Victory Will Wait

It is one of those rare moments as a mother where my children are all being cared for by someone else or sleep and I actually have the energy to think something other than, "I could take a nap right now." My house needs cleaning and decluttering, I have important school work that I should be working on, and I would love to spend more time preparing for a social event I'm hosting (in my house that needs cleaning and decluttering) this weekend.

But instead I'm starting a blog that has existed in my head for more than a year and a half and figuring out what I will do with my kids later in the day so I can attend an online 12 step support group for loved ones of pornography addiction. I don't think I'll ever get rid of the voice inside of me that says I should not be using my time this way, but in the last year and a half since learning that my husband has a problem with pornography, I've learned that my emotional needs deserve to be a priority. In addition, in the last year I have avoided some of the more direct ways of dealing with a lot of my negative emotions that need addressing (for various reasons I've put more effort into creating experiences that facilitate feeling positive emotion rather than hashing out negative ones), but I know that it's time to start facing the ugly stuff head on. Or if not head on, with my head turned slightly more toward them. I'm still working on my courage.

But the point is, some things will not wait any longer. My need to acknowledge more widely (even if it is anonymously) the reality of the struggles in my marriage, my need for a greater circle of social support with these issues, my need for validation, my need to honestly and bravely face what has come my way, will no longer wait.

But me? I will keep waiting. I will wait upon the Lord, and I will wait for my husband and suffer long in my love for him as he stumbles his way through life and our marriage with his relationship to pornography. I will wait because I have faith in the Lord to sustain and bless me through this mortal life and in the life hereafter. I will wait because I have hope that my husband's heart will change and that he will return to God (he is not currently active in the LDS Church as I am) and find the strength to work out his salvation with me by his side. I will wait for victory because victory is worth the wait.