If you read other blogs along the lines of this one, you'll know that my idea for posting this poem is not original (see here and here), but I have to repost for my benefit (I love it and want to keep it handy) and for the benefit of any readers who do not read these other blogs (or Rudyard Kipling).
IF
By Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop to build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!
Like MM, I'm all for switching some of the words. What if the last line read:
"And---which is more---you'll be a woman, and you'll have won!"
Of course, that last word works well for me given the name of my blog. It's hard for me to even know what to write about this poem because it captures so much of my feelings that I've experienced or that I'm working toward experiencing in this trial, while still being inspiring, which I love. Any thoughts you want to share on this poem?
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Letter to myself
After sharing a letter she wrote to her past self, Scabs issued an invitation to write a letter to ourselves in the past. I'm so glad I did this. I truly wish I could have had this letter to myself the day I found out about H's pornography use. I'm also very excited to share my letter with you.
Victory Will Wait,
It has been 2 years since H left the church, and in less than one month, it will have been 2 years since you discovered H's pornography use. I wish I could go back in time and give you an enveloping hug. It's hard for me to know what to say, even now, because I know at the time you found out, very few things would have brought you comfort. The nature of this trial is one that will always be a concern for you in your mortal relationship with H. What comfort is there in knowing things will get better when for the rest of your life the possibility of things getting worse remains, and the probability of things getting really, really bad is so high? In the last two years I've learned to avoid this thought; perhaps that's unhealthy but I'm not at the point emotionally where focusing on it leads to healthy thoughts or behaviors, so I set it aside. So even as I write this, I resist empathizing with you fully in relation to this truth. Yet, I put it out here as a representation of the fact that I do know what you are experiencing and care deeply for your pain, even though at this particular moment I'm not choosing to engage in it.
Which leads me to something that may bring you hope: you will get stronger. It sounds cheesy and trite, but you will rise from the ashes and as you and the Lord and your therapists and your friends and your zoloft (advice: don't wait until 2012 to start taking this drug!) work to put you back together, you will discard (or at least make less accessible) certain tendencies that bring you unnecessary pain, and certain features that will aid you in your ability to learn, progress, and experience happiness will be added to you or enhanced so that they become a more prominent part of who you are. Really and truly, 2 years from now you will be a better and happier person than you are now.
I know how lonely you feel right now. And for you, lonely is one of the worst emotions to feel, so take it seriously. I realize it will take you time to feel confident in sharing your experience (specifically until November 2012), but I would encourage you to not wait so long to seek out the experiences of others. You're scared that others in similar situations will increase your tendency toward anger and bitterness and inhibit your ability to move forward in your relationships. And you're scared that you'll go looking for support and not find it. What if you are in a truly unique situation and there aren't others to be found? I'm here to tell you that you can dismiss both of these fears: just look at the sidebar of the blog that you will create for proof. (Here's where writing a letter to yourself in the past gets a little humerous, if you ask me!) You also have some "real-life" friends you will be able to connect with and gain support from. There are some pretty awesome women out there dealing with their husband's pornography use, and other similar issues, and their experiences will help you a lot.
Also (and as soon as I started typing this tears came to my eyes) you need to know that you are one of those awesome women dealing with the pornography use of a spouse. Yes, you are. You are doing an amazing job---truly admirable. Your efforts to approach the issue reflect spiritual and personal maturity and wisdom, and the care with which you respond to your husband, despite the co-dependent behaviors laced throughout, are indicative of the true love and respect you feel for him. Two years from now you will be proud of yourself (maybe a little too proud of yourself, but I'm working on that) for the patience and kindness that you have exhibited toward him. I know, patience! What a surprise. That's a really hard one for you, but you're going to get so much better at it.
For most of the next two years you will be in an almost constant state of doubt and confusion about how to proceed in your relationship with H. Most of the time you will feel as if you are dealing with this situation by yourself and wonder why God won't answer your questions and give you more guidance on what to do. You will feel so lost and will spend a lot of time wondering what you should do and worrying that what you do end up doing has been the wrong thing. I have a few things to say about this:
1) I think God is going to put you in a position to need to ask aggressively for His help to make sure you do not become casual about how you respond or the fact that you want God to be a part of your life. You will have to put some effort into your relationship with God, and that effort will yield many blessings and increased patience and understanding about some things.
