Something to start with

Last night my husband and I spent some time relaxing together before bed and really enjoyed ourselves. I love it when we're able to spend time like this together; it makes me feel so much more connected to him. As we were preparing to go to bed together, I was suddenly struck with the thought, "What if I talked to him about some questions I have right now?" I was really caught off guard by this though and quickly decided that right before bed on a week night when he is a bit sick was not the best idea. Ultimately, I was fearful that the discussion wouldn't go well and we would both miss much needed sleep and that I would ruin an otherwise nice evening. But usually that conclusion prevents me from even considering talking to my husband in a real-time situation such as this---the idea actually struck me as something that I wanted to do and that could work out well. I actually entertained the idea for a few seconds. To me, this is progress.

Today I had an appt. with L (my therapist) and, among other things, I talked to her some more about talking to my husband. There is a fairly small issue in the grand scheme of the topic of pornography use that just today I decided was my priority for discussion with my husband. Of course the big question that I would love to be able to blurt out and get an honest answer to is, "Have you viewed any pornography in the last 18 months?" But as of today, I feel like I can put that question on the shelf a little longer. I told L about my intention to have a short, emotionally neutral conversation about a small, logistical issue in our relationship tied to my husband's ability to access pornography. As I talked with her about this, I had a glimmer of enlightenment about how to approach this topic in conversation. I practiced my approach with L and I think I have a short, direct way to introduce the topic I want to discuss in a way that won't be accusatory and will invite him to share information and be open with me without demanding this from him (because demanding it from him never works out). L asked if I also wanted to ask my bigger question in the conversation, and I said that if he brought it up, of course I'd talk about it, or maybe ask about it if he seemed like he wanted to talk in more depth, but I don't plan on that happening. I honestly would be completely content for the time being if we had a two-minute conversation that didn't involve tears, withdrawal, or even apologies. That's not what this conversation is about. Of course I also hope it doesn't involve dishonesty, but on some level I can handle the possibility of dishonesty if we are at least able to execute a working conversation (yes, I've had a hard time dealing with disappointment about how low I have dropped the bar in my marriage, but that's another post). I hope that this conversation can give us a little more openness for our relationship now and set precedent for future conversations in which both of us feel safe to connect more fully. I told L that I plan to bring the conversation up with my husband before she and I meet again in 2 weeks (I brought the timeline up, not her).

Sorry this is all so vague. It's so hard to decide what to post and what not to. After I have the actual conversation I may choose to report in more detail what we talk about. It's hard to know what to share with others so I can meet my emotional needs while still being loyal and protective to my marriage and my husband.

I think to some people this post may not seem like a big deal, but given that for the past 18 months I have been plagued not knowing how to proceed with this issue in my marriage on almost a daily basis, and now I finally feel like I have some confidence in what to do next, this feels like a huge deal. (I have had much clearer ideas all along about what I need to do for myself; writing this blog being one of them.) I actually feel energized and a little excited about this---I've never had access to these emotions in any degree in dealing with this particular issue. It's kind of weird, but ultimately, it's good, and I'll take whatever good I can get.

Not sure where to start

It happened again. My kids are accounted for, I was working on my school work as I should, and I took a quick mental break to check one of my favorite blogs, Momastary. I read "There will be no eclipse", and all I could think was how I needed to be writing in this blog. I don't know exactly what to write about right now; despite my intention to spend more time focused on the issue of my husband's pornography use, I've had a number of things keeping me preoccupied lately including visitors from out of town and one of my children being diagnosed with a health issue that will effect our day to day life quite a bit. But I did have an appointment with my therapist last Thursday, so I think I will write about that.

