation to be, and this was good, because I did. After a few minutes though, we determined we would wait until after our trip to talk (during our trip we would be sharing a hotel room with our children and therefore not have any privacy), and that we would determine the timing of that talk on our car ride home. Part of me was a little disappointed we didn't have a firm date, but overall I still felt so good about everything and just looked forward to setting the date on our trip home.
Fast forward through a very logistically difficult and overall quite stressful three weeks (for the entire family, but especially my husband due to additional work stress) to our day-long drive home. Again, part of me had hoped that H would bring up the topic of our discussion, but when we were more than half way home and he hadn't, I wasn't surprised and knew that I needed to bring it up. When I asked him if he had thought of a time for us to talk, he replied, "I don't know," and then was silent. For several minutes. Which is not unusual for H. He is an introvert and really struggles to express himself any time he's feeling any emotion, so I've learned to wait patiently for him to formulate responses in sensitive conversations. But I've also learned that sometimes he withdraws completely from a conversation, and I could wait until the end of my life and never here him respond to something without further prodding. So after a few minutes I asked again and got the same response and the same resulting silence. I decided to give it more time. After at least 20 minutes (I kid you not) of total silence in our car (our children were sleeping) I asked him one more time and when he gave me the same response plus a little hemming and hawing about not wanting to talk but not wanting to wait to talk I suggested we talk Sunday night and he hesitantly agreed.
For the rest of the ride he was subdued, to say the least, but I chalked it up to traveling fatigue. When we arrived home H had less gas left in his tank than our car did, and hit the sack almost immediately after the kids were down. I knew he wasn't doing well, but attributed it to the long day in the car and the need to turn-off after a very demanding three weeks.
The next morning (the first Sunday in February) I started fasting with the purpose of preparing for my discussion with H. Because I recently weaned my youngest child, this was actually the first time I've fasted in over a year and a half. This child actually was weaned a few months younger than my previous child was, and a little sooner than I anticipated/originally wanted, but I see it as a tender mercy that I had the ability to fast in preparation for this discussion. I would also like to share that while out of town, I received a Priesthood blessing by someone close to me who knows about my situation and was told that in relation to my discussion with H I would be blessed to know a direct path for our family to proceed in.
I assumed that when H woke up Sunday morning he would be himself, having recooperated from the day before in his sleep. But this was not the case. Even after a long nap and an entire day to rest and lounge (he is not active in the church, so he gets extra downtime every Sunday) his behavior had not improved. There was a small part of me that almost gave serious thought to the option of postponing the talk. And if this scenario had arisen more than a few weeks ago, I might have. But I knew there would never be a good time to talk and I felt confident in holding us accountable for having the discussion at the time we had appointed.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Never a good time
This post was written about three weeks ago. My husband I have been in very different places emotionally in the last week, which I want to write about, but in order to do so, I need to publish this post first. I would have published it sooner, but I was out of town and staying somewhere with a bad internet connection.
For a
long time I have been trapped by the concept that there is no good time to sit
down and have a talk with my husband about his pornography use; for about 18
months in fact. While in some ways it has given me a needed reprieve and time
to focus on taking care of myself and learn to have my happiness be independent
of his behavior, it has also been extremely difficult in many ways. Especially
in the last few months when I have received increasing impressions to talk with
my husband. After my recent short but successful talk with my husband I didn’t
know where to go next. My therapist gave me some good general advice about how
to not go about things based on what she knows about our relationship, but I
wasn’t getting specific guidance from God with anything. Of course, I have to,
and hate to, admit that in the last 6 weeks-ish my relationship with God
through prayer, scripture, and journaling (ever since Elder Eyering’s talk in
2007 I’ve been keeping a daily journal that includes at least one statement of
how I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in my life) has not been as strong as it should
be. I’m really struggling to spend the time in these activities that I should
be and want to be. I’d love to blame the Christmas season, but the irony there
is pretty condemning. We actually had a really great Christmas season as a
family. So nice that of course, it just didn’t seem like a good time to bring
up serious issues with my husband.
But, in
the weeks before and after Christmas, I started noticing my husband engaging in
certain behaviors that in the past have been strongly associated with his
pornography use. Not every single day, but more often than in the past, and picking
up speed. As I took note of these behaviors over the course of weeks, I began
to accumulate traces of anxiety. Not nearly as much as I would have in the
past; thanks to my therapist, Zoloft, and an otherwise stable life at the
moment I’m currently in a position of strength (I’ll take it as long as I can
get it!). But still building. And then, last weekend, it reached critical mass:
over the course of 24 hours there were a few more behaviors/interactions with
my husband that were much more serious triggers to me. Although as I think
back, I credit myself (in other areas of my life I am trying to become the kind
of person that seeks less personal credit, but in this arena, I’m all for
giving myself all the credit I deserve; I don’t have to explain myself there,
right?) for being triggered by relatively small things (I see it as a positive
sign that I am sensitive to signals that something in our relationship isn’t as
it should be) and by not overreacting in majorly inappropriate ways. Of course,
I should also hold myself accountable to the fact that at first I was not fully
aware that I was responding to triggers. It didn’t take me long to figure out
though.
