At the beginning of the week I set an appointment with my family doctor next month to consult about weaning myself off of the anti-depressant I've been on for the last 13 months. Lately I have been feeling so much better than I have felt in years. I know I am stronger and more stable. I have some confidence in my ability to handle life.
And then on Friday I had my annual pap and asked to be tested for STDs. I did really well in the doctor's office, as I consulted with my gynecologist (who is the BEST doctor EVER). But I cried on the way home. And later in the evening I experienced the first emotional trigger I have felt in months, and it was one of the worst I've ever had. It was a painful cry. And after I thought it ended, I felt sick to my stomach and then I ended up crying some more. I prayed and felt prompted to call a certain friend, who came to my house pronto at 10 pm and stayed up with me until 2:30 am. I am so thankful to her for her support to me.
But I am still emotionally hung over. There has been a shift in my internal state. For months I've been taking a break from the weight of emotion associated with H's behavior and choices, but as of Friday, the weight is back. I feel the break I took was important for me, but I know it's time for me to get more entrenched in my recovery work again. There is too much under the surface to rest for long. On Wednesday I started reading the Healing through Christ 12 step manual again, and I've read a little bit each day since then. I'm on Step 2, and just as I felt when I was on Step 1, I feel it's exactly what I need right now, which amazes me. Good stuff in that manual.
I'm frustrated though because I feel rather pessimistic about life---a bit depressed really. It's hard to admit because I really liked the thought that I'm not depressed anymore and could handle life without medication, but maybe in a few weeks I will realize that is not the case. I'm feeling the weight of the world on me right now; it's not just the issues in my own marriage that bother me, although those are my primary sources of stress, but also how they stem from and relate to problems in society at large and concern for my children and other loved ones. I'm just not sure what I'm looking forward to right now. For years I have struggled as my life has unfolded in ways that have obliterated the vague vision I had for my life---now there is nothing left. I have no idea what's coming.
I do know that some of this negativity is related to fatigue, meaning I need to shut down my computer ASAP (it's already after 11pm) and get to sleep. But I know it's running a bit deeper too. I also know I need to cast my burden on the Lord.