2) Maybe there is not one right way to go. You will (not soon enough) learn about the blog momastary.com that you will fall in love with because Glennon Melton is AMAZING, and she has this to say on the issue:
"Sometimes I get so scared about making THE WRONG LIFE DECISION. Like I’m on that game show- what was it? Where you can risk everything you’ve already won for WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO. And if you do risk it all, there might be a CAR behind door number Two. WOOOT! OR there might be nothing but a big sign that says LOSER! YOU HAVE CHOSEN UNWISELY! YOU HAVE LOST IT ALL! And you must hang your head and leave with nothing and spend the rest of your life wishing you had chosen door number ONE! ONE, dangit!!!! LACES OUT!
That’s how I usually feel about big decisions. Like there is a bit RIGHT answer and a big WRONG answer.
But that’s not right. That’s not how the God I know would work. He would be waiting behind both doors. He will be ready to walk beside me on whatever road I choose.
And then if I decide to change roads, He’d change with me."
(Written in this post, which is a follow up to this one, both of which, like everything she writes, is worth reading, especially everything she writes between February 12, 2013 and February 15, 2013.)
No matter what you choose, God will be with you. You will make mistakes, but nothing God can't handle (because there is nothing God can't handle), and among all the good that can come from your life experiences, one of the things he wants you to learn is for you to learn how to handle your life when you make a mistake. He also wants you to learn how to hand your life over to him when you make a mistake. So try to put your fears in their place; although you are capable of much, with your sincere desires for good and God on your side, you are not nearly as capable of ruining your life or the lives of others as you think you are.
3) Believe it or not, in time you will see that God is blessing you much more than you realize right now. You are receiving a lot of revelation. It may not seem like much in proportion to the questions you have, but regarding it in isolation from what you would like to know, it is still a very respectable amount of revelation/comfort/aid to be receiving. Give God more gratitude for this, and work to be better at recognizing his constant hand in your life in mysterious ways---that is, ways that are not immediately apparent or straightforward; look for his hand in subtlety and simplicity and in shadows and complexity and in disguise and unfamiliarity.
I have more I could share with you that I want to share with you, but it would exceed the length of any document passing as a letter. In fact, it would probably necessitate a blog. Smile. So I'll end my formal remarks to you by sharing one last thought: the nature of the trial you are in does not come from good. It comes from sin. But as you will be reminded in two days when you receive evidence of a tender mercy in the mail, know that because of God's grace, Good Can Come of Any Thing. It will take you some time to see the good that will come from this trial, and you still aren't at the point where you would choose this trial over most others or be grateful that it has been a part of your life, but you will see a lot of evidence that God has helped make some good come from it in terms of your progress toward being the kind of person he wants you to be and you want to be.
Much, much love,
Victory Will Wait
letter to myself
please deliver March 9, 2011
after you check H's laptop and before your child wakes up from naptime
Victory Will Wait,
It has been 2 years since H left the church, and in less than one month, it will have been 2 years since you discovered H's pornography use. I wish I could go back in time and give you an enveloping hug. It's hard for me to know what to say, even now, because I know at the time you found out, very few things would have brought you comfort. The nature of this trial is one that will always be a concern for you in your mortal relationship with H. What comfort is there in knowing things will get better when for the rest of your life the possibility of things getting worse remains, and the probability of things getting really, really bad is so high? In the last two years I've learned to avoid this thought; perhaps that's unhealthy but I'm not at the point emotionally where focusing on it leads to healthy thoughts or behaviors, so I set it aside. So even as I write this, I resist empathizing with you fully in relation to this truth. Yet, I put it out here as a representation of the fact that I do know what you are experiencing and care deeply for your pain, even though at this particular moment I'm not choosing to engage in it.
Which leads me to something that may bring you hope: you will get stronger. It sounds cheesy and trite, but you will rise from the ashes and as you and the Lord and your therapists and your friends and your zoloft (advice: don't wait until 2012 to start taking this drug!) work to put you back together, you will discard (or at least make less accessible) certain tendencies that bring you unnecessary pain, and certain features that will aid you in your ability to learn, progress, and experience happiness will be added to you or enhanced so that they become a more prominent part of who you are. Really and truly, 2 years from now you will be a better and happier person than you are now.
