The nitty, gritty, and not so pretty

Warning: If you're looking for inspiration, this post may not be for you today. There will be no pictures of peonies today.

I am angry. And I am ready to write about that. For so long, I have not felt safe with my anger. It is so important to me to try to be Christ like and not hurt others, especially my husband, that I work very hard to not indulge in anger. But I'm realizing now that not all of this effort stems from righteous desire. Some of it comes from pride---I don't want to be seen doing the "wrong" thing. And some of it comes from the out of control feeling that comes from anger. I don't like it. It makes it hard not to do things I regret. I feel like I lose agency and perspective and compassion when I'm in that mode.

So I think I have been in denial about some things because I've been trying not to get angry. Lately as I've been reading the great posts you have been sharing on your blogs, I've realized how I have not been facing some issues related to my well-being that I need to, and internally I've been working on ramping up my motivation and courage to face the truth and figure out what my next step is and execute it.

One big breakthrough was joining the Help and Healing Forum for Wives (or Ex-Wives) of Addicts. This has led to a few specific triggers for me. They make me feel uncomfortable, but I know I need to feel uncomfortable at times in order to progress.

First, I wrote an introduction telling how I found out about H's pornography use. This was hard for me to do. I have known that I should do this for a while, but haven't because I didn't feel ready. Sharing it was and still is making me feel more vulnerable than I even expected though. And of course I just shared a short version. There is so much more that I really should write and formally process.

Second, I had a dream about two weeks ago that was extremely vivid and coherent. In it, I engaged in sexual behavior with some men even though I knew I was married to H. In the dream, part of me enjoyed it but I also felt really bad about what I was doing and knew it was wrong. Then, in the dream I saw H and he kind of knew what happened and I knew we needed to talk about it and I needed to confess, but I just could not form the words to tell him what I had done to violate our marriage. It was so interesting to feel this loss of words as an overwhelming physical sensation because I am very talkative and only very rarely am I at a loss for words. After thinking about the dream, I decided I could use it to feel empathy for H's position and I decided I wanted to talk to him about it. So two nights ago after a short, neutral every day conversation together, I started by telling him that I knew he loved me and I appreciated all the things he did regularly that helped me know that he really loves me and then I told him the dream. I then told him that I understood why it would be hard for him to tell me about things he's done because I know he doesn't want to hurt me. He didn't say anything in response, but we made eye contact, and I made myself detach and go on with my evening, feeling glad that I had said what I wanted to say and remembering that I could not and should not try to force him to engage further on the issue even though it was tempting. But then, last night I read something on the forum that made me rethink the whole thing. I can't share what was said here, but basically it came to my attention that if I excuse H from being honest with me because it might hurt my feelings, I'm enabling his addiction. Of course I don't actually want him to hide the truth from me even though it may hurt me, and I did explicitly tell him that. But if I am too careful with our emotions, the truth will never come out. I do think it's good for me to understand H's perspective, so overall, I think the dream and the conversation that followed were a good thing. But it was good (hard, but good) for me to realize that having that perspective is not the end goal. It is something that should facilitate our path to truth, not keep us from it.

Third, through the forum I found a link to this site which is full of good information and contains two videos that I watched. One was the testimony of ex-porn star Shelly Lubben to the state of California on the harm that is inherent in the porn industry and one was a TEDx talk by Gary Wilson on the harmful effects of porn on addicts. (Warning, there are some videos on the site that were too graphic for me, and even the info Shelly shared with me disturbed me. So be warned that not everything shared on this site may be for you.) I knew pornography was bad before I watched these videos, but I have been minimizing that in my mind because I feel there is so little I can do to control H's use of it (or even know if he is using it). So when I made myself come to face with all the specifics and compared them in my mind to the LIES H told me when I found out about the pornography---that there is nothing wrong with it except that it hurts my feelings and that it's between consenting adults so it's fine---I got so mad. Of course I didn't believe his lies before, but I did not feel I was in a position to contradict H; in fact, I didn't want to. There were so many issues we had to face just with him leaving the church and he made discussing anything so difficult that I didn't want to bring up anything I didn't have to.

