Shortly after my most recent D-Day, I felt that the title of this blog and some of the emotions that went into it no longer represented me well. I decided to create a new blog with e a new name. For a variety of reasons, it has taken me longer to do this than I planned, but I am pleased now that my new blog is ready to be shared. I will not delete my "Victory Will Wait" blog, but I don't plan to update it either, so you may want to add my new blog address to your reader.
My new blog, "My Story of Victory," can be found at: http://mystoryofvictory.blogspot.com/ My first post provides more explanation about why I created a new blog. I thank those who have read Victory Will Wait and hope you continue to read what I write on My Story of Victory. I value your comments and support greatly.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Where I'm at
So about my last post. I really do like the responsible for vs. responsive to list I shared. Part of the reason I wanted to post about it was to keep that list where I can easily find it again. But I felt really uncomfortable writing the post and that discomfort has stayed with me as I've reread it since posting it. (Note that this discomfort did not extend to reading the comments left in response to it---did you catch that? lol. Loved what all of you shared!)
I finally figured out why I'm uncomfortable about what I posted. Sharing it in my current context could imply that I'm at a point in my healing where I'm much more engaged with H than I am. I'm doing a pretty decent job not acting responsible for H, but acting responsive to him is pretty much a non-issue for me right now because at this point, we are intentionally functioning as coparents, not a couple. H says he wants to start doing couples therapy (we both are doing individual therapy) and have conversations about our issues, but I feel very strongly for myself and from guidance from the Lord that it is not time yet. In the few instances we have talked about a few issues in our marriage (in which I've been almost completely unemotional and respectful toward him) or in which I've expressed even hints of negative emotion (I've not yet cried in front of or yelled at him; he can't even handle me taking a deep sigh with an upset facial expression) he becomes immediately defensive. He doesn't get angry or mean, but he gets defensive--he starts protecting his image. And when that happens, I'm done. In terms of his sexual addiction, his position and my position in our marriage is so clear to me that I simply will not waste breath talking to him if I feel I have to defend myself to him. When he's ready to stop trying to maintain his image and start connecting with me, then I'll start opening up to and working with him. But not until then.
Is this denial? Is this enabling him? I don't think so. There are still many boundaries and consequences I've set and am enforcing for his behavior. We sleep in different rooms, we do not touch (about once a week I will hold his hand briefly, but only I can initiate touch), he has to go to his therapy and SAA meetings, etc. We both know what the problems in our relationship are. We both have at least some idea of what needs to happen to fix them. But first, we have to fix ourselves. My therapist told me that some people refer to 12-step programs as "selfish" because they require individuals to focus so much on themselves at first. But for someone who's caught in an addiction, it is not reasonable to expect them to do much more than just avoid addictive behavior at first. For us and our marriage, this makes sense.
So we're officially in limbo. I'm trying to avoid thinking about whether or not my marriage will last or end in divorce---that's not helpful at all. I'm just putting my marriage up on a shelf for a while so I can take good care of myself to be a good mom to my children and get in a place where I'm ready to work through my marital issues if/when it's time. I say if because at any point, I realize H could decide to stop pursuing recovery, and that would almost certainly mean divorce. Immediately.
Something that I've been telling myself to help me deal with this uncertainty is:
If H and I do divorce, I will be grateful for the efforts I made to continue to treat him with respect and be a cooperative coparent with him and seek my own healing and recovery and support him in his because then it will be easier for me to fend off feelings of personal guilt for my marriage not working out.
If H and I do stay together, I will be grateful for what I've done to ensure the current and future well-being of me and my girls (such as finishing my current degree so I'm more marketable, having a private bank account with emergency money in it, etc.) because these actions will help me feel safe enough to consider risking any further investment in my marriage.
So that, my friends, is where I'm at.
I finally figured out why I'm uncomfortable about what I posted. Sharing it in my current context could imply that I'm at a point in my healing where I'm much more engaged with H than I am. I'm doing a pretty decent job not acting responsible for H, but acting responsive to him is pretty much a non-issue for me right now because at this point, we are intentionally functioning as coparents, not a couple. H says he wants to start doing couples therapy (we both are doing individual therapy) and have conversations about our issues, but I feel very strongly for myself and from guidance from the Lord that it is not time yet. In the few instances we have talked about a few issues in our marriage (in which I've been almost completely unemotional and respectful toward him) or in which I've expressed even hints of negative emotion (I've not yet cried in front of or yelled at him; he can't even handle me taking a deep sigh with an upset facial expression) he becomes immediately defensive. He doesn't get angry or mean, but he gets defensive--he starts protecting his image. And when that happens, I'm done. In terms of his sexual addiction, his position and my position in our marriage is so clear to me that I simply will not waste breath talking to him if I feel I have to defend myself to him. When he's ready to stop trying to maintain his image and start connecting with me, then I'll start opening up to and working with him. But not until then.
