A nap and a blessing

It is always so tempting to take a Sunday afternoon nap. Usually I don't even fight it. But today I really wanted to get some things done during the afternoon and then hit the sack early. However, I ended up laying down for a few minutes, and of course I quickly fell under the power of sleep. When I woke up at dinner time, I was disappointed that I would not be going to bed early, but I realize now that since I'm up late and no one else is, I have the opportunity to post on this blog about a special experience I had today.

Today I attended a church meeting in which a General Authority attended. He, like several other speakers, mentioned the power of Priesthood blessings, and I started to feel a little sorry for myself. When H was active in the church, I loved to receive blessings from him. I received revelation from him that I truly believe was inspired and I used information from these blessings to make really important decisions in my life. Ever since he left the church, it has been so much harder to ask for blessings. At first I was in a ward where I was very close to my bishop, but then we moved and ever since then it's been really awkward for me to ask for one. Usually when I want a blessing of comfort it's because I'm dealing with something really personal; something I'm not always comfortable talking to most other people about (You know, like the fact that H is not active in the church and has issues with pornography.), especially a man who is not my husband or a family member. Then there's the fact that I have trust issues with men and Priesthood holders. In addition to H hiding worthiness issues from me in the past, I know of other men, personally and close to some friends I trust, who have administered Priesthood ordinances without the requisite worthiness (bug me to write a post about the issue of Priesthood worthiness and blessings because I have some thoughts on this that have helped me deal with this seeming conundrum).

So I'm thinking to myself how I would love a blessing but don't know who I would ask. I'm looking around the room and all the sudden my eyes settle back on the General Authority. I felt a warm spirit and I knew, based on how I felt and how I was responding in general to his message, that I trusted him to be worthy to give me a blessing. Plus, since I don't have to interact with him on a regular basis, I'm ok telling him about the situation with H. So after the meeting ended, I waited in line to shake his hand and I asked him for a blessing. He reminded me that his capacity in the Priesthood was no greater than any other man's (agreed) but then he said that he "trusted my feelings" to ask him for a blessing. I really appreciate him saying that. I've worked so hard to trust my feelings, and it was so good of him to trust me. He only had 10 minutes until he had to leave, so we scurried off with the Stake President.

I gave him the 60 second bullet-point version of my married life (sooooo awkward). He asked a few clarifying questions (I was kind of all over the place and rambling, so at first he thought H and I were divorced) and then administered the blessing. I was told a lot of things that I really appreciate hearing. It really was a blessing to me. But hopefully it can be a blessing to you, too. Just a few minutes ago as I was writing in my journal and praying, I thanked Heavenly Father for the experiences of the day and realized in a flash that I had been blessed to take a nap so that I would be up now and have the opportunity to write in this blog now and share some of the things I was told in the blessing to you. I felt so guilty asking a General Authority for a blessing, like I was taking him away from more important things or from other people he could have ministered to. I felt some peace about the fact that Jesus and his Prophets have always made time to minister to individuals, but I felt so much more peace about the situation when I realized that God wanted me to share (most of) the blessing in this blog so that others could benefit.

Here is what God wants me, and I think some of you, to know. It will sound familiar, but I personally took great comfort in hearing these things again today, in the particular words they were phrased in (I feel strongly that the words we use matter), with the confidence I had that these words were from the Lord.

• The Lord knows you and loves you.
• All promises made in covenants still apply to you personally and are in full force.
• You are valuable.
• You have done nothing to be guilty of regarding your husband's behavior. Those are his problems and they do not have anything to do with what you have done.
• You are blessed with the ability to forgive; but that does not mean you should accept sin. Read stories in the scriptures about how the Lord responds to sinners.
• You can be a ray of sunshine to your husband and invite him to good through love.
• As you live worthily, the blessings of the Priesthood will be in your home.
• As you live the gospel and keep the spirit in your home, your husband will be active in the church whenever he is with your family.

I had been in a really bad mood in the morning and when I left the Church I felt so calm and happy. As I reflected on my emotional experiences of the day and the blessing I received, I thought about how often times I feel resentful when I have to be the strong one for our family or have to bear the burden of looking for the positive and choosing happiness. It seems so obvious now, but I had the realization that I could choose happiness for myself and that the effects of that choice would naturally spill over to H and our family and there was no reason to be resentful about that. I want to be happy, and while I don't expect that I will be all the time (in fact, I am extremely comfortable with the idea that we should not act happy all the time because there are times it is not appropriate or healthy and sometimes the only way to happiness is through sorrow), I do know that I want to always be working toward happiness.

I'm so thankful for experiences like the ones I've had today where it is clear to me that God is orchestrating good in my life. I draw so much strength from this!