Something to start with

Last night my husband and I spent some time relaxing together before bed and really enjoyed ourselves. I love it when we're able to spend time like this together; it makes me feel so much more connected to him. As we were preparing to go to bed together, I was suddenly struck with the thought, "What if I talked to him about some questions I have right now?" I was really caught off guard by this though and quickly decided that right before bed on a week night when he is a bit sick was not the best idea. Ultimately, I was fearful that the discussion wouldn't go well and we would both miss much needed sleep and that I would ruin an otherwise nice evening. But usually that conclusion prevents me from even considering talking to my husband in a real-time situation such as this---the idea actually struck me as something that I wanted to do and that could work out well. I actually entertained the idea for a few seconds. To me, this is progress.

Today I had an appt. with L (my therapist) and, among other things, I talked to her some more about talking to my husband. There is a fairly small issue in the grand scheme of the topic of pornography use that just today I decided was my priority for discussion with my husband. Of course the big question that I would love to be able to blurt out and get an honest answer to is, "Have you viewed any pornography in the last 18 months?" But as of today, I feel like I can put that question on the shelf a little longer. I told L about my intention to have a short, emotionally neutral conversation about a small, logistical issue in our relationship tied to my husband's ability to access pornography. As I talked with her about this, I had a glimmer of enlightenment about how to approach this topic in conversation. I practiced my approach with L and I think I have a short, direct way to introduce the topic I want to discuss in a way that won't be accusatory and will invite him to share information and be open with me without demanding this from him (because demanding it from him never works out). L asked if I also wanted to ask my bigger question in the conversation, and I said that if he brought it up, of course I'd talk about it, or maybe ask about it if he seemed like he wanted to talk in more depth, but I don't plan on that happening. I honestly would be completely content for the time being if we had a two-minute conversation that didn't involve tears, withdrawal, or even apologies. That's not what this conversation is about. Of course I also hope it doesn't involve dishonesty, but on some level I can handle the possibility of dishonesty if we are at least able to execute a working conversation (yes, I've had a hard time dealing with disappointment about how low I have dropped the bar in my marriage, but that's another post). I hope that this conversation can give us a little more openness for our relationship now and set precedent for future conversations in which both of us feel safe to connect more fully. I told L that I plan to bring the conversation up with my husband before she and I meet again in 2 weeks (I brought the timeline up, not her).

Sorry this is all so vague. It's so hard to decide what to post and what not to. After I have the actual conversation I may choose to report in more detail what we talk about. It's hard to know what to share with others so I can meet my emotional needs while still being loyal and protective to my marriage and my husband.

I think to some people this post may not seem like a big deal, but given that for the past 18 months I have been plagued not knowing how to proceed with this issue in my marriage on almost a daily basis, and now I finally feel like I have some confidence in what to do next, this feels like a huge deal. (I have had much clearer ideas all along about what I need to do for myself; writing this blog being one of them.) I actually feel energized and a little excited about this---I've never had access to these emotions in any degree in dealing with this particular issue. It's kind of weird, but ultimately, it's good, and I'll take whatever good I can get.