Is this denial? Is this enabling him? I don't think so. There are still many boundaries and consequences I've set and am enforcing for his behavior. We sleep in different rooms, we do not touch (about once a week I will hold his hand briefly, but only I can initiate touch), he has to go to his therapy and SAA meetings, etc. We both know what the problems in our relationship are. We both have at least some idea of what needs to happen to fix them. But first, we have to fix ourselves. My therapist told me that some people refer to 12-step programs as "selfish" because they require individuals to focus so much on themselves at first. But for someone who's caught in an addiction, it is not reasonable to expect them to do much more than just avoid addictive behavior at first. For us and our marriage, this makes sense.
So we're officially in limbo. I'm trying to avoid thinking about whether or not my marriage will last or end in divorce---that's not helpful at all. I'm just putting my marriage up on a shelf for a while so I can take good care of myself to be a good mom to my children and get in a place where I'm ready to work through my marital issues if/when it's time. I say if because at any point, I realize H could decide to stop pursuing recovery, and that would almost certainly mean divorce. Immediately.
Something that I've been telling myself to help me deal with this uncertainty is:
If H and I do divorce, I will be grateful for the efforts I made to continue to treat him with respect and be a cooperative coparent with him and seek my own healing and recovery and support him in his because then it will be easier for me to fend off feelings of personal guilt for my marriage not working out.
If H and I do stay together, I will be grateful for what I've done to ensure the current and future well-being of me and my girls (such as finishing my current degree so I'm more marketable, having a private bank account with emergency money in it, etc.) because these actions will help me feel safe enough to consider risking any further investment in my marriage.
So that, my friends, is where I'm at.
Friday, August 23, 2013
How do you feel about responsibility?
I was given a copy of these phrases in a college class, but with no source. I tried looking it up on Google, and there are a number of slightly different versions, but I couldn't find original sources for those either. So I don't know who originally wrote this, but I think these are helpful things to keep in mind as the spouse of an addict:
When I feel responsible for others I fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings and generally don’t listen.
When I am responsive to others I listen, show empathy, encourage, confront, share, listen and am sensitive.
When being responsible I feel tired, anxious, fearful, and liable.
When being responsive I feel relaxed, free, and self-aware.
When being responsible I care about circumstances, solutions, answers, performance, and being right.
When being responsive I care about feelings, relating one to one, and the other person making it on her own.
When being responsible I expect the other person to live up to my expectations.
When being responsive I expect the other person to be responsible for him or herself. I can trust and let go.
When being responsible I am a manipulator
When being responsive I am a helpful guide.
Based on your experience as a WOPA, do you agree with these statements? If not, please share why, I'd be interested in hearing your experience. Anyone have any go-to phrases or personal examples to share of how to be responsive versus responsible? How do you channel your inner responsiveness at times it feels more natural to act responsible? What fruits of responsiveness have you seen for yourself?
When I feel responsible for others I fix, protect, rescue, control, carry their feelings and generally don’t listen.
When I am responsive to others I listen, show empathy, encourage, confront, share, listen and am sensitive.
When being responsible I feel tired, anxious, fearful, and liable.
When being responsive I feel relaxed, free, and self-aware.
When being responsible I care about circumstances, solutions, answers, performance, and being right.
When being responsive I care about feelings, relating one to one, and the other person making it on her own.
When being responsible I expect the other person to live up to my expectations.
When being responsive I expect the other person to be responsible for him or herself. I can trust and let go.
When being responsible I am a manipulator
When being responsive I am a helpful guide.
Based on your experience as a WOPA, do you agree with these statements? If not, please share why, I'd be interested in hearing your experience. Anyone have any go-to phrases or personal examples to share of how to be responsive versus responsible? How do you channel your inner responsiveness at times it feels more natural to act responsible? What fruits of responsiveness have you seen for yourself?
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