Confidence Waxing Strong

Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, 

and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; 

and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:45

The first real blog like this that I stumbled across was Be Strong, Be Confident. For so long I didn't seek out any online support in dealing with my husband's pornography use, mostly because I was scared of some of the anger I felt toward my husband and scared of similar feelings that other women in my position might be expressing. I didn't want to make my relationship with my husband worse or feel more miserable. But I stumbled across A Blog About Love through a link from a friend, and from there found BSBC. The title of the blog resonated so deeply with me (as does the title of the blog Faithfully Jaded; isn't it wonderful how the right phrase can actually make you feel a little less alone in the world?), and I soon realized the wealth of support that was available to me in the blogging world.

This first step of spending time reading the writing of other women in positions similar to mine has been very important to me and has facilitated other small but significant steps I have taken lately. I feel so much safer and stronger than I have felt in two years. Most of the time in this two year period I have felt that the guidance God has given me has been nearly imperceptible---like miniscule drops of mist distilling stingily from heaven. And though I still don't quite feel as though I'm wading through rivers in a dry place (Isaiah 32:2), I can feel the dews of heaven collecting and beginning to drip down my soul.

Yesterday I met with L and told her about the conversation I had and my participation in the online PASG. She congratulated me on the conversation and pointed out that my husband voiced positive associations overall with the current logistical situation, rather than resentment. That feels like a victory to me. She told me that many extroverts like me feel insecure after their first therapy session or support group, and that those I talked with would likely be understanding and forgiving if I did come off a little strong that first meeting. I didn't feel like it then, but after reading this, I can see that a furious victory dance is called for:

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923);
psychiatrist, author

Posted here by Glennon Melton, Momastary

With L I discussed some general thoughts about how to proceed next with my husband as well as some other general family issues, and although she was able to offer helpful advice, I mostly appreciated her agreement and approval toward the general direction I plan to head in. I can feel that the interactions I have with her as a therapist are shifting. Instead of asking her what to do, I tell her what I'm thinking of doing and ask for guidance or approval (and I think it's the healthy kind of approval I'm looking for here; I'm comfortable with the fact that she and I are different enough that I don't think we'd ever be close friends if we were in the same social circle, but if I didn't take stock in her professional opinion, I would not be paying to sit in that room). It is beyond comforting to me to see her nod her head and hear her share her estimation that my ideas sounds appropriate. I'm still a little lost, but I'm starting to be found, I think.

On Sunday I taught the RS meeting lesson on Forgiveness and the Lord helped connect me to another woman who I have already learned from and hope to be able to learn much more from while I live in this area. I also have felt increased peace and happiness and closeness to the Lord as He has helped me face some of my weaknesses and start addressing them. And as I was mentally conceiving this post and decided on the title, I decided to google "wax strong in confidence" and this amazing address was the third hit on the search. This is what I need right now.

This is my time, I can feel it. It's time for me to talk, and it's time for me to dance. I'm clearing my throat and throwing off my shoes. Please, come join my dance.

I did it!

I had the conversation with my husband! And it was everything I hoped it would be (not much) and nothing that I didn't want it to be (a lot). Sigh. I am so relieved! And it was all in good time since I meet with my therapist again tomorrow (oh, the power of deadlines).

So, in case you're itching to know what we talked about, and since it went so well and is a pretty non-personal issue, I feel like I can share.

Me: So about the time restrictions on your internet use [via the filter I installed on his laptop], I don't know if it's really an issue with possible temptation, but I wanted to see where you were at with things and let you know that if you want to talk about changing the times [currently 11pm-6am] or anything, we could talk about that.

Husband: It is a hassle sometimes, but usually if I need more time you're up and able to give it to me, and it is really good to help me get to bed earlier, so I think we can keep things the way they are.

Yep, that was it. Not word for word, of course, but pretty darn close for day-after memory and transcription. I'm sure you're thinking, "That's it?" All that lead up for that? But that was kind of the point. It's been a looooong time since we've talked about anything at all, and our big talks (ummm, I mean my big talks to him) really haven't gotten us anywhere. So right now I am all about taking it super slow and keeping things emotionally neutral and building incrementally on that success. I can't tell you how encouraged I am by this talk, and I have the sense now, as I type this, that we will be having another conversation soon. I know what I want the conversation to be about, but I'm going to be pondering and praying, and I think the Lord will give me some clues on what exactly to pursue next and when to go at it.

