Confidence Waxing Strong

Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, 

and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; 

and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

Doctrine and Covenants 121:45

The first real blog like this that I stumbled across was Be Strong, Be Confident. For so long I didn't seek out any online support in dealing with my husband's pornography use, mostly because I was scared of some of the anger I felt toward my husband and scared of similar feelings that other women in my position might be expressing. I didn't want to make my relationship with my husband worse or feel more miserable. But I stumbled across A Blog About Love through a link from a friend, and from there found BSBC. The title of the blog resonated so deeply with me (as does the title of the blog Faithfully Jaded; isn't it wonderful how the right phrase can actually make you feel a little less alone in the world?), and I soon realized the wealth of support that was available to me in the blogging world.

This first step of spending time reading the writing of other women in positions similar to mine has been very important to me and has facilitated other small but significant steps I have taken lately. I feel so much safer and stronger than I have felt in two years. Most of the time in this two year period I have felt that the guidance God has given me has been nearly imperceptible---like miniscule drops of mist distilling stingily from heaven. And though I still don't quite feel as though I'm wading through rivers in a dry place (Isaiah 32:2), I can feel the dews of heaven collecting and beginning to drip down my soul.

Yesterday I met with L and told her about the conversation I had and my participation in the online PASG. She congratulated me on the conversation and pointed out that my husband voiced positive associations overall with the current logistical situation, rather than resentment. That feels like a victory to me. She told me that many extroverts like me feel insecure after their first therapy session or support group, and that those I talked with would likely be understanding and forgiving if I did come off a little strong that first meeting. I didn't feel like it then, but after reading this, I can see that a furious victory dance is called for:

“I must learn to love the fool in me–the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my Fool.”
Theodore Isaac Rubin (born 1923);
psychiatrist, author

Posted here by Glennon Melton, Momastary

With L I discussed some general thoughts about how to proceed next with my husband as well as some other general family issues, and although she was able to offer helpful advice, I mostly appreciated her agreement and approval toward the general direction I plan to head in. I can feel that the interactions I have with her as a therapist are shifting. Instead of asking her what to do, I tell her what I'm thinking of doing and ask for guidance or approval (and I think it's the healthy kind of approval I'm looking for here; I'm comfortable with the fact that she and I are different enough that I don't think we'd ever be close friends if we were in the same social circle, but if I didn't take stock in her professional opinion, I would not be paying to sit in that room). It is beyond comforting to me to see her nod her head and hear her share her estimation that my ideas sounds appropriate. I'm still a little lost, but I'm starting to be found, I think.

On Sunday I taught the RS meeting lesson on Forgiveness and the Lord helped connect me to another woman who I have already learned from and hope to be able to learn much more from while I live in this area. I also have felt increased peace and happiness and closeness to the Lord as He has helped me face some of my weaknesses and start addressing them. And as I was mentally conceiving this post and decided on the title, I decided to google "wax strong in confidence" and this amazing address was the third hit on the search. This is what I need right now.

This is my time, I can feel it. It's time for me to talk, and it's time for me to dance. I'm clearing my throat and throwing off my shoes. Please, come join my dance.