I know how lonely you feel right now. And for you, lonely is one of the worst emotions to feel, so take it seriously. I realize it will take you time to feel confident in sharing your experience (specifically until November 2012), but I would encourage you to not wait so long to seek out the experiences of others. You're scared that others in similar situations will increase your tendency toward anger and bitterness and inhibit your ability to move forward in your relationships. And you're scared that you'll go looking for support and not find it. What if you are in a truly unique situation and there aren't others to be found? I'm here to tell you that you can dismiss both of these fears: just look at the sidebar of the blog that you will create for proof. (Here's where writing a letter to yourself in the past gets a little humerous, if you ask me!) You also have some "real-life" friends you will be able to connect with and gain support from. There are some pretty awesome women out there dealing with their husband's pornography use, and other similar issues, and their experiences will help you a lot.
Also (and as soon as I started typing this tears came to my eyes) you need to know that you are one of those awesome women dealing with the pornography use of a spouse. Yes, you are. You are doing an amazing job---truly admirable. Your efforts to approach the issue reflect spiritual and personal maturity and wisdom, and the care with which you respond to your husband, despite the co-dependent behaviors laced throughout, are indicative of the true love and respect you feel for him. Two years from now you will be proud of yourself (maybe a little too proud of yourself, but I'm working on that) for the patience and kindness that you have exhibited toward him. I know, patience! What a surprise. That's a really hard one for you, but you're going to get so much better at it.
For most of the next two years you will be in an almost constant state of doubt and confusion about how to proceed in your relationship with H. Most of the time you will feel as if you are dealing with this situation by yourself and wonder why God won't answer your questions and give you more guidance on what to do. You will feel so lost and will spend a lot of time wondering what you should do and worrying that what you do end up doing has been the wrong thing. I have a few things to say about this:
1) I think God is going to put you in a position to need to ask aggressively for His help to make sure you do not become casual about how you respond or the fact that you want God to be a part of your life. You will have to put some effort into your relationship with God, and that effort will yield many blessings and increased patience and understanding about some things.
2) Maybe there is not one right way to go. You will (not soon enough) learn about the blog momastary.com that you will fall in love with because Glennon Melton is AMAZING, and she has this to say on the issue:
"Sometimes I get so scared about making THE WRONG LIFE DECISION. Like I’m on that game show- what was it? Where you can risk everything you’ve already won for WHAT’S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO. And if you do risk it all, there might be a CAR behind door number Two. WOOOT! OR there might be nothing but a big sign that says LOSER! YOU HAVE CHOSEN UNWISELY! YOU HAVE LOST IT ALL! And you must hang your head and leave with nothing and spend the rest of your life wishing you had chosen door number ONE! ONE, dangit!!!! LACES OUT!
That’s how I usually feel about big decisions. Like there is a bit RIGHT answer and a big WRONG answer.
But that’s not right. That’s not how the God I know would work. He would be waiting behind both doors. He will be ready to walk beside me on whatever road I choose.
And then if I decide to change roads, He’d change with me."
(Written in this post, which is a follow up to this one, both of which, like everything she writes, is worth reading, especially everything she writes between February 12, 2013 and February 15, 2013.)
No matter what you choose, God will be with you. You will make mistakes, but nothing God can't handle (because there is nothing God can't handle), and among all the good that can come from your life experiences, one of the things he wants you to learn is for you to learn how to handle your life when you make a mistake. He also wants you to learn how to hand your life over to him when you make a mistake. So try to put your fears in their place; although you are capable of much, with your sincere desires for good and God on your side, you are not nearly as capable of ruining your life or the lives of others as you think you are.
3) Believe it or not, in time you will see that God is blessing you much more than you realize right now. You are receiving a lot of revelation. It may not seem like much in proportion to the questions you have, but regarding it in isolation from what you would like to know, it is still a very respectable amount of revelation/comfort/aid to be receiving. Give God more gratitude for this, and work to be better at recognizing his constant hand in your life in mysterious ways---that is, ways that are not immediately apparent or straightforward; look for his hand in subtlety and simplicity and in shadows and complexity and in disguise and unfamiliarity.
I have more I could share with you that I want to share with you, but it would exceed the length of any document passing as a letter. In fact, it would probably necessitate a blog. Smile. So I'll end my formal remarks to you by sharing one last thought: the nature of the trial you are in does not come from good. It comes from sin. But as you will be reminded in two days when you receive evidence of a tender mercy in the mail, know that because of God's grace, Good Can Come of Any Thing. It will take you some time to see the good that will come from this trial, and you still aren't at the point where you would choose this trial over most others or be grateful that it has been a part of your life, but you will see a lot of evidence that God has helped make some good come from it in terms of your progress toward being the kind of person he wants you to be and you want to be.