Also, another success was that I finally (after a month of having trouble using Google+; turns out I just need to use the new Google Chrome browser) was able to participate in Marlee's online PASG support group last Thursday! Overall, it was amazing, but at the end, I felt really vulnerable and insecure. Just as you would hope and expect, everyone was super nice and welcoming and it was beyond amazing to have such instant connection and understanding with those who participated. But I also shared a lot of things with people I just met for the first time that some of my very best friends (and most of my family members) don't know and I think I was a little too relaxed and I wish I had not opened my mouth quite so much. I am a super talkative person and I have to work hard not to monopolize conversations. I hope I didn't break any unwritten rules about how the group intereacts (the meeting itself was pretty formal but afterwards we just hung out and talked informally for a while to get to know each other). Fortunately, earlier in the day I had watched this video (it may seem cheesy, especially at first, but keep with it) about a book by Katrina Kenison (I've never read her before, but I'm interested in checking her out) posted on Clover Lane, and I just kept repeating "vulnerability is it's own gift, offer it, be brave enough to be vulnerable" to myself and that helped me a lot. I also have found a lot of solace in pretty much everything Glennon Melton has had to say in the past few months. Love that woman. She is a miracle to me.

Almost mine again

Before I begin this post, I'll give a quick update on my last one. No, I have not had the conversation with my husband yet. And yes, I probably should have. Over the weekend there was a night my husband brought up the topic of what I want to talk to him about. I knew it was an opportunity for me and I felt like the timing of the conversation could work really well. But I didn't, because I was still too scared. Someone give me a pep talk, please! My next appt. with L is on the 11th, so I don't have a lot of time left!

Ok, now for the real post. Of course, when I found out that my husband had been viewing pornography, my world was turned upside down, and for a long time, that was all I thought about. Even my daughter and my time-intensive church calling couldn't completely occupy my mind at any given time. Memories, wonders, worries, and pain was pretty much a constant from the time I woke up until I cried myself (not every night, but many) to sleep. It was like this for about 6 months and then, in the fall, in our new home out-of-state, I started being able to focus on other things a little bit more. In that season, I focused mostly on my house and loved how clean I was able to keep it. Oh, and I made really great dinners almost every night. I felt so efficacious; I could actually enact my intentions and have tangible evidence of my ability to do positive things. It was a wonderful boost for me emotionally.

The trend toward being able to engage in life not just physically but emotionally and spiritually without constantly feeling weighed down by the issues in my marriage has continued. And there is one specific area of my life that I am so happy to have almost completely reclaimed: music in general and my Jem Pandora station specifically. Right after I found out about the pornography, listening to any music (including hymns at church, especially since my husband left the church shortly before I found out about the pornography), but especially anything on my Jem Pandora station, was really hard. I felt so mad that one of the many consequences of my husband's actions was robbing me of the ability to enjoy any song about love (and there aren't a lot of songs that are not about love). If it was a cute, happy love song (think something by Taylor Swift or the like, which are not featured on my station, BTW), I'd feel bitter listening to it, sad for what I did not feel I had or thinking jaded thoughts about how that is not really what love is like. If it was an angry love song, the lyrics would rev up my feelings of hurt and anger. If it was a sad love song, I would break out into uncontrollable sobs.

Having a hard time listening to music actually is what made me want to blog about my experience in the first place. I reacted so strongly to the songs I heard and I felt like I needed some release or expression for that. I still feel songs stronger than I used to, but I'm happy it's not as intense as it used to be and that there is some music I can simply enjoy. However, there are a few songs and experiences I want to share here because they have affected me so strongly. (I'm sorry but Youtube drives me nuts, so I'm not going to post links to videos, but I will post links to the lyrics of the songs and you can look up the actual music if you want.)

I remember listening to Brian McFadden's "Almost Here" and Dido's "Who Makes You Feel" for the first time after finding out. Pretty much lost it when I heard those---just cried like crazy and closed Pandora.

A few months after I found out, I had to do a 6 hour drive all by myself, and after listening to my book on CD for a while, I just had to have some music, so I listened to a couple of U2 cds. That was quite the experience. I'm lucky I didn't get in an accident or get a ticket, I'm sure, because I was blasting the music, and singing/screaming/sobbing along to most of the songs ("With or Without You" and "A Man and A Woman" were pretty hard). It was pretty cathartic though.

Also a few months before I found out, I got to see Wicked for the second time, but this time on Broadway in NYC. Of course the show was awesome, but even though I knew the music from the first time I had seen it, I was surprised at how strongly I reacted during "I'm Not That Girl" and "As Long As You're Mine" I was with some of my in-laws, so I was so glad the theater was dark and hoped they couldn't tell that I was stifling sobs.