By the
end of that 24 hour period it was 10pm on Saturday night and I really wanted to
go to sleep. But because of an interaction I had just had with my husband, I
knew that wasn’t going to happen. I was a mixture of anxious, angry, hurt, and
scared and I knew if I tried to lay down to sleep I was going to toss and turn
and cry for a while and be up longer than I wanted to. I really wanted to talk
to my husband about my feelings. Of course, my initial response was thinking
that it was not a good time to do so. My husband and I were exhausted from
spending all day preparing to go out of town with our two young children for 3
weeks and would be getting up early in the morning for an all-day drive. But
not talking to him sure wasn’t going to help me get my beauty sleep, either. I
knelt on his side of the bed (he was downstairs using his laptop on the couch)
and said a stream of conscious prayer about where I was at. As I prayed and as
I rose from prayer, it made sense in my mind to talk with my husband and I felt
calm enough to trust myself to do so in a pretty healthy way.
As it
crossed my mind once again that now was not a good time and reflected in
frustration that there is never a good time, I suddenly made peace with this
fact. If there is no good time for some conversations than that means that
whether and when these conversations occur should not be dependent on external
conditions---they just need to happen when they need to happen. If there is no
good time for them, then there can’t really be a bad time for them, perhaps?
I
descended the staircase. Drum roll, please!
I sat on
the couch, told him I’d like to talk, and asked him to put his laptop away. I
can’t remember exactly what order it all came out (probably mixed---I’m
typically pretty anal about chronology and organization, so I really struggle
when events and feelings are so intertwined that it’s difficult to convey
things in conversation in a linear fashion), but I told him calmly but strongly
that I needed to apologize for some ways I had interacted with him in the last
day (I truly was sorry; I don’t like being an anxious nag) BUT that he needed
to know that my behavior was connected to negative emotions I was experiencing
based on behaviors he had exhibited in the past day and in the past few weeks
that were emotional triggers for me based on their association with pornography
use. I told him that I recognized that tonight was a particularly inconvenient
time for a long talk, but that because there is never a good time to talk, I
was not going to keep letting him off the hook like I have been for the past
year and a half. I told him I would not force him to talk with me now, but that
if he did not want to talk now, he needed to tell me when he would feel ready
to talk with me, up to one month from now (unfortunately this long of a span
was appropriate since we were going out of town for 3 weeks and wouldn’t even
be together for some of that). I also brought up a very specific issue that I
identified almost a year ago that really needs to be addressed and told him
that at this point I wouldn’t try to force admissions from him in our
conversation, but, referring to the behaviors he has shown and the things I’ve
been feeling, I deserve a response from him on this and other concerns.
As I
finished talking, a few tears trickled from my right eye (the eye that he could
see from his position to my right) and my voice trembled here and there while I
talked. But I felt very in control of myself and my emotions. It felt AMAZING.
Silence.
Nothing coming from husband. I have had to get used to this with him. He is
naturally someone who takes a lot of time to think about what he’s going to
say, and I have to give him some credit and say that I have reinforced this
tendency since no matter what he says or how quickly it comes out I always have
a response and thanks to my editorial skills, am well trained in critique.
Inner
stillness from me. I talked about this with my therapist a bit months ago. I
realized that I needed to work on being still when I talk to my husband and not
let my anxiety overtake me when I’m waiting for a response from him. I
unconsciously found a loose thread on my bathrobe and wound and rewound it
around my fingernail---a nervous activity, but enacted very slowly and in a
controlled fashion. I’m telling you, I owned this experience, and it felt so
good!
Eventually,
and in pieces, from him: an apology for some behaviors over the past day . . .
ok, I was just going to list them all bang, bang, bang, but I have to stop here
for a minute. There are few things I appreciate from my husband as much as an
apology. I’m the kind of person who acts fast and talks fast so I say and do a
lot of stupid things, but I try to make up for it by facing my mistakes bravely
and providing timely and sincere apologies when appropriate. My husband is much
more cautious and is less often in the position of needing to apologize for his
behavior. For a long time I have focused on the positives associated with that
and always felt he was inherently a better person than me. But in the past two
years, I’ve come to see that for him there are weaknesses associated with that
strength. He has less experience recognizing the need to make an apology and
less experience with and comfort with making one. A few months after I found
out about the pornography I learned,
through a very long, drawn-out, and strained conversation we had in the middle
of the night how important it is for me to hear apologies from him when they
are called for and how difficult it is for him to do it.