When I met with L, I spent most of the time talking to her about how I want to be able to have more open discussions with my husband. In the six months after I found out about his pornography use, we talked at least once a week about things (read: once a week I sat him down and I talked a lot and he talked a little), but then we moved and got pregnant and with the exception of a few "conversations" (see previous explanation) we had about six months ago in response to me experiencing some emotional triggers, we haven't discussed it at all. Not one bit. Overall, I hate that. It is so against my nature and my values to ignore such a big and important issue that has so much meaning for our relationship. But whenever I think about bringing things up with my husband again, I remember how much I hate the conversations we do have about it. In terms of information, connection, and trust, they get us worse than no where; any amount of talking we do on the topic (and trust me, when we talk, I work so hard to be fair, kind, and relatively unemotional) sets him into depression and withdrawal that affects us for days. I feel like my husband and I individually and our marriage and family as independent entities are negatively impacted when I address the issue. So why would I bring it up?

I was a little surprised when my therapist also questioned my motivation for wanting more openness with my husband. I think she does support the concept, overall, but given what she knows about my husband and our relationship, it seemed she was suggesting I wait a little longer and proceed carefully when I do decide to talk to my husband about things. I mentioned to her that I've started reading the handbook for the LDS Church's 12 step program for loved ones of someone with an addiction (I see the regular handbook online, but not the one for loved ones of addicts, so sorry there is no link for that. Anyone else have a link to it?) and our discussion made it very clear to me that I have some serious emotional work to do in regard to the first step of admitting powerlessness.

In some respects I think I've begun to tap into that concept and that is why I've been able to go so long without bringing things up and without spying on my husband's behavior and without spending so much time wondering and worrying about him and our relationship. Although a lot of this relaxation is also the result of emotional fatigue and burnout. Some of the reason I don't spend as much time and energy on these things is because I don't have the time and energy to give any more (at least for now).

But I so have some time and energy to give to the issue, and I also know how unhealthy it is to just ignore things like this. However, I also know that I can't make my husband do anything so I worry that any effort I put into the issue will just be wasted until he's ready to change. But will he ever be ready to change if I don't push him to? And I know there are a lot of things I can do for myself, all of which can positively influence our relationship, but aren't there some things that can and should be done directly with him? I feel pretty confident I'm not in a position to make demands, but what should I ask of him? I can't know the truth about his behavior, but what should I ask him to share with me in the hopes that he'll be honest? There's no way he'll know how deeply I love him no matter what I say, but how do I begin to communicate that so that he'll feel safe with me? These are some of the questions I ask myself. I have so, so, so many more.

What questions are you grappling with? What answers have you found?

P.S. If you have a personal relationship with me, I would appreciate you leaving any of your comments anonymously (this will be an option when you choose what account to label your comment as). Thank you.

Victory Will Wait

It is one of those rare moments as a mother where my children are all being cared for by someone else or sleep and I actually have the energy to think something other than, "I could take a nap right now." My house needs cleaning and decluttering, I have important school work that I should be working on, and I would love to spend more time preparing for a social event I'm hosting (in my house that needs cleaning and decluttering) this weekend.

But instead I'm starting a blog that has existed in my head for more than a year and a half and figuring out what I will do with my kids later in the day so I can attend an online 12 step support group for loved ones of pornography addiction. I don't think I'll ever get rid of the voice inside of me that says I should not be using my time this way, but in the last year and a half since learning that my husband has a problem with pornography, I've learned that my emotional needs deserve to be a priority. In addition, in the last year I have avoided some of the more direct ways of dealing with a lot of my negative emotions that need addressing (for various reasons I've put more effort into creating experiences that facilitate feeling positive emotion rather than hashing out negative ones), but I know that it's time to start facing the ugly stuff head on. Or if not head on, with my head turned slightly more toward them. I'm still working on my courage.

But the point is, some things will not wait any longer. My need to acknowledge more widely (even if it is anonymously) the reality of the struggles in my marriage, my need for a greater circle of social support with these issues, my need for validation, my need to honestly and bravely face what has come my way, will no longer wait.

But me? I will keep waiting. I will wait upon the Lord, and I will wait for my husband and suffer long in my love for him as he stumbles his way through life and our marriage with his relationship to pornography. I will wait because I have faith in the Lord to sustain and bless me through this mortal life and in the life hereafter. I will wait because I have hope that my husband's heart will change and that he will return to God (he is not currently active in the LDS Church as I am) and find the strength to work out his salvation with me by his side. I will wait for victory because victory is worth the wait.