So, so happy!

A lot has happened in my head and heart since I last gave a real update. I've posted some of this on the forum, but not much. I have felt the need to pull inside myself a little (this is big for an extrovert like me) and just tumble some things around on my own for a while.

BUT. I just have to share how delighted-thrilled-excited-grateful-none-of-these-words-is-enough about this. Read it. Seriously. Don't read any more of my post until you've read MM's. MM has been through a lot in the past few weeks, as anyone who is part of the forum (and if you're not, you should be) knows. Are you part of the forum yet? Join. Seriously. Don't read any more of my post until you've sent a request to join it. Smile. And now this. It is just too awesome for words. I have been in a good mood since Sunday night mostly in large part because of it.

Well, and because of an experience I had tied to it. After reading about MM's experience, I knelt to say a prayer to thank Heavenly Father, and I felt the impression that this was an example of how the Lord wants some changes to happen in the church---through the personal efforts of its members.

Yes, the Lord could give revelation to our leaders to make every Bishop read certain materials and have 12-step meetings in every stake (and part of me thinks it would be great if that did happen!), but even though I think the Lord wants the church to get to that point, He allows it to happen more organically through the efforts of women like you (and hopefully someday me and other WOPAs we know and love) because there are benefits and blessings (in knowledge and faith) that come to those involved in getting the change to happen. We will be so much more prepared as mothers (and queens) now and eternally to know for ourselves what women in our situation really need. And because the thrust of the education to the leaders is coming directly from our perspective rather than impersonal revelation (that is, not directly connected to the personal experience of someone that a leader may know), I believe the programs and protocol that will follow will be more likely to center on our needs rather than the uninformed ideas of well-meaning but inexperienced leaders.

It's messy this way, and a lot of women are suffering until these programs are put in place and leaders are adequately educated, and I don't think God is actually satisfied with this situation, but He is patient and lets the progress come from us as we use His grace, I believe. It's hard to really explain exactly what I felt, so I hope it makes sense. I just feel so strongly that MM's experience and the role that WOPAs can play in educating others and helping them find paths to healing are consistent with God's plan for us to use agency and learn and progress in this life. That is what we're here for: to take the road that will make us. (Another must-read!)

The impression also meant a lot to me because it also speaks to questions I've had about other processes of change in the church such as allowing blacks to receive the Priesthood and women praying in General Conference. There are appropriate ways to address issues in the culture of our church with our leaders, and MM's success is another testament to me of this. I do not feel that it is quite time for me to make a big effort to reach out as MM did---I don't know if God will ever put an experience quite like that in my path. But I do hope for and look forward to times when I will be able to contribute to more widespread efforts to help others find healing.

What love gives and requires

I'm preparing to teach the Relief Society lesson on "Faithfulness in Times of Trial" from the Lorenzo Snow manual. I'm looking up quotes from "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis and ran across this great one that expresses how I feel about H and pornography use.

“Love may, indeed, love the beloved when her beauty is lost: but not because it is lost. Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal. Love is more sensitive than hatred itself to every blemish in the beloved… Of all powers he forgives most, but he condones least: he is pleased with little, but demands all.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Baby Steppin'

I finally "officially" started working through the steps in the Healing Through Christ manual.

First, I printed it out. (I don't have a smart phone or e-reader, so hard copy is still better for me.) Since it's so long, I decided to print it out as a fast draft (lower print quality). I didn't realize until it finished printing that all the lines of text would print wavy. I almost reprinted it, but decided I'd give it a try.

Next I actually took time after praying, reading my scriptures, and writing in my journal to read Step 1. I'm glad the lines printed wavy because that means I have to read it more slowly than normal. I can't just skim it. I actually underlined a lot of things that resonated with me.

 Then I got to the part where you're supposed to write stuff out. First I just read the questions. I felt emotionally lazy and I really didn't want to write them out. But finally I made myself do it. I only got through about half of them, and I didn't have any huge "Ah-ha" moments, but I did make a few little realizations and it was really beneficial to think hard and make myself be really honest.

I don't have anything else meaningful to say about the experience, but I am really proud of myself for starting this aspect of my healing. I've been avoiding it for months, but now I feel ready.

Alan Jackson, Anonymous, and Pandora

Back in December I explained that "my ability to enjoy music has been affected and that will probably never change." I was trying to use the opportunity I have right now (babysitter is here!) to attack my to-do list, when Alan Jackson's "Remember When" just came on my Pandora station.

Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
Was the music we danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are, where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

Remember when
Remember when

I obviously still have some grief I need to work though. (Will the grieving ever end completely? It seems like it may not.) But mostly I just want to get to the point where this will all be a memory and will somehow all seem worth it and sweet. I love H and believe me, I have given serious attention to my decision to marry him and to stay with him, and right now my choice is an easy one because he the one I want to spend my life with. We aren't as close and connected as I would like us to be, and there are some big issues in our relationship, but there is also plenty of good stuff. Really good stuff. He has made me a better person in many ways, he is very supportive of some key personal desires and dreams I have, and I love relaxing with him and having the conversations we have.

The morning didn't start great for H and I as parents, and I found myself thinking how I wanted to go to a nursing home because I wanted all the old people to tell me it is worth it. All the work and pain and sacrifice associated with the inescapable responsibilities of life and loving relationships. And then I looked at the beaming smile on the face of one of my gorgeous girls and felt guilty. I know it is. And I'm thankful for my girls, because it is my protective feelings for them as a mother that motivates and strengthens me to act in ways for the best interest for them and for myself. I realized this weekend that I must be a little more lost than I have thought because I get more upset at H when he treats them a certain way than when he treats me the same way. If I cared for myself as much as I cared for them (and I should love myself as much as I love them), this different response wouldn't happen. This is a signal to me that there is more work that I need to do on myself. But just the fact that I can see it is a start, and I give myself credit for even just starting to open my eyes to it.

I'll take this opportunity now to thank "anonymous" for leaving a (now-deleted; sorry, can't undelete it) comment on my "nitty-gritty" post. I deleted your comment because it was really hard for me to read, but I'm convinced now that even though I didn't want to read what you shared, it was good for me (didn't feel like it at first). It pushed me to think more critically about my response to certain things, and in conjunction with other input I was getting from other sources of suppport, it ultimately helped open my eyes to some things. I will reiterate my request that comments are given with care and respect for my personal preferences for receiving support (for instance, being labeled is really hard for me; I think there are usually better ways of communicating ideas than labeling). But I have decided to continue allowing anonymous comments for now (last week I had changed that setting to not allow them) because for now I feel like I can handle it, and it may help me receive perspective I would benefit from.

Last, I just need to share that I am in such a weird place right now. Ever since Wednesday night when I shared some important feelings and boundaries with H, I have felt unusually calm given what we've been experiencing. There has been plenty of frustration, anger, sadness, and discouragement, too, but I have to say it is much more manageable than usual. I think this is because I am achieving a level of detachment I haven't experienced before. I know it's a good thing, but it's also a little uncomfortable. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining, but I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself and the emotions that do remain a lot of the time. I'm trying to continue with my adopted mantra of last week, "Don't think about it; just do it." Which overall works pretty well. Until I turn on my Pandora Stations and hear songs like "Remember when." Sigh. Guess my mantra should be, "Don't think about it; just do it. And turn Pandora off!" Ok, just did. And I also just skimmed the wikipedia entry on Pandora. Some day when I have some intellectual and creative energy to spare, I will study the myth of Pandora in more detail and maybe that will give me something to write about on this blog. But for now, I'll point you to this piece of poetry (quoted in the wikipedia entry) by Theognis of Megara wrote as an embellishment to traditional interpretations of the myth:

Hope is the only good god remaining among mankind;
the others have left and gone to Olympus.
Trust, a mighty god has gone, Restraint has gone from men,
and the Graces, my friend, have abandoned the earth.
Men’s judicial oaths are no longer to be trusted, nor does anyone
revere the immortal gods; the race of pious men has perished and
men no longer recognize the rules of conduct or acts of piety.

Yes, I definitely want to think and write about this more, but my babysitter has to get to class. I'd love to come back to my blog later today and see comments sharing what you have to think about it though!

Should already be in bed

I should have been in bed long ago, and instead I have been wasting time on FB and blogs (this is not too unusual for me, unfortunately). Right now I kind of wish I was in the position of a child and my mom would come in and make me just go to bed. I've been doing a pretty decent job taking care of myself lately, as far as that goes, but I'd be happy to let someone else have a turn.

A LOT has happened since I last posted. And I really want to write about it all and share most of it on this blog. I need to process this stuff in detail; it has been so long since anything has really happened and now that something has, I don't want to miss any of the lessons there are to learn from it. But I really should be in bed. So for now, I'll just make reference to the big stuff with summary statements (some of which seem disparate, but they really do belong together and all relate somehow to my experiences in the last week) so I can feel enough closure on it all to wrap up mentally for the night.

• Anger: Not all bad, I am learning
• Announcements: Some success in stating things that needed to be said in appropriate ways
• Apologies: Had to make two of these this weekend. It's good to be humbled, right?
• Boundaries: Figuring some out and starting to survey the lines where my fences will go.
• Codependence: Starting to see what a big issue this is for me. Not so exciting.
• Detach: I actually did it more than once . . . so exciting!
• Stinkiness: An attribute of my living room that no longer is
• Thanks: I owe them to some anonymous friends