So those three things have all contributed to my discomfort and anger right now. It's not overwhelming, it's not violent, but it does feel motivating and powerful. I feel like I want to do something and I'm ready to do something. What I want to do is sit down with H and make him listen (I don't want him looking at Shelly, and you all know why) to those two talks in my presence. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to tell me how he feels about pornography, especially if his views haven't changed in the two years since we've talked about it last(!) but that I am finally ready to respond to what he said in a conversation once about pornography not being harmful (except to my feelings---and btw, shouldn't that be enough reason not to use it?). I want him to know that because I want him to not use pornography because I care about him and because I care about all the people affected by the evil of this industry that are being hurt because otherwise responsible citizens are supporting it or turning a blind eye to it. I want him to know that it is reasons like these that it has no place in our home. And I want to ask him what he is going to do to start showing me that the intention he stated two years ago to never use it again has any meaning to him, and if so, what he has done to follow through with that intention. And I want to ask him what he is going to do for the 8 weeks we will be apart (on different continents) this summer to stay true to me.

But I'm scared. Because I don't know very much about codependence and what my version of it looks like yet, and I don't want to make things worse and I'm worried that a conversation like this might do that. (If I really am way off base here, I'd love for those of you with more experience to gently suggest a better course of action.) I know that I can't MAKE H do anything. That's why I've been working so hard to invite, encourage, lead, and love instead. But I also know that I have the right and duty to expect behavior from H that will keep me and my family safe. If he truly thinks there is nothing wrong with pornography, he needs to know, and he needs to know that I know, what a lie that is.

I feel like a lioness at the gate. That's right. I am woman, hear me roar.

I say that, and yet I still feel hesitancy in my spirit. A pep talk, please? Can I hear your roar?

P.S. About 5 minutes after publishing this post, I read this awesome post about anger. Umm, 5 minutes? How about 10 years? I think my anger pasts the test . . .

P.P.S. I mean to share a link to this post about writing negative things that I could really related to. 

Not every day is a cleaning day

After this was done, 

Ma began the work that belonged to that day. 

Each day had its own proper work. 
Ma used to say:

Wash on Monday

Iron on Tuesday

Mend on Wednesday

Church on Thursday

Clean on Friday

Bake on Saturday

Rest on Sunday

"Little House in the Big Woods" p. 29

Like some others of you, I recently read this post by a Mormon bishop, and like Alicia, this line really stood out to me:

"The strongest among us are those with the cleanest mirrors."

For the past few days, I've been feeling some unease about a few relationships in my life (related to my boundary setting/enforcing), and I know I need to see some things more clearly than I currently do. But I have not made use of some opportunities I've had to ponder and pray about the issue more specifically because I don't feel ready to accept responsibility for things I may have said or done or apologize. The discomfort is building, so I know it will happen soon, though. Last night, when I finally managed to drag myself to my knees for a reluctant evening prayer I knew I needed to at least take a step toward the issue. So I told God that I knew I needed to face the issue and see the truth, but that I didn't feel strong enough to. I wasn't like those strong people capable of keeping their mirrors clean. And immediately, what I felt in my heart was:

You don't have to be strong to have a clean mirror; it is the act of cleaning your mirror that will make you strong.  

And I knew that my emotions were legitimately affected by my need for sleep and that God was not holding me accountable for cleaning my mirror that day. Tomorrow, maybe. But we could wait and see.


(Note: I have more thoughts and experiences with mirror cleaning-related subjects that I hope to write about soon.)

Find your flowers

I just read a post written by someone who is struggling right now, and I found myself wanting to reach out to her. I wasn't sure how to go about reaching out because our relationship is new, and because I'm trying to make sure that my behavior is motivated by compassion rather than co-dependency. She knows she needs to take care of herself, and I do not want to get in the way of that. But I had the thought that if I could, I would buy her flowers. And then I remembered an experience I had over two years ago about buying myself some flowers.

It was the first Saturday in June, 2011. Not quite 3 months after I had learned that H had been viewing pornography for at least the last three years of our marriage. I was going to therapy regularly. I was crying at church every Sunday. And I was wondering if our recent efforts to get pregnant (initiated by me; that's a story to share sometime) had worked.

I was driving around running errands to get some special food for visitors who would be arriving the next evening. On my way back from a shop in the country, I saw a small farm with a wide, spreading lawn that was graced by two long rows of peonies. They looked very similar to this:

I slowed down and looked longingly. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen a row of peonies. Clustered shrubs of them, yes. But not a long row. When I was little my parents owned a home for a few years that had a long row of peonies lining the front yard, and I loved weeding the bed and watching the ants crawl over the buds before they exploded with petals and released their sweet perfume.

And then I saw a sign that said, "1 dozen for $5."