Much, much love,
Victory Will Wait
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
FYI, Commenters
I hate having to do this, but I feel it is an important thing to do in order to set boundaries that make me feel emotionally safe. I will still allow, for now, anonymous comments on my blog, but I want to make you aware that I will delete any comments I deem to be innapropriate in any way. I received a comment on a recent post that I did not appreciate, and if I continue to receive similar comments, I may moderate comments or even disallow them altogether, which I would hate to do because I appreciate all but one comment that has been made on my blog up to this point.
I made a response to the commenter on the relevant post, but I also want to share a few general comments here to let you know what type of comments I would and would not appreciate.
1) Please remember that even a very long blog post will never contain all my thoughts on an issue, and while I appreciate anything you may have to add to my perspective, please do not assume that you know more about my situation than you really do. If you're wondering something, feel free to ask me a question in a non-accusatory way.
2) Don't tell me what to do. Suggestions and advice are fine (especially if I've asked a question), but please word them as such. Writing something as a command, particularly when it involves labeling me with a negative behavior, is not something I will tolerate in the comments section of my blog.
3) Be respectful of my relationship with God. It may differ from yours; you may be completely areligious. Fine. But I take my relationship with God seriously and any reference to my God on this blog should be made with respect, even if it is not made with your personal belief.
4) Avoid short, simplistic explanations of people's motives for complex behavior. Any behavior often relates to many factors. Pornography use is based on a lot of factors. If there was one discrete solution to pornography use that was in the hands of the spouse of the user (as a comment someone made suggested) there would be a lot less blogs like this by wives like me. Please realize that comments in which you tell me I am empowered to do something to fully eradicate my husband's pornography use suggests that I am, to some extent, to blame for it. If you believe this, I recommend a 12-step program for loved ones of addicts. I'm not far in myself, but I've learned enough to know that this is not true.
5) If you do not feel generally positive toward me in any way after reading something I write, I would suggest you not leave a comment. I do not expect you to agree with me on everything, or empathize with what I'm going through, or even understand it all. But if you think I'm making choices that reflect bad qualities on my part, that will likely be reflected in the comment you made, and that type of comment will not be helpful to me. If you care about me and recognize areas in which I can improve, even if you give me suggestions for change, the care you feel will likely be reflected in your writing and be a much more powerful source of influence on me than your derision.
I made a response to the commenter on the relevant post, but I also want to share a few general comments here to let you know what type of comments I would and would not appreciate.
1) Please remember that even a very long blog post will never contain all my thoughts on an issue, and while I appreciate anything you may have to add to my perspective, please do not assume that you know more about my situation than you really do. If you're wondering something, feel free to ask me a question in a non-accusatory way.
2) Don't tell me what to do. Suggestions and advice are fine (especially if I've asked a question), but please word them as such. Writing something as a command, particularly when it involves labeling me with a negative behavior, is not something I will tolerate in the comments section of my blog.
3) Be respectful of my relationship with God. It may differ from yours; you may be completely areligious. Fine. But I take my relationship with God seriously and any reference to my God on this blog should be made with respect, even if it is not made with your personal belief.
4) Avoid short, simplistic explanations of people's motives for complex behavior. Any behavior often relates to many factors. Pornography use is based on a lot of factors. If there was one discrete solution to pornography use that was in the hands of the spouse of the user (as a comment someone made suggested) there would be a lot less blogs like this by wives like me. Please realize that comments in which you tell me I am empowered to do something to fully eradicate my husband's pornography use suggests that I am, to some extent, to blame for it. If you believe this, I recommend a 12-step program for loved ones of addicts. I'm not far in myself, but I've learned enough to know that this is not true.
5) If you do not feel generally positive toward me in any way after reading something I write, I would suggest you not leave a comment. I do not expect you to agree with me on everything, or empathize with what I'm going through, or even understand it all. But if you think I'm making choices that reflect bad qualities on my part, that will likely be reflected in the comment you made, and that type of comment will not be helpful to me. If you care about me and recognize areas in which I can improve, even if you give me suggestions for change, the care you feel will likely be reflected in your writing and be a much more powerful source of influence on me than your derision.
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