Alan Jackson, Anonymous, and Pandora

Back in December I explained that "my ability to enjoy music has been affected and that will probably never change." I was trying to use the opportunity I have right now (babysitter is here!) to attack my to-do list, when Alan Jackson's "Remember When" just came on my Pandora station.

Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
Was the music we danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are, where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Remember when
Remember when

I obviously still have some grief I need to work though. (Will the grieving ever end completely? It seems like it may not.) But mostly I just want to get to the point where this will all be a memory and will somehow all seem worth it and sweet. I love H and believe me, I have given serious attention to my decision to marry him and to stay with him, and right now my choice is an easy one because he the one I want to spend my life with. We aren't as close and connected as I would like us to be, and there are some big issues in our relationship, but there is also plenty of good stuff. Really good stuff. He has made me a better person in many ways, he is very supportive of some key personal desires and dreams I have, and I love relaxing with him and having the conversations we have.

The morning didn't start great for H and I as parents, and I found myself thinking how I wanted to go to a nursing home because I wanted all the old people to tell me it is worth it. All the work and pain and sacrifice associated with the inescapable responsibilities of life and loving relationships. And then I looked at the beaming smile on the face of one of my gorgeous girls and felt guilty. I know it is. And I'm thankful for my girls, because it is my protective feelings for them as a mother that motivates and strengthens me to act in ways for the best interest for them and for myself. I realized this weekend that I must be a little more lost than I have thought because I get more upset at H when he treats them a certain way than when he treats me the same way. If I cared for myself as much as I cared for them (and I should love myself as much as I love them), this different response wouldn't happen. This is a signal to me that there is more work that I need to do on myself. But just the fact that I can see it is a start, and I give myself credit for even just starting to open my eyes to it.

I'll take this opportunity now to thank "anonymous" for leaving a (now-deleted; sorry, can't undelete it) comment on my "nitty-gritty" post. I deleted your comment because it was really hard for me to read, but I'm convinced now that even though I didn't want to read what you shared, it was good for me (didn't feel like it at first). It pushed me to think more critically about my response to certain things, and in conjunction with other input I was getting from other sources of suppport, it ultimately helped open my eyes to some things. I will reiterate my request that comments are given with care and respect for my personal preferences for receiving support (for instance, being labeled is really hard for me; I think there are usually better ways of communicating ideas than labeling). But I have decided to continue allowing anonymous comments for now (last week I had changed that setting to not allow them) because for now I feel like I can handle it, and it may help me receive perspective I would benefit from.

Last, I just need to share that I am in such a weird place right now. Ever since Wednesday night when I shared some important feelings and boundaries with H, I have felt unusually calm given what we've been experiencing. There has been plenty of frustration, anger, sadness, and discouragement, too, but I have to say it is much more manageable than usual. I think this is because I am achieving a level of detachment I haven't experienced before. I know it's a good thing, but it's also a little uncomfortable. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining, but I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself and the emotions that do remain a lot of the time. I'm trying to continue with my adopted mantra of last week, "Don't think about it; just do it." Which overall works pretty well. Until I turn on my Pandora Stations and hear songs like "Remember when." Sigh. Guess my mantra should be, "Don't think about it; just do it. And turn Pandora off!" Ok, just did. And I also just skimmed the wikipedia entry on Pandora. Some day when I have some intellectual and creative energy to spare, I will study the myth of Pandora in more detail and maybe that will give me something to write about on this blog. But for now, I'll point you to this piece of poetry (quoted in the wikipedia entry) by Theognis of Megara wrote as an embellishment to traditional interpretations of the myth:

Hope is the only good god remaining among mankind;
the others have left and gone to Olympus.
Trust, a mighty god has gone, Restraint has gone from men,
and the Graces, my friend, have abandoned the earth.
Men’s judicial oaths are no longer to be trusted, nor does anyone
revere the immortal gods; the race of pious men has perished and
men no longer recognize the rules of conduct or acts of piety.

Yes, I definitely want to think and write about this more, but my babysitter has to get to class. I'd love to come back to my blog later today and see comments sharing what you have to think about it though!