One dozen for $5? I could buy 12 huge, gorgeous blossoms for just $5? I couldn't believe it, and of course I wanted to pull over and get some. But I kept driving. Why spend $5 on fresh flowers when in 3 days I would be going on a trip? Why spend $5 on a want when, in an effort to save money for when H would go back to school that fall, discretionary funds didn't really exist? How would H react to me bringing home flowers---would he feel guilty that he had not bought me flowers recently? He didn't need more guilt right now. And what would my guests think of the flowers I had bought myself? The culture of romance I was raised in had trained me to believe that flowers were something you give to someone you admire, and also that it is vain to admire yourself. So I wasn't sure buying myself flowers was an appropriate thing to do, and I didn't feel ready to try experiment with it when I would have an audience.

But as I kept driving, I couldn't stop thinking about the flowers. I imagined them on my dining table, and just the thought of it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I realized how much pleasure I would be able to extract from those flowers. And I could enjoy them for three whole days! So I turned around, drove back to the farm, parked in the long, semi-circle driveway, and waslked toward the two long rows. As I approached the beds, I was surprised to find that I was crying. I cried pretty frequently at this stage of my life, but I was confused as to why I was crying at that particular moment. A little embarrassed, I wiped my cheeks with my hands as I was greeted by the middle-aged woman who had inherited the farm and its heirloom peonies. She clipped the exact peonies I wanted, and because some were small, she threw in a thirteenth peony. It was so hard to choose between the varying shades of pink, from tinted white to deep magenta. My selections spanned the spectrum. If you put these two bouquets together, you can imagine what it looked like.

 

  

Breathtaking isn't the word; they looked and smelled so good they inspired me to breathe. To breathe more, and to breathe more deeply. I brought them home, put them in a vase, and just as I had imagined, experienced pleasure every time I looked at them and smelled them for the next three days.

At my next appointment with my therapist, I told him about the peonies. It seemed like a silly thing to bring up in therapy, but it seemed too important not to mention. As I told him about buying them, I started crying again. I felt embarrassed that I was crying over such a small thing, and I tried to change the subject to my more serious concerns. But he asked me to think more about why buying flowers was such an emotional experience. I thought about it some more, and I realized that this simple act of buying myself something I loved so much for the sake of my own pleasure was an extremely important act of self-care.

One of the clearest, strongest,and most repeated impressions I have had from God since finding out about H's pornography use has been to take care of myself. I am still learning how to take care of myself, but in the last two years I have learned a lot about why it is so important for me to stay well, what keeps me well, and how to prioritize the things that contribute to my wellness.

To all of the women reading this, who know the pain that I have felt, I wish I could send you flowers. But even more than that, I hope that when flowers are what you need, you are able to find them for yourself.

Dahlias I bought for myself on my 28th birthday in September 2011.

A nap and a blessing

It is always so tempting to take a Sunday afternoon nap. Usually I don't even fight it. But today I really wanted to get some things done during the afternoon and then hit the sack early. However, I ended up laying down for a few minutes, and of course I quickly fell under the power of sleep. When I woke up at dinner time, I was disappointed that I would not be going to bed early, but I realize now that since I'm up late and no one else is, I have the opportunity to post on this blog about a special experience I had today.

Today I attended a church meeting in which a General Authority attended. He, like several other speakers, mentioned the power of Priesthood blessings, and I started to feel a little sorry for myself. When H was active in the church, I loved to receive blessings from him. I received revelation from him that I truly believe was inspired and I used information from these blessings to make really important decisions in my life. Ever since he left the church, it has been so much harder to ask for blessings. At first I was in a ward where I was very close to my bishop, but then we moved and ever since then it's been really awkward for me to ask for one. Usually when I want a blessing of comfort it's because I'm dealing with something really personal; something I'm not always comfortable talking to most other people about (You know, like the fact that H is not active in the church and has issues with pornography.), especially a man who is not my husband or a family member. Then there's the fact that I have trust issues with men and Priesthood holders. In addition to H hiding worthiness issues from me in the past, I know of other men, personally and close to some friends I trust, who have administered Priesthood ordinances without the requisite worthiness (bug me to write a post about the issue of Priesthood worthiness and blessings because I have some thoughts on this that have helped me deal with this seeming conundrum).