Ok,
tangent over. I got several appropriate apologies from him, validation that my
emotions made sense given the behaviors he had been exhibiting and the triggers
they represented, admission that there were “some things for [him] to talk
about” related to the issue as a whole, and a statement that although now was a
particularly bad time to talk, we would talk tomorrow during our long drive
about when to do that.
Best
part of it all: he didn’t appear to be “shutting down” as he normally does with
these types of conversations. Although, instead of staying downstairs with his
laptop (he had previously claimed to not be ready to go to bed), he did follow
me upstairs and fell asleep pretty promptly (I really don’t think he’s lying
when he says conversations like these truly exhaust him)---before I did, in
fact. Which led me to think that if talking like this really helps him shut
down and sleep, having the talk the night before a long drive when he needed to
go to bed early so he could get up early really might have been a good time. J Oh, and I’m happy to report that even though he
fell asleep before I did, I laid in bed peacefully and for not too long before
I fell asleep.
Introducing my official theme song
Yesterday I started a new Pandora radio station, and a song by a group I had never heard of before came on. I almost gave it a thumbs down because, well, at the time I was not really in the mood for twangy banjo. This was a rock/pop station, after all. As soon as I heard the chorus, I looked up the lyrics and I'm so glad I kept it on. Without further ado, I present the lyrics of "I will wait" by Mumford and Sons:
I will wait
And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess
But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies
But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
I think it's just beautiful. And I like how a lot of the lyrics could be sung from my perspective or my husband's. For me, I especially like the lines, "So I'll be bold as well as strong" and "Raise my hands Paint my spirit gold." For me these really capture the emotional and spiritual growth I've experienced and continue to hope for. In regard to my husband, I love the line, "You forgave and I won't forget," which expresses my hope that he honors the sacrifices I've made to help our relationship heal and the line "So tame my flesh And fix my eyes That tethered mind free from the lies," as an expression of him choosing to overcome temptation.
I will wait
And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess
But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies
But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground
Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow
Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
I think it's just beautiful. And I like how a lot of the lyrics could be sung from my perspective or my husband's. For me, I especially like the lines, "So I'll be bold as well as strong" and "Raise my hands Paint my spirit gold." For me these really capture the emotional and spiritual growth I've experienced and continue to hope for. In regard to my husband, I love the line, "You forgave and I won't forget," which expresses my hope that he honors the sacrifices I've made to help our relationship heal and the line "So tame my flesh And fix my eyes That tethered mind free from the lies," as an expression of him choosing to overcome temptation.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Magazine Racks
I think a few times when I was growing up I remember my mom complaining to grocery store managers about magazine covers on display check out aisles. I don't remember thinking much about it other than remembering her doing it. As a young adult, I know I've seen many magazine covers showing "scantly clad" (Is this a favorite LDS term? It's the one that comes to mind in this context) women, but I don't think I ever thought much about them until after I learned that my husband had been viewing pornography. For the few months after I learned, I became uber sensitive to media portrayals of women. I knew I could not wage a war against the public displayal of all media showing women not dressed according to LDS standards of modesty, but in the first month after learning about my husbands' pornography use, I saw a magazine cover in a check out line that was particularly provocative and I blushed (and steamed) inside thinking about what it would be like for him to be standing in this line, waiting to check out. After buying my groceries, I went to customer service, waited for a few people to buy lotto tickets, and made my complaint. They made note of it, and I think the next time I went to the store I noticed that the magazine had been covered or moved, though I honestly can't remember.
Today I was waiting in line at Wal-Mart (I now live in a different state) and did a double-take when I saw this month's Cosmopolitan. Technically there are/have been plenty of magazines showing the same amount of a woman's skin on the cover, but the particular areas of skin showing in combination with the woman's pose left me very uncomfortable. I had both of my girls in the cart with me though, and we were overdue for lunch and nap time, so I thought about just going straight to the car instead of making a complaint. I could always call from home, I thought. But I'm glad, for the woman in me and the mother in me, that I took the time to wheel into the customer service line. It was a short wait and the girls acted fine. The woman behind the counter responded just as I would have hoped---she said she would tell her manager and even double-checked the name of the magazine with me as she dialed the phone to do so as I walked away. I'm sure I'll be at the store again in the next week, and it will be interesting to see if any action has been taken. I know sometimes they have to have a certain number of complaints, and really I understand and accept that nothing may happen. But in the context of trying to protect myself, my children, and others from the harming affects of pornography, I feel like I did a valuable thing.
Another thought I just had was that I don't know if my daughters will ever learn about their dad's pornography use (they are younger than school age, so I feel like I have a very long while before I even consider whether it's appropriate to tell them, thank goodness), but hopefully, just like I remembered my mom's actions, they will always remember my actions---my willingness to take a public stand against innappropriate media---and that will give them the strength they may need some day to face whatever moral issues they may face (although I pray they never have the particular trials I have).
