God is in the details

 

Today I attended the online 12-step meeting that Alicia of Bra Badges currently organizes. Alicia shared that she felt strongly that we should read the beginning section of step 3 in the Healing Through Christ manual today. I know others benefited from the material, but I know that at least part of the reason she felt guided to this material was for me. I said the opening prayer for our meeting, and I prayed with real intent but without much emotion---I just didn't feel plugged in spiritually. But as soon as Alicia read the first paragraph, I immediately and unexpectedly had a strong response to these words:

"In Step Three we look beyond ourselves, put our faith into action and make a decision to completely
surrender our will and our lives to the care of Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. We decide to trust that God’s way can and will work. We become willing to “place ourselves in a position in which, no matter what happens in our lives, we can trust that we will be guided and cared for. We are no longer in charge. By placing ourselves in the care of . . . God, we put ourselves in much more capable hands." (Step 3, Healing Through Christ)

I felt so much warmth and positive emotion throughout my whole body; I felt connection to God. I had this vague but strong sense that I still have a lot coming my way in life but that I will be ok through it all, thanks be to God.

As we continued to read and I reflected on where I'm at right now, emotionally and logistically, I realized that I have been spending too much effort toward doing what I want to do with my time (lurking on the forum, blogs, and FB) as opposed to doing the things God wants me to do with my time (journaling, scripture study, prayer, writing, responding meaningfully to others, putting more energy into my home and family). I also felt the need to (for what feels like the millionth time) accept the fact that my life, particularly my married life just will not look like what I expected, and that I need to embrace that by letting go of my expectations for my life (although not necessarily my hopes) and just open my heart and mind to experience what comes. (Not in a, accepting whatever H chooses to do kind of way, of course.) That sounds so fatalistic and passive, but for a life-long control freak like me, it's actually a very empowering perspective because I feel confident that even though I can't fix all the problems around me, I can be fixed. Who I am on the inside can transcend whatever it is I experience on the outside. It's still scary because in my experience so far it seems to be the case that transcendence tends to happen right at the begining of something hard and then again after it's all over, but that there is always a part of the experience in which God really lets go and lets me experience some hard things, because otherwise there would be nothing to transcend. But ultimately I have faith in the process.

In Step 3, there is also the "Tandem Bike" analogy about letting God ride on the front seat of the tandem bike so He can steer. For me personally, the "Radio Flyer Deluxe Steer and Stroll trike" analogy works a little better. No need to worry about switching seats----the positions are non-negotiable. I should always be ready to yield the steering to God and accept gracefully the momentum he provides for progress. Sometimes he even mercifully (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time) overrides my efforts to control the steering and speed. Sometimes I fight with God about the direction I should go (this is where Step 3 comes in).

But I also have to accept that God allows us the opportunity to make some choices without direct guidance, even if it means we will make mistakes; we must overcome our fear and make bold choices about how to proceed (and at what speed). As we get stronger and learn from experience, He doesn't have to hold to the handle in the back very often, or as tightly, except maybe when we're going over particularly rough or possibly new terrain.

My three-year-old daughter loves to ride her trike down this sidewalk, which has a slight incline, but does not like working her way back up it. If she had it her way, she would have me do 100% of the work to get back up. But I know what she's capable of, or could be capable of, and I trust her to be safe, so I do less and less of the work it takes to get back up (and in case you're worried about her, it really is not a steep incline!). But I am always watching and waiting for her return.

As Thyself

A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend about the talk "What if love were our only motive?" (for the record, there were some parts that didn't do much for me, but the meat of it, mostly in the second half, I thought was great) and I brought up concerns I had with traditional ideals of love as selflessness. It was an awkward conversation because I didn't want to bring up H's pornography, but I did bring up the concept of co-dependence and wondered aloud how these ideas of looking after others' needs before our own, something that is idealized in many scriptural accounts and talks given by authorities in the LDS church, was consistent with what I have learned about the importance of self-care.

In the past 2+ years since learning about H's pornography use, the most consistent and clear impression I have received from God has been to take care of myself. It seemed that every time I approached the Lord in prayer and especially at the Temple, looking for answers to too many questions to count, I would walk away with nothing more than the conviction that I was to take care of myself.

In the time I have received that instruction (and as of two months ago, I am still receiving promptings from the Lord to focus on self-care), I have learned a lot about how to care for myself well and appropriately. And, lest any be concerned that I have become more selfish than I was in the past, I have spent no less time in service. In fact, now that I am the mother of two children instead of just one, I  probably much more time serving others than I had before I started receiving and acting on this revelation. In addition, the Lord has given me meaningful visiting teaching assignments that have given me many opportunities to serve, some of which have been quite sacred to me. I also still maintain meaningful church service in my current calling and work hard to serve my friends and family whenever I am able. (And more than ever, I have felt the peace, love, and joy that serving others brings; I consider the opportunities I've had to serve others in the past two years a true blessing.)

In my effort to reconcile my traditional view of loving others with my current view which highlights the importance of caring for myself, I checked all the scriptural references in LDS canonized scripture associated with the command to love others. They all read as Mark 12:31 reads:

"...Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."

None of the scriptural commands to love our neighbors spoke of loving them more than ourselves. In fact, there was never a hierarchy presented of where are love for our neighbors should be placed in relation to our love for ourselves. That's because there is no hierarchy. Just as God's love for all of his children is equal and unconditional, so should our love for others be equal and unconditional to our love for ourselves.

Ever since my husband left the church, it has been my goal to improve the quality of my love for him. I feel that if I love him with a Christ-like love, he will be more likely to choose to return to church because the fruits of my loving choices will help encourage and invite him to return. I hope to help draw him back to the Savior.

As taught by a professor at BYU, I interpret the last line of Doctrine and Covenants 121: 46:

"and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever."

to mean that the power of Temple Sealings is derived from living in such a way that our families will want to live with us forever and ultimately will repent of any behavior necessary in order to do so. No one can be forced into heaven, but if someone wants to go, they will do anything they need to in order to be there.

Understanding the command to love others as I love myself helps me make sense of the specific, repeated instruction I've received from the Lord to take care of myself while I have been striving to become better at loving my husband. How could I ever love H as God would love him if I am not capable of loving myself as God loves me?

As I have focused on learning how to truly care for myself well, I have learned to be more attentive to what helps me thrive and progress as an individual, and this makes me think longer and harder about what H might need to thrive and progress. I am not always able to know for sure what exactly he needs, but I feel I have been able to be more open to considering what specifically might help him or what needs he might have that need filling in the first place. Understanding my needs to have personal space and autonomy (agency) has also helped me respect H's needs to make decisions for himself and accept the consequences of his decisions in order to learn.

I don't have all the specifics worked out yet, but I do know that Christ-like love has nothing to do with enabling addiction or unrighteousness and does not require any behavior on my part that would diminish my dignity. I still have a long way to go---I'm better at conceptual descriptions of Christ-like love than I am enacting it. But I am awed by how God is teaching me and guiding me. It is taking time and the progress is slow, but it is happening.