So I'm thinking to myself how I would love a blessing but don't know who I would ask. I'm looking around the room and all the sudden my eyes settle back on the General Authority. I felt a warm spirit and I knew, based on how I felt and how I was responding in general to his message, that I trusted him to be worthy to give me a blessing. Plus, since I don't have to interact with him on a regular basis, I'm ok telling him about the situation with H. So after the meeting ended, I waited in line to shake his hand and I asked him for a blessing. He reminded me that his capacity in the Priesthood was no greater than any other man's (agreed) but then he said that he "trusted my feelings" to ask him for a blessing. I really appreciate him saying that. I've worked so hard to trust my feelings, and it was so good of him to trust me. He only had 10 minutes until he had to leave, so we scurried off with the Stake President.

I gave him the 60 second bullet-point version of my married life (sooooo awkward). He asked a few clarifying questions (I was kind of all over the place and rambling, so at first he thought H and I were divorced) and then administered the blessing. I was told a lot of things that I really appreciate hearing. It really was a blessing to me. But hopefully it can be a blessing to you, too. Just a few minutes ago as I was writing in my journal and praying, I thanked Heavenly Father for the experiences of the day and realized in a flash that I had been blessed to take a nap so that I would be up now and have the opportunity to write in this blog now and share some of the things I was told in the blessing to you. I felt so guilty asking a General Authority for a blessing, like I was taking him away from more important things or from other people he could have ministered to. I felt some peace about the fact that Jesus and his Prophets have always made time to minister to individuals, but I felt so much more peace about the situation when I realized that God wanted me to share (most of) the blessing in this blog so that others could benefit.

Here is what God wants me, and I think some of you, to know. It will sound familiar, but I personally took great comfort in hearing these things again today, in the particular words they were phrased in (I feel strongly that the words we use matter), with the confidence I had that these words were from the Lord.

• The Lord knows you and loves you.
• All promises made in covenants still apply to you personally and are in full force.
• You are valuable.
• You have done nothing to be guilty of regarding your husband's behavior. Those are his problems and they do not have anything to do with what you have done.
• You are blessed with the ability to forgive; but that does not mean you should accept sin. Read stories in the scriptures about how the Lord responds to sinners.
• You can be a ray of sunshine to your husband and invite him to good through love.
• As you live worthily, the blessings of the Priesthood will be in your home.
• As you live the gospel and keep the spirit in your home, your husband will be active in the church whenever he is with your family.

I had been in a really bad mood in the morning and when I left the Church I felt so calm and happy. As I reflected on my emotional experiences of the day and the blessing I received, I thought about how often times I feel resentful when I have to be the strong one for our family or have to bear the burden of looking for the positive and choosing happiness. It seems so obvious now, but I had the realization that I could choose happiness for myself and that the effects of that choice would naturally spill over to H and our family and there was no reason to be resentful about that. I want to be happy, and while I don't expect that I will be all the time (in fact, I am extremely comfortable with the idea that we should not act happy all the time because there are times it is not appropriate or healthy and sometimes the only way to happiness is through sorrow), I do know that I want to always be working toward happiness.

I'm so thankful for experiences like the ones I've had today where it is clear to me that God is orchestrating good in my life. I draw so much strength from this!

In the past few weeks

In the past few weeks I have:

• Set boundaries (with people other than my husband). It was peaceful and strengthening.
• Worked to enforce boundaries. It was draining and soul crushing.
• Reaped the fruits of an important boundary I set. It resulted in an experience that was pivotal to my life immediately and will be, I am confident, the rest of my life. A literal dream come true that exhilarated and clarified and confirmed who I am.
• Mothered two very sick children and felt sorry for a very sick husband and self while visiting extended family across country for a week. It was exhausting.
• Created new personal space in my home. It has already increased my productivity and peace (e.g., this blog post).
• Been working on setting more consistent part-time child care arrangements so I can do the things God and I need and want me to do with my life right now in addition to being a committed mother. It has been difficult to work out the logistics, but I feel very at peace with the direction I'm headed.
• Spent very little time reading the blogs on my sidebar, but this time has been well-spent. I want to leave some comments to what you've written when I have the time/emotion to do a proper job.
• Seen huge improvements in H's depression. Hooray!
• Made a major decision with H regarding our plans for the summer that will require quite a bit of sacrifice for our family, namely me. He has responded by upping his contributions around the house already. It has been validating and fulfilling to see this exchange.
• Been reminded that I have the most incredible friends in the world. My friends are so caring and understanding and happy to help me. It has been humbling (in the best possible way) to connect with them, however briefly, lately.

I wish I could write more. I have so much in my I feel ready to share. But I also have a lot around me that needs to be done, and technically this post is meeting my need for sharing right now, so I'm going to leave it as that. Love and best wishes to you all.