Today I was waiting in line at Wal-Mart (I now live in a different state) and did a double-take when I saw this month's Cosmopolitan. Technically there are/have been plenty of magazines showing the same amount of a woman's skin on the cover, but the particular areas of skin showing in combination with the woman's pose left me very uncomfortable. I had both of my girls in the cart with me though, and we were overdue for lunch and nap time, so I thought about just going straight to the car instead of making a complaint. I could always call from home, I thought. But I'm glad, for the woman in me and the mother in me, that I took the time to wheel into the customer service line. It was a short wait and the girls acted fine. The woman behind the counter responded just as I would have hoped---she said she would tell her manager and even double-checked the name of the magazine with me as she dialed the phone to do so as I walked away. I'm sure I'll be at the store again in the next week, and it will be interesting to see if any action has been taken. I know sometimes they have to have a certain number of complaints, and really I understand and accept that nothing may happen. But in the context of trying to protect myself, my children, and others from the harming affects of pornography, I feel like I did a valuable thing.
Another thought I just had was that I don't know if my daughters will ever learn about their dad's pornography use (they are younger than school age, so I feel like I have a very long while before I even consider whether it's appropriate to tell them, thank goodness), but hopefully, just like I remembered my mom's actions, they will always remember my actions---my willingness to take a public stand against innappropriate media---and that will give them the strength they may need some day to face whatever moral issues they may face (although I pray they never have the particular trials I have).
In the thick of things
So this post will not even attempt an update on some things that have happened that I want to write about. I just need a venue for exhaling some negativity, and this is the best place for that right now. I only have a few minutes, which is a good thing because I'm trying so hard to not focus on the negativity. So I want to write a few things, pull up my bootstraps (more like change my pajamas out for some actual clothes) and get about my day.
My husband has been feeling some pretty strong depression for the past few days, and at first I was doing ok with it, but it is really wearing on me. I feel bad complaining because I know based on his behavior he must really be struggling, but I also feel sorry for me and our family because we are suffering because of it too. It's especially hard for me to deal with because he and I respond to emotional stress so differently so because he doesn't react by seeking connection (by talking or touch) with me and isn't open to seeking medicinal or therapeutic help, I feel impatient because it seems like he's not trying to do anything about it. I'm working so hard to not feel resentful toward him for so many things. Mostly right now I'm frustrated that I have to always be the strong one in our family. I know that's not always the case, but for the last two years (I need to write a post just on this---I can't believe it's been almost two years of knowing about all this) it feels like that.
As I've prayed for help I've remembered that I don't need to always be the strong one---that I can fall and fail and let the Savior be my strength. I also have been blessed with small tender mercies in other areas of my life that remind me that the Lord is looking out for me and blessing me with opportunities to look out for others so I can be blessed through and for those small acts of service. I also have experienced, once again, feeling increased positivity and love for my husband when I pray for him and his needs. I realized in the middle of the night, after reflecting on these blessings that this trial has been working to my good. That amazingly I am becoming a better person overall. I hate admitting that because in no way would I want to communicate that my husband's choices have been a good thing or "worth it." But if his choices are abstracted to the level of "general life trial" then it helps me have faith in the Lord's overall plan of Salvation. Which is a good thing.
My husband has been feeling some pretty strong depression for the past few days, and at first I was doing ok with it, but it is really wearing on me. I feel bad complaining because I know based on his behavior he must really be struggling, but I also feel sorry for me and our family because we are suffering because of it too. It's especially hard for me to deal with because he and I respond to emotional stress so differently so because he doesn't react by seeking connection (by talking or touch) with me and isn't open to seeking medicinal or therapeutic help, I feel impatient because it seems like he's not trying to do anything about it. I'm working so hard to not feel resentful toward him for so many things. Mostly right now I'm frustrated that I have to always be the strong one in our family. I know that's not always the case, but for the last two years (I need to write a post just on this---I can't believe it's been almost two years of knowing about all this) it feels like that.
As I've prayed for help I've remembered that I don't need to always be the strong one---that I can fall and fail and let the Savior be my strength. I also have been blessed with small tender mercies in other areas of my life that remind me that the Lord is looking out for me and blessing me with opportunities to look out for others so I can be blessed through and for those small acts of service. I also have experienced, once again, feeling increased positivity and love for my husband when I pray for him and his needs. I realized in the middle of the night, after reflecting on these blessings that this trial has been working to my good. That amazingly I am becoming a better person overall. I hate admitting that because in no way would I want to communicate that my husband's choices have been a good thing or "worth it." But if his choices are abstracted to the level of "general life trial" then it helps me have faith in the Lord's overall plan of Salvation. Which is a good thing.
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