I did it!

I had the conversation with my husband! And it was everything I hoped it would be (not much) and nothing that I didn't want it to be (a lot). Sigh. I am so relieved! And it was all in good time since I meet with my therapist again tomorrow (oh, the power of deadlines).

So, in case you're itching to know what we talked about, and since it went so well and is a pretty non-personal issue, I feel like I can share.

Me: So about the time restrictions on your internet use [via the filter I installed on his laptop], I don't know if it's really an issue with possible temptation, but I wanted to see where you were at with things and let you know that if you want to talk about changing the times [currently 11pm-6am] or anything, we could talk about that.

Husband: It is a hassle sometimes, but usually if I need more time you're up and able to give it to me, and it is really good to help me get to bed earlier, so I think we can keep things the way they are.

Yep, that was it. Not word for word, of course, but pretty darn close for day-after memory and transcription. I'm sure you're thinking, "That's it?" All that lead up for that? But that was kind of the point. It's been a looooong time since we've talked about anything at all, and our big talks (ummm, I mean my big talks to him) really haven't gotten us anywhere. So right now I am all about taking it super slow and keeping things emotionally neutral and building incrementally on that success. I can't tell you how encouraged I am by this talk, and I have the sense now, as I type this, that we will be having another conversation soon. I know what I want the conversation to be about, but I'm going to be pondering and praying, and I think the Lord will give me some clues on what exactly to pursue next and when to go at it.

Also, another success was that I finally (after a month of having trouble using Google+; turns out I just need to use the new Google Chrome browser) was able to participate in Marlee's online PASG support group last Thursday! Overall, it was amazing, but at the end, I felt really vulnerable and insecure. Just as you would hope and expect, everyone was super nice and welcoming and it was beyond amazing to have such instant connection and understanding with those who participated. But I also shared a lot of things with people I just met for the first time that some of my very best friends (and most of my family members) don't know and I think I was a little too relaxed and I wish I had not opened my mouth quite so much. I am a super talkative person and I have to work hard not to monopolize conversations. I hope I didn't break any unwritten rules about how the group intereacts (the meeting itself was pretty formal but afterwards we just hung out and talked informally for a while to get to know each other). Fortunately, earlier in the day I had watched this video (it may seem cheesy, especially at first, but keep with it) about a book by Katrina Kenison (I've never read her before, but I'm interested in checking her out) posted on Clover Lane, and I just kept repeating "vulnerability is it's own gift, offer it, be brave enough to be vulnerable" to myself and that helped me a lot. I also have found a lot of solace in pretty much everything Glennon Melton has had to say in the past few months. Love that woman. She is a miracle to me.