Now, I realize most of these songs don't fully relate to my situation. But I learned firsthand that for me, when I'm in pain, it's pretty dangerous to listen to any music where pain is expressed because I was  drawn to it like a magnet. Even if it was a cheesy, melodramatic song about a situation not anything like mine, I was still susceptible to singing along with a soaked face. I felt very out of control with these reactions, so I avoided music as much as I could, and it really bugged me that I had one less way of finding pleasure in my life at a time I desperately needed all the pleasure in life I could get.

So that is why I'm so happy that I can now listen to music safely again. Of course, music will never be like it was for me before. When I read this post and listened to the amazing song featured on it, I was reminded of the meaning that I will always bring to the table any time I listen to a song. And today when I turned on my Pandora station to help keep me sane while working on school work, I heard this song and remembered this blog and this post that I've had inside of me for over a year and realized what I needed to spend my me-time doing. (Tangent: I wish I had the time and energy to write this post better. I'm really a pretty decent writer, but I don't know that my skills will ever show on this blog because it's hard enough to take the time to write in it at all. And I think if I worried about writing "good" posts that might make it harder for me to spit out what I really need to say.) So, in sum:

• When I found out about my husband using pornography, I couldn't enjoy music at all.
• Now I can enjoy it a lot more than I could even a year ago, and I'm happy about that.
• Overall, my ability to enjoy music has been affected and that will probably never change. But I'll take what I can get. (I need to write a blog post on just that last sentence sometime.)

Something to start with

Last night my husband and I spent some time relaxing together before bed and really enjoyed ourselves. I love it when we're able to spend time like this together; it makes me feel so much more connected to him. As we were preparing to go to bed together, I was suddenly struck with the thought, "What if I talked to him about some questions I have right now?" I was really caught off guard by this though and quickly decided that right before bed on a week night when he is a bit sick was not the best idea. Ultimately, I was fearful that the discussion wouldn't go well and we would both miss much needed sleep and that I would ruin an otherwise nice evening. But usually that conclusion prevents me from even considering talking to my husband in a real-time situation such as this---the idea actually struck me as something that I wanted to do and that could work out well. I actually entertained the idea for a few seconds. To me, this is progress.

Today I had an appt. with L (my therapist) and, among other things, I talked to her some more about talking to my husband. There is a fairly small issue in the grand scheme of the topic of pornography use that just today I decided was my priority for discussion with my husband. Of course the big question that I would love to be able to blurt out and get an honest answer to is, "Have you viewed any pornography in the last 18 months?" But as of today, I feel like I can put that question on the shelf a little longer. I told L about my intention to have a short, emotionally neutral conversation about a small, logistical issue in our relationship tied to my husband's ability to access pornography. As I talked with her about this, I had a glimmer of enlightenment about how to approach this topic in conversation. I practiced my approach with L and I think I have a short, direct way to introduce the topic I want to discuss in a way that won't be accusatory and will invite him to share information and be open with me without demanding this from him (because demanding it from him never works out). L asked if I also wanted to ask my bigger question in the conversation, and I said that if he brought it up, of course I'd talk about it, or maybe ask about it if he seemed like he wanted to talk in more depth, but I don't plan on that happening. I honestly would be completely content for the time being if we had a two-minute conversation that didn't involve tears, withdrawal, or even apologies. That's not what this conversation is about. Of course I also hope it doesn't involve dishonesty, but on some level I can handle the possibility of dishonesty if we are at least able to execute a working conversation (yes, I've had a hard time dealing with disappointment about how low I have dropped the bar in my marriage, but that's another post). I hope that this conversation can give us a little more openness for our relationship now and set precedent for future conversations in which both of us feel safe to connect more fully. I told L that I plan to bring the conversation up with my husband before she and I meet again in 2 weeks (I brought the timeline up, not her).

Sorry this is all so vague. It's so hard to decide what to post and what not to. After I have the actual conversation I may choose to report in more detail what we talk about. It's hard to know what to share with others so I can meet my emotional needs while still being loyal and protective to my marriage and my husband.

I think to some people this post may not seem like a big deal, but given that for the past 18 months I have been plagued not knowing how to proceed with this issue in my marriage on almost a daily basis, and now I finally feel like I have some confidence in what to do next, this feels like a huge deal. (I have had much clearer ideas all along about what I need to do for myself; writing this blog being one of them.) I actually feel energized and a little excited about this---I've never had access to these emotions in any degree in dealing with this particular issue. It's kind of weird, but ultimately, it's good, and I'll take whatever good I can get.

Not sure where to start

It happened again. My kids are accounted for, I was working on my school work as I should, and I took a quick mental break to check one of my favorite blogs, Momastary. I read "There will be no eclipse", and all I could think was how I needed to be writing in this blog. I don't know exactly what to write about right now; despite my intention to spend more time focused on the issue of my husband's pornography use, I've had a number of things keeping me preoccupied lately including visitors from out of town and one of my children being diagnosed with a health issue that will effect our day to day life quite a bit. But I did have an appointment with my therapist last Thursday, so I think I will write about that.

