It happened again. My kids are accounted for, I was working on my school work as I should, and I took a quick mental break to check one of my favorite blogs, Momastary. I read "There will be no eclipse", and all I could think was how I needed to be writing in this blog. I don't know exactly what to write about right now; despite my intention to spend more time focused on the issue of my husband's pornography use, I've had a number of things keeping me preoccupied lately including visitors from out of town and one of my children being diagnosed with a health issue that will effect our day to day life quite a bit. But I did have an appointment with my therapist last Thursday, so I think I will write about that.
When I met with L, I spent most of the time talking to her about how I want to be able to have more open discussions with my husband. In the six months after I found out about his pornography use, we talked at least once a week about things (read: once a week I sat him down and I talked a lot and he talked a little), but then we moved and got pregnant and with the exception of a few "conversations" (see previous explanation) we had about six months ago in response to me experiencing some emotional triggers, we haven't discussed it at all. Not one bit. Overall, I hate that. It is so against my nature and my values to ignore such a big and important issue that has so much meaning for our relationship. But whenever I think about bringing things up with my husband again, I remember how much I hate the conversations we do have about it. In terms of information, connection, and trust, they get us worse than no where; any amount of talking we do on the topic (and trust me, when we talk, I work so hard to be fair, kind, and relatively unemotional) sets him into depression and withdrawal that affects us for days. I feel like my husband and I individually and our marriage and family as independent entities are negatively impacted when I address the issue. So why would I bring it up?
I was a little surprised when my therapist also questioned my motivation for wanting more openness with my husband. I think she does support the concept, overall, but given what she knows about my husband and our relationship, it seemed she was suggesting I wait a little longer and proceed carefully when I do decide to talk to my husband about things. I mentioned to her that I've started reading the handbook for the LDS Church's 12 step program for loved ones of someone with an addiction (I see the regular handbook online, but not the one for loved ones of addicts, so sorry there is no link for that. Anyone else have a link to it?) and our discussion made it very clear to me that I have some serious emotional work to do in regard to the first step of admitting powerlessness.
In some respects I think I've begun to tap into that concept and that is why I've been able to go so long without bringing things up and without spying on my husband's behavior and without spending so much time wondering and worrying about him and our relationship. Although a lot of this relaxation is also the result of emotional fatigue and burnout. Some of the reason I don't spend as much time and energy on these things is because I don't have the time and energy to give any more (at least for now).
But I so have some time and energy to give to the issue, and I also know how unhealthy it is to just ignore things like this. However, I also know that I can't make my husband do anything so I worry that any effort I put into the issue will just be wasted until he's ready to change. But will he ever be ready to change if I don't push him to? And I know there are a lot of things I can do for myself, all of which can positively influence our relationship, but aren't there some things that can and should be done directly with him? I feel pretty confident I'm not in a position to make demands, but what should I ask of him? I can't know the truth about his behavior, but what should I ask him to share with me in the hopes that he'll be honest? There's no way he'll know how deeply I love him no matter what I say, but how do I begin to communicate that so that he'll feel safe with me? These are some of the questions I ask myself. I have so, so, so many more.
What questions are you grappling with? What answers have you found?
P.S. If you have a personal relationship with me, I would appreciate you leaving any of your comments anonymously (this will be an option when you choose what account to label your comment as). Thank you.
I want to respond, but wow, it's really hard to know exactly what to say. Probably I'm just tired in general from 5 days on my own with my daughter, so it seems hard to tap into deep, important issues. One of the first and ongoing question I felt like I was really grappling with was, is he addicted? Or not? I remember you saying what your therapist said to you, "How do you know an addict is lying? His/her lips are moving." And I thought for a long time that because of some of the ways that pornography works in our brains, that he must have an addiction. But he said, no, repeatedly. I didn't know whether to believe him. It seemed like the behaviors were gone and we agreed to a number of things to shore up our defenses (internet filters, going to bed at the same time, therapy, etc.) but I worried that not everything had come out and that certain things were going deeper underground because that seems to be so many people's stories. I wondered if mine could be more simple and mundane; he has a small problem/weakness. He wants to eradicate it. He mostly has. I guess that's the question I grapple with: is this really my story? That it was hard, but we worked through a lot of things, and it's mostly over. I think I am beginning to feel that the answer is yes. Our lives are in too close proximity for there to be many secrets in the space between.
ReplyDeleteI think I have also spent a lot of time grappling with thoughts about sexuality, like those raised in this article for example: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/mormontherapist/2012/08/my-official-stance-on-masturbation.html That's still a work in progress...
I watched and tried to help for about 4 years as my husband struggled with pornography, then a therapist I trusted told me that he didn't haven an addiction because he was able to go 8 months.... Fast forward 6 plus years and I found out he was still acting out anywhere from every day to every couple months. The term addict means they have an impulse that they can't control. So in my thinking if he is not an addict he is just plain disrespectful to have a choice and choose to do something that hurts me so badly. With that said I believe my husband is an addict. It makes it a little easier, because it if was a choice why am I staying?
DeleteI know exactly what you mean about wondering if it's really an addiction. So hard to ultimately not know, although I'm glad you feel like you've made some progress on that issue (and progress overall!). I'm sorry I didn't see your comment until today, but I'm really excited about the post I'm about to write and publish.
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