When I met with L, I spent most of the time talking to her about how I want to be able to have more open discussions with my husband. In the six months after I found out about his pornography use, we talked at least once a week about things (read: once a week I sat him down and I talked a lot and he talked a little), but then we moved and got pregnant and with the exception of a few "conversations" (see previous explanation) we had about six months ago in response to me experiencing some emotional triggers, we haven't discussed it at all. Not one bit. Overall, I hate that. It is so against my nature and my values to ignore such a big and important issue that has so much meaning for our relationship. But whenever I think about bringing things up with my husband again, I remember how much I hate the conversations we do have about it. In terms of information, connection, and trust, they get us worse than no where; any amount of talking we do on the topic (and trust me, when we talk, I work so hard to be fair, kind, and relatively unemotional) sets him into depression and withdrawal that affects us for days. I feel like my husband and I individually and our marriage and family as independent entities are negatively impacted when I address the issue. So why would I bring it up?

I was a little surprised when my therapist also questioned my motivation for wanting more openness with my husband. I think she does support the concept, overall, but given what she knows about my husband and our relationship, it seemed she was suggesting I wait a little longer and proceed carefully when I do decide to talk to my husband about things. I mentioned to her that I've started reading the handbook for the LDS Church's 12 step program for loved ones of someone with an addiction (I see the regular handbook online, but not the one for loved ones of addicts, so sorry there is no link for that. Anyone else have a link to it?) and our discussion made it very clear to me that I have some serious emotional work to do in regard to the first step of admitting powerlessness.

In some respects I think I've begun to tap into that concept and that is why I've been able to go so long without bringing things up and without spying on my husband's behavior and without spending so much time wondering and worrying about him and our relationship. Although a lot of this relaxation is also the result of emotional fatigue and burnout. Some of the reason I don't spend as much time and energy on these things is because I don't have the time and energy to give any more (at least for now).

But I so have some time and energy to give to the issue, and I also know how unhealthy it is to just ignore things like this. However, I also know that I can't make my husband do anything so I worry that any effort I put into the issue will just be wasted until he's ready to change. But will he ever be ready to change if I don't push him to? And I know there are a lot of things I can do for myself, all of which can positively influence our relationship, but aren't there some things that can and should be done directly with him? I feel pretty confident I'm not in a position to make demands, but what should I ask of him? I can't know the truth about his behavior, but what should I ask him to share with me in the hopes that he'll be honest? There's no way he'll know how deeply I love him no matter what I say, but how do I begin to communicate that so that he'll feel safe with me? These are some of the questions I ask myself. I have so, so, so many more.

What questions are you grappling with? What answers have you found?

P.S. If you have a personal relationship with me, I would appreciate you leaving any of your comments anonymously (this will be an option when you choose what account to label your comment as). Thank you.

Victory Will Wait

It is one of those rare moments as a mother where my children are all being cared for by someone else or sleep and I actually have the energy to think something other than, "I could take a nap right now." My house needs cleaning and decluttering, I have important school work that I should be working on, and I would love to spend more time preparing for a social event I'm hosting (in my house that needs cleaning and decluttering) this weekend.

But instead I'm starting a blog that has existed in my head for more than a year and a half and figuring out what I will do with my kids later in the day so I can attend an online 12 step support group for loved ones of pornography addiction. I don't think I'll ever get rid of the voice inside of me that says I should not be using my time this way, but in the last year and a half since learning that my husband has a problem with pornography, I've learned that my emotional needs deserve to be a priority. In addition, in the last year I have avoided some of the more direct ways of dealing with a lot of my negative emotions that need addressing (for various reasons I've put more effort into creating experiences that facilitate feeling positive emotion rather than hashing out negative ones), but I know that it's time to start facing the ugly stuff head on. Or if not head on, with my head turned slightly more toward them. I'm still working on my courage.

But the point is, some things will not wait any longer. My need to acknowledge more widely (even if it is anonymously) the reality of the struggles in my marriage, my need for a greater circle of social support with these issues, my need for validation, my need to honestly and bravely face what has come my way, will no longer wait.

But me? I will keep waiting. I will wait upon the Lord, and I will wait for my husband and suffer long in my love for him as he stumbles his way through life and our marriage with his relationship to pornography. I will wait because I have faith in the Lord to sustain and bless me through this mortal life and in the life hereafter. I will wait because I have hope that my husband's heart will change and that he will return to God (he is not currently active in the LDS Church as I am) and find the strength to work out his salvation with me by his side. I will wait for victory because victory is worth the wait.